Saturday, January 15, 2011

Streams of tears

Today I cried.
Allowed weakness to fully flood my being just so that I could start heading towards being better.
Needing to allow every piece of pain, frustration, lethargy, confusion, anger out.
I know that I carry a lot.
I understand that I give whilst surrounded by those that take.
I accept my current inability to trust people too much or to feel safe enough to be weak keeps me in this state somewhat.
Disappointment surrounds me as I am easily forgotten in favour of other things.
And I cried.
Allowed audible sobs to rack my usually strong shoulders, as these boulders have become too heavy for me.
But only temporarily.
Have lost count of how many times I have been pulled roughly along the same cactus, each time carefully, methodically taking out the needles and preparing to go again.
I will not say that I have never had the support that I give.
Just that the consistency is somewhat shakey.
At some point people tire of it, though I seem to have an endless supply of it.
Maybe I'm glutton for punishment?
Maybe this is why God places me where he does.
Maybe I will always be throwing around 'maybe's in a bid to understand something that I maybe never will.
Crazy, it feels like my urges to comfort others is alien because usually others look on without a strong enough urge to hold me tightly until the sobs subside.
This is why when I cried
I cried alone.
No one around to hear me or watch curiously.
I did not want to feel the sting or embarrassment or abandonment.
In truth I cannot see the point of ease but wait for its impending returning.

Natalie Fiawoo ® Blogging on the go...

1 comment:

SOC said...

Psalm 56:8
Thou tellest my wanderings: put thou my tears into thy bottle: are they not in thy book?