Monday, March 29, 2010


You are it.
My expression is now dictated by the softness of hands running gently over naked skin.
You sit within my thoughts, emotions and beliefs.
The way you slipped your fingers in between mine has me entwined in a peaceful silent memory of a river view at night.
The finest linen where we wrote our story over and over again.
Caressing affectionately my apparently fragile psyche.
Reams and reams of me, laid bare for the world to share.
I have learned that it will never be the same without the indentation of your soul spread out against the pages of my life.
The scent of combined ability means that this was for us
Me and You only.
4hrs doubled and I understood that I can no longer attempt to start a new chapter but rather have to put down the book.
You held me up at one of my lowest points but your reasons aren't the ones I wished for.
You are my muse.
No use picking up a pen without you.

S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

Friday, March 26, 2010

300 miles.

I needed you, was fearful to ask.
But I did.
Deep down I know I can count on you but sometimes that gets lost in my confusion at certain actions.
Certain reasons.
Certain decisions.
Forever indebted.
I think that maybe you'll never understand just how much this means.
You said Yes and I cried.

S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Unicorns don't exist and fairy tales are bullshit.
Rose tinted specs are useless.
I see in black and white now.
Cynicism personified.
Who the hell am I?
Thaw in reverse.
My once warm centre becoming powdery, chalky, brittle, hard.
A separation of sleeve and heart beat.
Worn down ultimately.
Who the hell am I?

S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

Monday, March 22, 2010

Your life and mine.
So merged are we that its hard to define where one line begins and where the others cease.
Everyday something occurs that reunites.
Unbreakable ties.
We did it.
We created a link of shared tangible and immaterial that makes it impossible to stop the criss cross of 2 colours fighting to become one.
We are what happens when you mix grey with purple against a green back drop.
I still think its beautiful.
A blurred existence.
I wonder if this is a futile resistance? Is the separation a farce?
Are we pretending that we will be able to continue a life without this molten, marshmallow love?
Will your soul continue to shine?
Will mine?
What have we done?
Frustration and relief.
We created something that was way too deep and this is now what keeps us

S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...


I feel sick.
Its hard for me to look at you without seeing that movie playing.
A past that became my present.
Knowing I shouldn't react but the fact is that I feel it deep down on my stomach.
I feel sick.
Too late to replace rose tinted glasses.
My only option-
Fight through it and let it go.
S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Ranting with love...

Fuck it!
I wanna Love you.
Wanna be free to do for you whatever I feel.
Wanna stop you from running because the shadow of your past still has a noose around your neck and you are scared it will hold onto your breath if you travel too far from your usual.
Blessed are the cracked for they let in the light... <-----that is me!
Some kinda super woman shit that will remove that shadow permanently.
Wanna hug you just because I feel it.
Kiss you because you need it.
Wanna fall to me knees and makes yours weak
I wanna remove the chains that our history caused to materialise.
Wanna stop backing off because I feel your boundaries.
Wanna ignore your fake protests and erase the tears that we have both shed.
Just wanna be free to be me…
You know… the same woman that you once said you Loved (before I said it might I add)
The same woman that you asked for favours and introduced to your mother.
You know she likes me…
I wanna show you that my love is the kind of love that will carry you through anything and will never judge you growth or progression.
Wanna shake off my own heavy fear because that bitch called rejection is no longer present here…But more than anything..

I wanna slap you…
One of them old school slaps that you received from your mother that made you see stars before clearing a way for good sense to sit down and rest…
I wanna
I wanna

S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

You kissed me.

You kissed me.
Came unexpectedly so I was surprised.
You leaned forward and just when I thought you would stop...
You kept on going.
Your lips touched mine.
Determined but gentle.
Soft but hard.
Everything faded to a grey/purple/green and I saw nothing apart from you and me floating somewhere between the clouds and the blue.
You kissed me.
Gently biting my lower lip.
Out of character for you.
*smile... Again*
Like you were trying to tell me how much you desired me and how strong you would be for me.
Not sure what brought about this sudden need to connect with me like that but you will hear no complaints from me.
My confusion I will ponder silently.
You kissed me.

I wonder when you'll do it again.

S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

Tuesday, March 16, 2010


I write for you.
My pen has become the portal of my soul and so I write for you.
Hoping that maybe you will feel something.
My heart becomes grey when you say nothing.
I write for you and therefore feel ignored when you ignore.
The deafening silence poisons my will and ability.
I write for you as this is the only thing I am sure that I can really do.
Maybe you don't understand that I am sitting within each syllable... waiting, swinging my legs as a child does, socks slouching, knee grazed and bleeding.
Every letter represents a drop of me and so when you say nothing I suffer a rejection of the hugest magnitude.
Blood sweat and tears cover each metaphor that you fail to embrace and words no longer satiate my need for you to care enough.
It has been almost a week since I wrote for you...
I asked "Do you?"... You turned away.

Middle ground

We stand on either side of the same ideal.
Me with my heart on my sleeve and her with his in her hand bag.
We both understand the importance of love but appear to view it differently.
Middle ground.
Perhaps if we could merge the two and split it evenly we would both be happy, untarnished and ready for the world.
Dissatisfaction infects both of our souls.
Mine because I am not loved enough and hers because she is loved too much.
So we spend time in conversation searching for ways to heal ourselves.

S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...


The sun shone.
Last nights cold darkness seemed to have dissipated into the beautiful light of this morning's warmth elevating my spirit and making me smile.
My troubles, worries and heartache soon became an almost forgotten reminiscence.
I smiled, I laughed, I felt uplifted.
I was untouched by my lack of sleep and it was unable to determine what I did today.
The sun shone.
Gullible in my belief that the clouds had gone because soon enough grey clouds showed me I had been wrong.
I stared out of my window and felt empty.
Struggling to fathom why the suns favour no longer shone on me.
Overwhelmed with the truth of it.
I wasn't special.
It hadn't heard my plea's of "Please" but had instead maintained its own agenda.
Disappointment clung to my lungs making breathing a bothersome task.
I wondered how long it might last.
Shock and hurt stabbed at my stomach, forcing me back into the routines of old.
Let down.
The sun shone… briefly
Then it was gone.

S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

Monday, March 15, 2010

Open and shut case

I feel like maybe I shouldn't open up to you.
Judgment is thrown at me whenever I do so and you never seem able to let it go.
You built this impossible image of who I am and now I am unable to just be a woman, be human, be me because you never forget.
Sometimes flipping my pain and making it yours.
I feel self disgust after I have opened out myself on your table because as I am sewn back up, some of your disappointment always seems to slip into the sealing wound causing a gangrenous chunk, needing amputation.
Instead of you wanting to protect me from the fear, I fear that you taste bad food on a hot day and are left unfulfilled, dissatisfied and seeking something else from elsewhere...
I feel like maybe I shouldn't open up to you because every time I do
I lose a little more of my self respect... Just as you seem to

S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

Thursday, March 11, 2010

A mixed bag of emotions and I'm wondering whether you regret it...

S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

Morning Sex

From your breathing, I could've sworn you were still sleeping, but as you started to rise I found myself with that familiar feeling of excitement and a "let's get it" readiness.
I'm thinking you probably just woke up and are just as much caught off guard as I by your growing erection and so to ease the sleepy tension I decide I'll let you relax and enjoy some effortless sexual sensations.
Not long until you've taken control and I'm caught up in the groggy electricity of our physical mental connectivity.
Hell yeah!

And once again... I'm lost in you.

Tbc...maybe... Lol

S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

Do you?

Tangible tension melts away as soon as you hold me in your arms.
Longer than usual.
Erasing a weeks worth of struggle, pain and confusion.
I don't know how you do it.
I don't know why you do it.
I don't know what it means.
Whispers of "I miss you"
I miss you more.
Childish maybe but I need you to understand how alone I feel without your presence in my air.
How on edge I am without the scent of you lingering in each and every strand of my hair.
How lost I've become.
You traced emotion on my forearm with your finger tips and imprinted protection on my waist as you wrapped your arms around me.
I watch you as you sleep.
Listen to your heartbeat.
Rest my head on the rise, fall, rise of your chest.
I wondered what tomorrow would mean, what it would bring, how you would feel.
I'm scared.
Do you Love me?
Not in the way you love your friends or your mum or your siblings...
Do you really Love me?
Do you?

S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

Tuesday, March 9, 2010


Suffocated by regret and embarrassment and shame as my thoughts are consumed by all of the things you did because I made you feel like you had to...

I am so sorry.

S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

Knowing without

"Hope you meet the man of your dreams tonight" she said as she exited the train...
The sweet scent of memories drift all around me and I breathe in deeply hoping to catch them in my deflated lungs.
Filling them.
Ensuring that I have enough red blood cells to carry me through to the next one.
No expected ideal to cloud my judgment just the contented understanding that his imperfections are what made him perfect.
The sincerity, kind heart and soft touch.
The loyalty and passion.
The strength.
The sweet nature.
All these things are enough.
Even the hard headed stubbornness didn't bother me that much, well, it did a little but not enough to change my heart.
The spelling mistakes and difficulty with expression outside of text made me warm.
Made me love more.
Made me want to protect.
One smile and I melt.
I watch silently now.
Biding my time and waiting on circumstance.
"Hope you meet the man of your dreams tonight" she said as she exited the train...
Little did she know.
I already had.

S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

Fresh Air

The more I learn, the more I do wonder whether a higher power connected us.
Great bonds are created unexpectedly.
More similarities than initially seen.
I will hold your secrets safely.
Judgement unnecessary.
Write with me.
Stop worrying whether you have the capacity to offend me...
My intuition tells me that you are not that kind of person, your bones contain too much sincerity.
Internal and external beauty.
I hope we are friends for the remainder of our short but eventful existence.


Memories will always be fond.
You made an impact, a huge one.
Smiles, Laughter and Love... Lots of all of these.
I am a better person because of you.
Pushed beyond my self.
A life changing journey.
Nothing negative remains...

I just want you to be happy...

S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

Sunday, March 7, 2010


No elaborate metaphors or double sided compositions.
No special way to make my pain visual, aural, readable or edible.
No aim.
In pain, worn out and broken.
Nothing fancy.

S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

Friday, March 5, 2010

Yeah... just... yeah

This is the song that I had in my thoughts as I left my dreams this morning...

Eric Roberson

This man has been there to help me through my writers block on more occasions than I can count...
His song writing abilities are out of this world, his stage presence makes me wanna be like him when I grow up and his creativity is the stuff of dreams.

Pat attention to this man, you will be not be disappointed.... I promise.

Website -
Blog -
Myspace -
Twitter -
You tube -

Sand castles

… and once again I sit in the centre of a tumbled down sandcastle.
Waves and wind caused it to forget how much time was spent building it and it gave up.
Decided that it would rather lay back down once again instead of standing tall against the grain.
Not remembering the sacrifices that had been made, the blisters that had formed so that each grain could be placed… just… so…
My tears are now invisible as they mingle with the cold, salty mess.
Never to be fully understood or appreciated.
Through them I keep trying to rebuild.
Alone and through blurred vision.
Even though my sandcastle has already given up.

S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...
Guess it was nice while it lasted.
Guess is was fun.
Guess it was a life changing experience.
Guess it was Love.

S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

Thursday, March 4, 2010


That was the feeling that overwhelmed as you stepped out of your comfort zone to take on new experiences.
For I knew you have been through a lot in the last 20 or so hrs and could see the tired, tension in your eyes.
Because you are doing it. Boundaries become elastic bands as you stretch and bend them to your will. You achieve all that you set out to do. A lesson I learn constantly with every day that I share with you.
You do not dream dreams, you live them.

S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

Wednesday, March 3, 2010


Every piece of my intuition says I should go to you.
I'm fighting it though.
Unsettled with this struggle.
I know I'm going to regret it.
On edge.
Should have just done what my gut instinct said.

S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Savlon lost.

You assumed the worst.
I was simply acknowledging that things were back to being a certain way but you assumed the worst.
Flinched as though I had just walked into a mirror maze of thorns and dandelion leaves struggling to find a way to escape.
I was trying to reach out.
Trying to apply ointment to scars.
Had a surprise, some news that I wanted to share with you privately.
But you assumed the worst and rejected easily, quickly.
Made me understand what you thought of me.
Forgive me.
Didn't realise I had made myself that ugly.
Uncertain of my footing.
You assumed the worst and now I feel as though I am that.

S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...
I will not overstep that boundary again.
Time worn heart strings play in off key supposed melodies.
Rejection sings to me repeatedly.
Pulling down my soul with her unrelenting cello plucked tones.
Disappointed because the composition is never the one that I chose.
I will not cross that line anymore.
I hear.
Pull away.
Let go.

S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

Monday, March 1, 2010

So long?

I trace images over your hair with my finger tips.
Hoping to make them clear enough for you to read.
Silently willing you to understand me.
Wanting you to feel what you cannot see.
In our silence I always seem to find peace.
I made choices that I didn't need to... Maybe.
Chained in useless boundaries.
What will be, will be?
Probably, hopefully.

S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...


Had a mini panic where I felt like I wanted to go as quickly as was possible humanly
I tried to pull away but you wouldn't let me
Caught off guard by your strength
Surprised and impressed
You held onto me as tears flowed easily
But soft enough so's not to break me
I left my pain on your shoulders but instead of brushing it off like unwanted lint you squeezed tighter
Wiping my inner turmoil with the fingertips of your right hand
Tucked my head into the safe space that is the crook of your neck
I could hear your heart beat reassuring me that you wanted to help me heal

S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...