Sunday, February 28, 2010


Phone conversation covered in silence.
3 text messages and 1 piece of poetry later.
Still silence.
Deafening silence.
Unresponsive silence.
Choking silence.
So much silence.

S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

Saturday, February 27, 2010


Show up unexpected because our earlier issue has only pulled you closer rather than pushed you into silence.
Kiss me on the forehead.
Encourage me to lay my head on your chest.
Hold me.
Stroke my.
Talk to me.
Encourage me.
Love me.
I can sleep.

S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...
Sometimes, it takes a kick in the mouth before you really understand...

S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

Thursday, February 25, 2010


I write but receive no reply
Bleeding my pen dry hoping that my essence will warm your heart
Shakily spreading my soul across tear stained papyrus
Painstakingly scribing tales for the emotionless
Hoping that somewhere in that crowd of cold, numb faces you will hear my fable
That you’ll one day be able to look upon me as the support system you so desperately seek to be for me


You write about a love that isn't mine
Allow your beautiful ability to tell of emotions that aren't mine
My tears contain tiny droplets of disappointment and frustration because she makes you write
She makes you talk of missing love that I am no part of
In the corner of your eyes you see past me and look for her
Lucky for me the rain ensures that this image is bleary and I never see this diversion of love fully
Because I want you to only write of me
But my pen only wants to bleed for you

Wednesday, February 24, 2010


You really have absolutely no idea do you...
Just look... See...
I'm stuck

S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

Monday, February 22, 2010


In a strange space
Trying to figure it all out in my head
In my heart
My own silence is forcing me into a candy floss coated cocoon
Sweetly laced frustration
Sugar infused incarceration
Light flickers as a result of a loosed connection
Words jumble in over excitement and I feel like my 7 or 12 year cycle is due for a rotation
Lack of sleep?
I suppose time will tell

S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...


Call/Don't call

Talk/Don't talk

Fix/Don't fix






Look me in the eye

Don't shy away or crumble under your own fear and discomfort but instead look me dead in the eye and read my soul

This is all I can offer you

Burnt sepia orbs relay images of my heart, mind… Spirit

I cannot convince you to see the purity of Love but will definitely show you the colour of honest emotion

It is transparent

Nothing can hide there

What you see is what you see is what you get is what you see

But you have to look sincerely and seek genuinely

I will no longer run after you because I shouldn't have to chase you

If you choose to disappear and hide then that is something that I will accept

If you stay then it should be your choice and I will respect

You have witnessed the emotion that sits painfully within the intonations of my voice

The question is always whether or not you will stand up and repair damage that is easily repaired

No record is kept of past suffering… at least not on my part and therefore no resentment is present

After this last time, I feel different

Don't get me wrong, nothing has changed on my part

No emotion has lessened, no thought changed

I am

Peaceful in the knowledge that I do Love and that I do forgive

In the knowledge that no task is ever to big and no fight ever too tough

I will do whatever you need me to and will not allow that to be lessened by my contemplations over whether or not you posses the same inhibitions

You have to want it as much as I


Even though it pains me to say it

If you refuse to look me dead in the eye and explore this

It is your decision


Friday, February 19, 2010

My last Rolo

Because you always know what to do or say to make me smile
Because I feel like I can do anything when I feel your hand in mine
Because your presence erases all notions of time
Because your laugh takes me on a journey of relaxation and purple/green/grey skies
Because your scent represents escapism from cloudy nights
Because your vulnerability makes me want to be a better woman
Because the glint in your eyes show a reflection of my future
Because my family saw it
Because you told me that I don't always have to be strong and I believe it

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Time Capsule

Angels, Rose Petals, Silver Hearts and Multi-coloured Glass
The remnants of a life I once knew
All carried around in an oversized carrier, a darker shade of grey
Friday to sunday Vampires play
I wear patent black, peep toe heels, a Katsu covered chopstick in my hair
And I

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Fly me to the moon
You say you understand
But don't
That you hear, that you know
That you get it…
If you did, we wouldn't have repeated a painful history
Back to square
Trust no longer as strong
Comfort and rose tint almost gone
Confused and wounded
Worst thing is...
You aren't doing anything about it
Maybe you just don't think there's anything to fix

S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Torn Roses

My personal space smells of
Spring time sunshine
Sweet thoughts and happiness
Vanilla, Plum and Torn Roses

S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...


In shock
I tremble
Caught off guard
You didn't have to
Never really expect a 'Thank you'
That isn't why I do what I do
Belief in you
Still... I can't help but smile
Nobody really does this for me
A big fat softy
Heart is yours
Made me feel special
You didn't have to
Thank you
Thank you
Thank you

I Love you

S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...


I am unable to look at you
For this conjures feelings of discomfort, longing and regret
Thoughts made up in my own mind, my own head
I black out in memories of touch, taste, smell
Imaginings of what was not
I dreamt
Allowed my own disillusion to cloud my judgement
I dreamt
Misunderstanding our connection
I dreamt
I just thought…I just wanted to... But what about…
My attachment to you made you turn to me, look me dead in the eye and pretend you were fine, happy even…again
The worst feeling in the world
My fault
My regret
Head lowered I make my way slowly and quietly back to my corner
Ashamed that I did it again

S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Paper Heart

He was different
Allowed her to stop protecting herself and once again be the person she was before the pain began
Before all those scars marked her near perfect derma
His touch must have contained something magical because suddenly these scars began to heal
Her wounded, burnt, scratched and sore skin became little more than blemished
Some still remained but others completely vanished
A balm unlike any other
His smile erased memories of mental and physical abuse, rape, abortion, attempted suicide…
He became her lover
Then he went deeper became closer
Someone she trusted
Best friend?
Only she could never tell him
Fearful that the weight of what he had given to her would make him feel unworthy
He sent his Love via email and she questioned it
Unsure of whether he really saw his future at her side
She dreamed of loving him with her whole being
Of giving the world to him along with everything in between
He really was her knight in shining armour
Moonlight shone on him even in the day time
For she knew that she would always have everything she needed...
As long as he stood next to her

Sahy-luh ns Si-lence
1. The condition or quality of being or keeping still and silent.
2. The absence of sound; stillness.
3. A period of time without speech or noise.
4. Refusal or failure to speak out.

//-->v. tr. si·lenced, si·lenc·ing, si·lenc·es

1. To make silent or bring to silence: silenced the crowd with a gesture.
2. To curtail the expression of; suppress: silencing all criticism; silenced their opponents

I think I have reached that point
Exhausted by all of these obstacles
Fatigue plagues me and Monday morning only brings tired eyes and wishes for the end of the week
Solitude it now all I seek
Making plans to be alone
In a place where nothing is expected and nobody wants anything
Shut down
I will remain silent until tomorrow
Or maybe the next day
Whichever day equals the end of all of this
No more trying
No more fighting
I refuse to revisit the pain of the past and I will not allow this weight to force me to my knees
All around voices make demands on me
Sometimes becoming cryptic and not fully explaining but still expecting me to be everything that I always was
I have figured out what these messages mean but refuse to take action because I don’t want to have to figure it out when the source of the confusion could easily speak plainly
Or leave me be

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Monday, February 15, 2010


It's a secret
Stops at the threshold of our personal space
Beauty in a box
Love contained
Prism like rainbows For Our Eyes Only
No disrespect
It's just a secret

Cocoa, strawberries and pink bubbles

I walk into the darkness
Feeling a strange divide
Can't quite put my finger on it but the silence of the journey has placed a question mark in the middle of my heart
A stark contrast to yesterdays open, honesty...
Wait.. I felt it yesterday too so it must've been the time before that
Almost like you were concentrating really really hard on some spec of sunshine
So that you didn't disappear completely
Veins pump with quick uncertainty
Don't need for you to humour me
Spent too long burying the feelings from the last time
Stung by the repetition of pretending all is fine
Looking me dead in the eye and forcing a smile
Unsure as to why
Thought we had passed that place
Don't need for you to humour me
Backward steps
False pretence
Fake reassurance
For I am humourless
Strawberry's covered in cocoa and pink fizz
My attempts to make something homely and familiar in this strange place now feel... Futile
Some infantile attempt at creating a single smile
All it did was cast a strange shadow over features
Eyes become distant
Maybe I'm still simply not enough

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Sunday, February 14, 2010

Sorceries secret

Tears prick at the corners of my already stinging eyes
Sadness rests in my stomach and I feel at a complete loss as to what I can do to change this
You call
And your first sentence alone makes me feel better
I think you must be magic

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Saturday, February 13, 2010


Cups run empty
Sands keep falling
But you don't notice
No innate reflex to look outside of your box
Never offering a refill or turning the hour glass
Just watching
Concerned as to how much you can receive and for how much longer you'll receive it
A broken heart is all that will be left
Blood shackles me
And I have no control

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Friday, February 12, 2010


Annoyed that I even asked...
Innocence lost it's simplicity as your awkward discomfort transferred to me.
I now carry it's weight across my heart and in my stomach.
There wasn't even anything in it.
Just needed some advice on the simplest of things.
A recipe for happiness and contentment.
Now the request hangs heavily, wet, slimey and cold.
I feel yukky.
A mistake I won't repeat.
My apologies.
Annoyed that I even asked...

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Hellllp me...

I think I may be addicted to Cherry Coke...

I do and say crazy things to justify having it at least once a day...

I had it for breakfast and am pretty sure that I will have it at lunch too...


Tuesday, February 9, 2010

V-day BS

Far from bitter
February 14th just holds no weight with me
Over priced meals and pressure
So much pressure
Almost like not being with a certain person on that precise date
Seals your fate
And your destined to spend the next 365 days in debate
The price of roses double
Chocolate sales increase
Madness, pure madness
Singles spend the night in awkward sadness
Wallowing in self pity
Whilst in your imagination the rest of the city
What a big fat pile of hogswash
If you don't love me on 13th why would one day make a difference?
And if you do, then I'm sure you'll spend the whole year making me feel special
Random roses and spontaneous sweet treats
Give me you
Every single day that you still want me

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Sing a song for me

"Cause were alone now... and I'm singing this song for you..."

You speak to me in thunderous silence and I have opened my whole soul so that I can hear you
The problem with silence is that sometimes interference creates waves in the signal
Distorting the message
Please... bare with me as decipher these heat waves
Sometimes I stand at a slight distance as I don't wish to be burnt as I once was
Trust me when I say that I am now standing closer than I ever was
I have seen what is generated as a product of our joint chemistry is created
Sparks fly and colours mutate
The result is something other worldly and that can sometimes be scary
I thought that you would understand this
We are definitely reading the same book but sometimes we over take each other and lose our place
Maybe we should take it in turns, regulate the pace?
Maybe even write in the margins transforming the space?
Leaving notes for the other to find
Breadcrumbs in a dense forest
Clear and present in the disjointed visuals of my dreams I see you
Protector and Lover
Friend and Supporter
You Love me...
Finally, I can breathe


She sits on the edge of her bed waiting for the bath to finish filling
Sighs deeply, falls back haphazardly and stares blankly up at the ceiling
Through with feeling

"Done with it
A bad decision
A hopeless situation made even more so
Frustration has put blinkers on my confusion
Only now I feel more certain
This is something I have to do"

Thoughts course through her veins as hotly as her blood
Slowly she gets up
Smiles to herself as she takes one last drink from her cup
She hums
No tears

"I should call
Give it one last chance
Maybe I'm taking the wrong stance
My decisions too harsh
What if he does feel love?
No, no, he has already shown me
Didn't stop and think when he saw tears well up in my eyes
Laughed when I cried
He's right
I am weak and useless
Can't get anything right, well, I won't wear that badge after tonight"

As she climbs into her bath she wonders how long the pain might last.
Slowly easing herself to sitting position.
More settled within her decision
She picks up her razor
Focus' on her plan
And as carefully as she can
Slowly makes a deep groove just above the underside of each of her hands

"Apparently the hot water makes it easy and quick
Warms everything up so that the blood isn't so thick.
Hopefully it does the trick..."

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Monday, February 8, 2010



More to come once I have been able to put my word and thoughts and feelings into something sensible...

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Friday, February 5, 2010

GREEDS – 2nd Sampler (Something Borrowed) with Nutty P

I haven't actually told him my thoughts on his latest offering but I am blown away.
The inspiration that lives within this guy has me in awe most times.
Things I wouldn't even think about doing myself creatively are second nature for him.
Since I was fortunate enough to be present when he started his journey on the circuit/scene I have seem him grow immensely and he is now the one to watch and in some cases, the one to beat.

The sampler follows the mixtape rules perfectly, taking well known beats and making them… well… better.
A definite lesson to all those that doubted the strength and versatility of Spoken word/Poetry.
With only 6 actual tracks, most of which are under 2mins, GREEDS amazingly manages to still provide a lil bit of something for everyone.
My favourite thing about the sampler?
Resisting the urge to “ride de riddims” and rap, this Poet remains true to the artform in which he is steadily becoming a master. I am so impressed and excited by what is to come for 2010 for him.

GREEDS… I wanna be just like you when I grow up!
Just to add to the excitement, GREEDS will be performing at Jazz cafe on 7th Feb 2010, with a live band, The Remedies for UK Soul Jam. Check out his Facebook for more info.

Down load it for freeeee -
Check out his blog -

Magic Circle

I sit in the middle of a circle of amazingly talented people.
Blessings flow abundantly as I am privy to a secret society of the creative elite.
Encouragement pours from them and they allow me to soak it up so that I can become better.
A movement.
The journey.
The new and the old blend seamlessly as we press forward.
A force to be reckoned with.
One day, I will be a great as all of you.
One day.


Sit in the presence of your past
Walk into the dark
Spend time facing the regret, the confusion, the not knowing and the love
Reminisce on the good times and the memories
Free you soul of the negativities and pain
Once you have done that you will appreciate the light you have been living in so much more
You will be able to lock that door and throw away the key
What will be is anyone's guess but this move is necessary
How else will you close the chapter without completing the book?

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