Plague

Plagued all morning by this inner turmoil
Internally I pace back and forth
A picture book of family, friends and love flash quickly and repeatedly through my mind
Running out of time
Trying to choose the direction of life
Stop it Natalie, now is not the time nor place for you to break down and cry
Years spent living a lie?
Frustrated and hurt and angry because you won't make me stay
Keep talking about how it's not your place
All I can see is a murky red as my mind and heart scream "Don't you care enough?"
Won't you miss me?
Is your stubborn pride and false disconnection more important than never seeing me again?
Your illogical ideology of "I said it so I must do it"
Dealt with so much, but I guess that it the price you pay for Love
No regrets live here, but now I'm spinning because when it really comes down to it, when the flame is almost out you run rather than re-light
Shut down and pretend it isn't happening rather than man up and fight
Future happiness disappears because you don't care
Eyes stare blankly from a black hole.
Fuck it is clouding my soul
Completely broke
So cold
Why doesn't it matter?
Why don't I matter?
How can I believe that I ever did anything right when all that I am isn't special enough for you to want to grip with both hands and hold on tight for dear life
Why even bother to say my name in the first place when you knew you could and would simply walk away?
Trickery

Didn't ask for a destination, just a journey

No need for a map or compass

Why didn't you listen to me?

Whatever happened to the honesty of this love that you say you have for me?

So cold