Sunday, January 31, 2010

Pillow talk

Last night my pillow became everything to me
Memories embedded within its fibres
Lingering scents taking me to Love, Lust, Love and Tears but mostly Love
It calmed my fears and reminded me of every time you made me smile
Of the times you held me tightly
Reminded me of the obstacles we climbed over
It even reminded me of the countless tears shed and then showed me how I overcame them.
I held it tightly
Shared connections
Self discovery

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Sinking ship?

I don't know what or why because I'm, as yet, unable to clearly see
Something is sitting uneasily with me
Puzzling and confusing me
Can't quite put my finger on it
My stomach says that the truth is being played with, moulded and kept from me
I guess ships crash and cascade all the time
So I'll stop, clear my thoughts, trust my instinct and wait and see
I'm sure it will find me...
Whenever it's ready

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Thursday, January 28, 2010

Heat wave mirage?

So many things going on at once
Issues move around in various, jumbled patterns
It's rare that I feel trapped under anything but today...
I cried
Wishing to have a support system that would pick me up and dust me off all whilst carrying my load and then hold my hand and walk with me down the road
Rooted to the spot I think I can see it
In the distance somewhere, heat waves making it impossible for me to see the whole image clear enough
The good news is that its heading in my direction
Fingers crossed it isn't a mirage
Hopefully this forward motion is continued and I find myself blessed enough to have that hand to hold

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Today = Different

You have said it many times before
Maybe it’s the way that I am now trying to deal with things but today it felt different
I believed it and sensed that familiar softness spread over me
You have said it many times before
So why is it that today I was lost for words myself?
Didn’t really know what to say so instead I changed the subject
Felt shy, caught off guard... Lead by my heart
You have said it many times before
Maybe it’s starting to sink in?
"Could it be I'm suffering because I'll never give in?..."
No disrespect intended so I don’t want you to think anything negative
You already know it’s been a tough thing for me to grasp
I’m starting to learn that certain things are meant to last
Fingers crossed
You have said it many times before
But today, when you said it, I felt it. Real.

One day

One day... My beauty...
You WILL be mine!!!

Backstroke Love

"Oh Papi, I sit and think about all of the things that we go through and I wonder why I stay with you but there's something in your backstroke and it keeps me yearning you..."
Back Stroke - Teedra Moses

Making love, is the most intimate way of allowing your mental and emotional to become physical.
It is a true combination of every element of you.
Heart, Mind, Body, Soul.
It removes all pretence, every wall, any piece of fear, uncertainty or discomfort.
Making love, is the way that he shows me with his hands, his mouth, his mind, that he is mine. He wants to work hard to make sure that I hear each and every little thing that he has to tell me.
For me, reaching that point of orgasm further brings home the fact that this man has made me feel safe enough to completely let my guard down and that we have connected enough for him to be able to manipulate those elements freely.
No fear.
Just trust, love, comfort.

Making love, is something that can never be undone as I will carry a piece of this experience with me for the rest of my life, as will you.

I'm just sayin'...

Ha... See what happens when you listen to a little Teedra so late in the day. xx

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Tuesday, January 26, 2010

A strange melancholy sits in my throat
A slight emptiness
Is it weird that I needed to tell you about my day but didn't because you didn't ask?
Thankful for the break from reality, no matter how temporary
Left conversation quickly because the weight was becoming way too heavy
Wanna ask what you felt after reading my email but wanted you to just tell me

Goodnight xx

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I can't stop thinking about your hands...
Taking me to far away lands, controlling my thoughts and feelings...
Enough to make me touch celings and grab at thin air
Soft, gently... each finger creating gentle brush strokes, leaving permanent markings of "I Woz Ere"
Charged currants with delicious electric shocks that fuse me to you
Your hands...
Can't stop thinking about them

Monday, January 25, 2010


Still having difficulties opening my mouth and saying that I know you love me
But I do know that you care deeply
And I also know that the stress of this has been crazy
So I won't do it anymore
It is of no benefit to either of us
It causes pain and damages trust
No labels necessary
Let us both breathe and just be
Stop thinking and just feel
The reality is that neither of us wants to go anywhere so why are you fighting me while I fight you?
You say you need me, and I believe it to be true
So, I'm gonna stop, switch seats and trust you.

Sunday, January 24, 2010

A good nights sleep...

The feeling of your masculinity
Next to me
In bed with me
The contact of my skin on yours however briefly
Your scent in the air lingering permanently
The times you put your arms around me
Running your fingers through my hair gently
Touching softly
Just the knowing that your there because you want to be
All these things help me rest easily
Hold me
With purpose, confidence and Love
Tell me all the things you can't say
Show me all the things you feel
Hold me
Let me fall asleep and wake up next to you
Your presence providing me with good night sleeps and rest
Hold me
With tight urgency but softly, like you know that I'm made of glass
With pure emotion
Take my breath away and remove my ability with words
Hold me
Hold me
Tell me stories of emotion and adoration
Touch my soul with yours
Never let go.

My want
My need
My wish
My dream
My craving...

Too much to ask... Maybe

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It is me?

Each time he wanted to make an excuse for his "out there" behaviour he accused me of having no life
Made my preference for being at home a negative
Messed with my head, he did
And made me feel as though I was too boring to merit his fidelity
When he wanted to spend time it was easy because I am a home body
Made me question my preference and personality
Didn't know if I maybe deserved his taunts and teasing
My self esteem he was squeezing
What's wrong with me wanting to spend time at home I found myself pleading
I had no problems with him going out
But that wasn't what I was always about
A few of the insults he threw at me...

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Tuesday, January 19, 2010


Doing my best to make eye contact with the team captain
Trying to show with body language that I would be a valuable asset to the team, even take home the title of MVP but I never even made it past the benches
Willing my thought to become telepathic balloons of recognition and understanding
Pick Me...
Looked over time and time again
Left there
Staring at my shoes
In amongst all that mud lay my dreams, hopes, aspirations
My future trodden underfoot as the game went on without me...

Deeper surface

I sit on eggshells and will them to not break down any further
I've grown tired of the stinging sharpness that my body has been subject to
Made up mind says that my time to endure is drawing to a close
Eyes automatically close in silent prayer as I sincerely prepare myself to leave this resting place
Needing to force my fear into submission because my protective brain reminds me that in order to raise up I must first push down
This will automatically cause deeper cuts and more long lasting scars but once I am up and have removed the broken shards the wounds should start to heal and the continual pain will be no more
This of course will be the wishful thinking type of possibility
Because in reality, the cuts may become infected and the scars will serve a painful reminder every single time my fingers brush over them
Stinging as if they had just been made
My hope?
My hope is that I will be lifted off of this broken bed
So that instead of scars I am left only with scratches that will in time disappear completely

Monday, January 18, 2010

Handle With Care

Messages left in Love making
Skin became the stationary as finger tips wrote messages in Braille so that even in my closed eyed ecstasy I understood everything you had to say to me
My heart attached to every single syllable as though it would be the last thing it heard
Whispers of I Love you’s mixed with Don’t leave’s
Skin slick with the intensity of our conversing
Aching to hold on a little longer
Laughter mixed with pain
Zoning in and out of This Moment…
Our moment
Confusion at the connection and what it means
Echo’s reverberate vibrations of passion
Didn’t want to let go for you touched my soul

Saturday, January 16, 2010

You'll be fine

Haven't shed tears in a while
But they are back
Sobs from deep within my soul
Anger and frustration directed at only me
So stupid
Hard headed
Help not really wanted
Heart not really needed
I am redundant
I made a mistake
And I'm sorry

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Expressing changes nothing
Silence changes nothing
Distance changes nothing
Honesty changes nothing
Patience changes nothing
Comfort changes nothing
Anger changes nothing
Hurt changes nothing
Intimacy changes nothing
Forgiveness changes nothing
Consistency changes nothing
Strength changes nothing
Understanding changes nothing
Support changes nothing

Love changes nothing
Love changes?


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Friday, January 15, 2010

Rollercoaster rides

Roller coasters are no longer my thing
All that up-ing and down-ing
Stuck on the same loop, yo-yo-ing
Stomach cramps
Wind rushing so fast it takes away your breath
And forces your eye shut
I don't wanna ride again...
I think I'm gonna get off

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Early Morning Epiphany

In any relationship, the strength of a bond/connection is determined by whether or not you pull together in hard times. Separating and/or pulling away expresses distrust or lack of responsibility but creating a tighter knit allows trust and dependency.

Just saying...

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Thursday, January 14, 2010


I wish I had my journal with me...
Mad, my reflexes are in conflict...
Blog or text...
Reluctant to do either
I need to write, to release, to be free...
The door I tried to open was shut amid assumptions and the frustration has become an acidic ball
Caught behind my larynx...

I want my journal...

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Internal Battle

Numb... right now I feel like I'm detaching from my internal
Can't control it but don't know if I want to
Struggling with this innate element of me, the one that won't let me walk away
I am spent
But somehow keep finding the strength to keep going, keep trying
Selfish to turn away
Selfish to stay?
I'm stuck
Flogging a dead horse?
What if's make me pause, inhale, renew my resolve and then continue to walk
Can't tell if the resistance is a defence mechanism or the reality of things
Tears, unexpected tears
Causing me to ache with my whole being
Then... rejection
Walking empty...

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Confused Peace

Is it possible to feel confusion as well as peace?
I mean, some of it should make sense at least.
Just gotta try and decipher the clues left for me by these invisible hands.
Heart beats in my ear and I listen to it's changing tempo as emotions flare alongside tempers.
But I couldn't let go.
Nah, I should say wouldn't.
Stubborn refusal.
I see you.
Trying to hide when there is no need.
Somethings need not be suffered alone.
Determined to hold on tight.
Stand and fight.
Woulda done the same thing for the entire night for the peace I received come sunrise.
Fear and Love
Apprehension and Honesty
Truth and Non-acceptance
Everything changes while it stays the same...

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Tuesday, January 12, 2010


Get the feeling that whatever you are keeping from me will break me
That it will never get resolved and that it will hang there… always
My stomach is knotting up and doing somersaults all at the same time
Loss of appetite and no desire to sleep
My eyes are fighting with me, wanting to release whilst I force them to hold back
Frustrated that you won't trust me
That you don't believe that I am strong enough…
That you won't let me help you
Questions with no answers are all that remain
So many questions

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Last night sleep hid from me
Forced me into the slippery sloped crater of thought
And held me hostage there
Confused and alone
Left in the dark

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Fact is...

I already know that someone else holds the piece of your heart you wouldn't give to me...
Pretended that it and you were free.
But I was aware of the reality.
I'm not stupid.
Doesn't change what I feel, doesn't blur what I see.
Just understand please that hiding isn't protecting me.
It just means it hurts more when the truth surfaces...

I already know that someone else holds the piece of your heart you wouldn't give to me...

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Monday, January 11, 2010

Self conscious

I read your outpourings but am apprehensive to comment...
That weird guilty conscience.
No need really because I should be able to give props freely.
Maybe I have spent too long avoiding nosey parkers haphazardly trying to connect dots, imaginary or otherwise.
Then I realise... you stay silent too...
Maybe you struggle just as I do...

Struggling to find what was always there...

“Don’t take your joy away, don’t take your joy away. I know that I have done wrong but I’m asking you as I sing this song don’t take your joy away…”
Kirk Franklin and The Family

I’ve hidden from you
My behaviour hasn’t been fitting of you or your child and I knew you would feel hurt and disappointed.
Silly really for me to think I could hide when you see all and you know all.
I find peace in that because it also means that you see my inner struggle and understand my inner turmoil.
Not wanting to be a hypocrite sitting in your home and playing this make believe role when I am already away of how badly I was slacking so I stayed away.
Allowing my mistakes to push me further into my own silence.
I pick up your word and feel almost guilty, like my hands alone mar the memory of your beautiful story.
It’s funny because my story seems to be the same as some of those around me and we are all fighting to achieve the same thing.
A better relationship with you.
Faith decreases because of our own mistakes and we feel as though we are unworthy of expecting…
Re light the path for us… help us to see you more clearly.
Funny how I’m asking you to help me clear the water that I muddied.
Humbled to know that you will do it, because you love me.
Want to be more like you.



You are too hard on yourself
Not taking credit for the positive
Always focusing on the negative
Try not to spend too much time dwelling on the latter
You have a good heart and this is what's the most visible, what most matters
When you are genuine errors slip away, dissipating into nothing
Easy for me to let go of the sting that these slips initially cause
They just aren't important when you decide to be better
No record exists
You did something special, stood up for me when you didn't need to
Made me proud
I felt special
Taking on a role you just aren't used to
These are the things I hold on to
The things that I remember...

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Sunday, January 10, 2010


You laughed...

That's why I've been opting for silence...


You seem so contemplative right now but the content of your thoughts is a mystery to me.
No assumptions or guesses.
I just wonder.
Hoping that I might occupy a small space in your mind from time to time at least.
But I'm just not sure.
I wonder if recent events have made you think again about us and the future.
When we last spoke I could almost hear that softening in you tone, the one I used to hear when I was a bit more sure of your feelings...
But then maybe it was nothing...

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I want to hold you
You should let me

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Thursday, January 7, 2010

Love is Fearless
It is Proud
It is Honest and leaps over hurdles to be next to you
Know your worth and only sell it to those that can afford it
If it doesn't hurt then it never was real...

Thanks for the lesson Molls

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Is it bad that I still think about us living together?
Figured our history would make this easy
Imagine keeping house whilst you went out
Cooking your favourite meals
Waiting for that "hi honey, I'm home" followed by a kiss on the cheek, forehead or lips that would warm my heart every evening
An amalgamation of my stuff and your stuff
Padding around in my slippers and one of your tee's
Crunchy carpets in some rooms
Wooden flooring in others
Mostly neutral tones mixed with the bold splash of colours
And candles, lots of candles
Talking to you as I soaked in the tub
Writing and re-writing our own story of love
Would've taken good care of you
Thoughts of helping you put lotion on that bit on your back
You know the spot I mean, the one you always miss
Then watch you walk from room to room to room as part of your normal morning routine
Ask you about your day while fixing you a plate and massaging it's struggles away
Lots of laughter
Sometimes maybe even arguments
But these are our memories to create, our decisions to make
All whilst in our space
The scent of you lingering on everything so that it would always feel like you are here even though your aren't at home yet...

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Thank you


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Well done...*rolls eyes*

Yeah, Yeah, I know...

I have breasts...
They aren't small...
But then neither am I...


Guess what else...
They feel and taste as good as they look...

Pity you'll never get a chance to experience either... ay


Random but Real...

I'm hardly ever given gifts even though I'm always giving them...

Now, that may sound really shallow but I'm thinking of it more along the lines of this...

Do I not leave a memory that is strong enough for anyone to see something and think of me?

I mean, I don't give to receive (If that was the case I woulda stopped giving aaaaages ago, trust me lol) but I'm quick to give someone something I think they might want, need or like. I love to see people smile when they know someone is thinking of them. Like to remind them that they are special, I'm corny enough to know that making them happy makes me happy...
It's nice to know you are being thought of, isn't it?

Hmm... Maybe I just don't leave that big an imprint...

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I am chained
Held tight
Movement restricted and controlled
Forever bound

Prisoner Of Love

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Find Me

Hopeful that you will find a small piece of me here
Laid specially, just for you
A piece that you will want to keep forever
Because I am now fearful to speak
Invisible chords bind my lips with unforgiving, jagged determination
The voices within are louder now
But mostly fear
Burn my insides raw
Not out of choice but out of necessity
Afraid that if I say too much you'll never be able to love me

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Tears burn tracks on my cheeks
Now I know I won't find sleep
That stupid word cuts deeper than the sharpest of knives
It isn't true
I can't see how any part of me can be connected to that stupid word
Maybe I'm losing my mind because every time I hear it
My composure slips
Frustration beats at my stomach, pain gets stuck thick in my throat and regret stings at my eyes All the things this so called word means
Lost me the most precious of things


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Wednesday, January 6, 2010


Nearly slipped in this flippin white nightmare


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"The desire of the man is for the woman, but the desire of a woman is for the desires of a man"

                                                                          'Anne Louise Germain de Stael'


So, I decided to take a small break from gloomy poetry blogging to have a little fun...

I am on a brand new mission...

I want a new look and have found some amazing websites to hopefully cater to that...

Think Prohibition meets Post War meets today and you might have a small idea of what I am thinking about...


This thinking then got me, well, thinking...


Isn't it crazy that when us women are trying to clean/rid our system of something or someone we go for a new look but when it's men it's always a new object... I think that maybe says something about our mentality of how we view ourselves as opposed to how he views himself?

For women, the immediate thought or feeling is that us, as we stand right now, just isn't good enough or needs to be different and so we seek to change ourselves in a bid to fix ourselves because this will inevitably make things better

And the men? Well, they just go and buy something new, do something fun, opt for a new distraction.

Do you see what I'm getting are here?

Men NEVER think that they are the problem but woman ALWAYS do...


Interesting ... No? Something to think about... maybe


Anyways, with all that said... I still want a new look... and as soon as this bloody snow stops I will slowly start executing it...  LOL

Tuesday, January 5, 2010


V says that I don't operate maliciously
Rika says that its easy to love me
Ayesh says I'm lovely...
So why am I questioning?
Am I a good person?
Does my ease with opinions and seemingly made up mind
Make me hurtful, unkind?
Is my heart blacker than I would like?
The type you want to keep your heart away from and your soul clear of?
Right now I just don't know
Stomachs knots up and I feel sick
I just don't know...
Things once deemed as positive now haunt me
Suffocating my certainty
Is it difficult to taste and then swallow when interacting?
I'm really really struggling
All my apparent positives feel like negatives and I wonder whether you find me ugly outside and in

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Don't know what I expected but your anger caught me off guard
Difficult decisions but in the end it was made easier because I listened to my heart
And even though you no longer hold me as you once did
Some things are just more important
Maybe you are worried I wouldn't keep my distance
That the life you had planned after my exit would be ruined now
Well, I'll try my best to not be around
To not invade your space
Your life
You have made your thoughts and feelings clear
But even though each word has burned
I'll still be here
You once said that sometimes, just knowing I was near made it easier to bare
So, maybe that still holds true
I just want you to know that people can keep their word, that love does actually exist, that trust, honesty, patience and a genuine heart is something to be protected
Still... Your anger wasn't something I expected

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Monday, January 4, 2010


Heard twice in as many days
Different people, different stories, different levels of understanding
Something about my character resulted in you not wanting to stay
Things I once thought were a positive are now spun on their head and I'm struggling to push the feeling of regret back down to the lonely pit that has kept it a much needed prisoner...
Maybe they are right...
After all I am the common denominator

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A thought

Night after night I come out and support
Sitting, standing, cheering, clapping
Hugs, kisses and words of appreciation shower my being as you thank me for coming
My bank balance depletes but you are pleased to see me
So it's all good… isn't it?
This is about one hand feeding the other?
About us all coming together
Creating a movement?
A force to be reckoned with
Why is it when the tables are turned and I take the stage you are absent?
I mean, how can you know whether I am a talented Poet or an accomplished singer when you are never present?
I look out into the crowd and your face doesn't make up the sea of people there to support me
Maybe I was wrong?
Sometimes I'll ask you where you were just to feel your response
I guess I derive some kind of sordid pleasure from watching you understand that you became selfish
And also, if I'm thinking it, I'd rather say it so that I'm not harbouring it
So focused on your own success that you forgot that it is people like me that fill the seats and purchase your books or CD's, your customised badges and Tee's

I do it for the love, because I believe in what we are trying to do here… Would just be nice to see you when I'm up there…

Thank You

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Saturday, January 2, 2010

He says

You think I don't feel lousy enough?
Think I don't feel frustration and despair at the fact that I can't be the man you see in me, the man you need me to be?
Do you really think I want you to leave?
All my life I have been disappointed and left behind
Affection and Love weren't so easy to find
Of course something is different this time
Deep down inside
But you aren't seeing it because frustratingly I have difficulties showing
You aren't feeling it because I have issues opening up and giving it
Something is keeping me away from you
My past experiences force me to find fault in most of what you do
I can't let go of the arguments as they lay on my chest
Causing extra weight and prolonged stress
I keep getting it wrong when I think I'm doing what's best...

I Love you

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Friday, January 1, 2010


I Love You and I know that you will always have the piece of my heart that you've been holding onto for all this time.
I can't be sure what you will do with it but I'm no longer scared or worried.
I gave it because I wanted to.
You took it because you wanted to.
I understand that sometimes we change our minds about what we want to keep.
I Love You

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I waited for you to come
Years merged into each other and still
Drink filled frivolities took precedence
Messages to the less important were present
But for me? Still silence
Now I understand
Because I was already surrounded by all of those that truly loved me
Even though they take a lot from me
They were there and not elsewhere
I will remember that always
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