Saturday, October 30, 2010


Mind runs at the speed of light and I close my eyes in a bid to focus it.
System flooded.
On edge and unable to find the place of rest.
Words caught in already tightened throat.
Maybe tomorrow.

S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

Thursday, October 28, 2010

White room realities

Temporarily left to our own devices the brown white atmosphere allowed a certain level of comfort.
Conversation flowed easily and we moved from topic to topic.
Up until this point no more than a few respectfully placed phrases has met in the air but a mutual respect and common interests allowed us to feel at ease.
Nothing romantic. Not at all.
Just conversation.
Platonic interaction.
He shared secrets of word play and triumphs of lost love reborn and I listened.
Open heartedly.
"I do wonder what it would be like to be with a girl from the same tribe as me, a Muslim Hausa... It would be nice. Shared language, shared tradition and shared belief systems..."
I wonder if he noticed the flick in my eye lids as I adjusted my thoughts and pushed away what had invaded my subconscious.
He had shined a light on my life without even realising it.
Reminded me of hopeless wishes and grey sunshine.
Reality washed over me and I was silenced.

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"Why is it we never act on our own hunger?"
Taken from 'Mavis writes in her journal' by Cheryl Clarke.
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Friday, October 22, 2010


This is a frickin big deal.
I feel proud.
I can't wait!
Another step in your journey that I am blessed to be a part of.
Thank you.

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Thursday, October 21, 2010


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Shoes vs Bed

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Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Night night...

Stars fall into place and I wear the night as a comforting blanket.
Two unreturned missed calls later and I fall asleep to silence.
Existing only when, where and how I am given permission.

S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

Hide away

Today I am having one of those.
A day where I bury things deep down inside forcing them into their usual hiding place.
Stuffing them away from prying eyes because I do not feel safe enough to show my weaknesses.
Besides... maybe you do not deserve to see me.
Today I will breathe deep, clear my throat and rush towards tomorrow in the hopes that the closet will not burst open, holding onto my insecurites, my fears, my doubts and my uncertainties.

Saturday, October 16, 2010


Is a Chuck day.
Gosh... I've missed them.
Maybe its time to put my collection back in the rotation...

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Thursday, October 14, 2010

My reflex.

Thank you.

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It isn't the lie that matters but the reason behind it.

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... I tried my luck and it paid off.
I feel happy now.
*note to self*
Do this more often.

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Oh my gosh.
McDonald's really did their job here because its not even 8.30am and I'm already wanting a Big Mac.

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Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Dream seeking.

While it isn't done "religiously" as stated flippantly.
I do look.
Searching for a piece of me that may have found itself at the end of a haphazardly but perfectly placed sentence or phrase.
Wanting to find some crystal clear reflection.
A familiar image.
That spark of connection to re-ignite that which seems to have been lost. So. Yes.
I do read.
As often as my soul believes it needs to read.
Hoping but not expecting to see. Me.

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All me, but not.

You used to have so many.
Pet names, nick names.
Pretty much the same but what was important is that you had them.
Something cute or specific.
A personal joke or small piece of wit. You said it.
Made something up to tease or maybe even please, just to simply release the closeness that we once shared.
As stupid as it may seem, they made me feel special.
It was the representation of the growth of our shared stories.
Now I am to you what I am to everyone else.
Friendship hiccuped and that familiarity was lost.
Everything is so damn serious now.
And I hate it.

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Tuesday, October 12, 2010


I am tired and its making me want to curl up into a ball and cry a little.
I wonder what will happen if I take some Anadin Liquifast, with some cherry coke and some pro plus....

Its cuddle time I think, like a proper long, squishy, strong one.

If you smell nice and give good hugs apply below...


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Monday, October 11, 2010


Back to reality.
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Surface skimming isn't so easy right now.
Questions bubble and bust in bright colours though not as rich in hue as they once were.
I guess there are some things that I will always want to understand but somehow cynical her as crept in and is keeping a very watchful eye on this particular urge.
I say questions but really its just the one.
Right now the need isn't as strong.
Maybe it will return?
Maybe it will slow burn before disappearing into the blue mist of tomorrow.

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You no longer read.
Though I struggle to respect your reasons, frustration rules my universe as I feel rejected.
Dejected and push aside.
You no longer read.
Ignoring the steam heating up my soul and going about on your own, unawares of my growth.
My attempts at being better.
My progression.
You no longer read.
And I feel like maybe you are no longer interested in that part of me because history has stung easily and now, now you are unable to bounce back.
You no longer read and well, to be honest.
It hurts.

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Thursday, October 7, 2010


I can't quite put my finger on it but it felt
Freedom was the only song I sang as I allowed myself to fully become the moment.
I felt sure, felt certain, felt like I was maybe worth it.
Connected in a way that history had long since erased.
The bleak future once faced now has a slight glow.
I dunno.
Trying to not think but rather just feel.
Surface skimming as I still slightly fear going too deep but enjoying it nonetheless.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010


Innocence and youth must be scratched across my face embossed with permanent marker because history repeats itself.
This deep tissue misunderstanding.
Prevent the truth from crash landing and being absorbed into your first impression.
I do not intentionally misrepresent but somehow, the same conclusions are drawn again and again as he or she or they make assumptions about what or who I may be.
This record has been stuck for way too long, replaying tunes from a time when this wasn't the norm.
And it makes we wonder...
Is it the way I look or the way I act?
The latter would infact be an unacceptable fact as I will happily take credit for this hereditary, magical, fragility but to underestimate me mentally may very well be the thing you end up viewing most regrettably.
It is also the thing that I ponder upon most frustratingly.
Don't take my humility for weakness or my laid back attitude as an invitation for you to take the piss.
Suck happily on this naturally sweet demerara treat with the understanding that when treated flippantly bad things happen.
How about just being who you are whilst I do me?
No, best version imagery before falling prey to reality.
I feel my way through the pretence with relative ease.
I guess I'll just leave those that misunderstand to misjudge and underestimate me.
Makes it easier to be happy.

S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

Monday, October 4, 2010

The last time I made this journey humiliation flushed my cheeks full of blood and I was reminded again of that thing I tend not to really think about too much.
Most of the time.
Maybe I brought in on myself by speaking it but deep in my stomach that feeling told me it would happen again and the words left my mouth before I could think about holding them in.
For the second time in a row my embarrassment was shared with complete strangers and I felt eyes burn holes into my sometimes fragile soul as I exited the lift.
On my first journey, uncouth drunkenness drew the attention away.
This time, I fought the lump in my throat.
This time, I had to push against the urge to just go home.
this time the sign
You're too fat to ride.

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