May-be

"I wait for you, I don't know why, all I know is I can't hide, at this temperature it could take over my mind.
Like gossamer, you softly touch he draws me in, I'm powerless, he possesses an enchantment.
Tell me I'm forgiven, he calls don't know how I fell under his, lately I've been driving, he smiles, an enchantment"
Enchantment - Corinne Bailey Rae

Maybe if I'd had my own space things would've been different.
No one else's thoughts or words just mine, yours.
Just ours.
Maybe I could've shown you what it would be without anyone else's memories or essence creating a distraction.
Fresh start, clean slate living. Separate from our past.
Allowing us to just be.
Just you.
Just me.
May
Be


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I hate being the reason your mood turns foul
So for now,
I'm mouthless.
Just remembering the good times and focusing on our bond
Reaquainting myself with our connection
The reasons I miss you
No more arguments as I don't want this to be all you taste when you remember our friendship
Mouthless
Because I feel that silence is better than shouting or crying or hating.
Too much damage is being done

Mouthless.

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Outside Treasures - By Mia

The flowers petals are so soft and smooth
The grass is as silky as a piece of a ribbon
The clouds is as fluffy as cotton wool
The trees bark is an rough as stone
The sun is as blazing as a crusty burnt toast
The birds are singing like a chorus of angels
The butterflies are flying as quiet and as graceful as a falling feather
The flowers stem is as straight as a stiff stick
The wind is so breezy

By Mia (age 8)

Argh

I have this HUUUUGE ball of frustration sitting right at the base of my stomach...
Having to focus on not flipping out on my work colleagues because it isn't even their fault...
I'm choosing silence...
Roll on tomorrow so that I can chill with my fam and eat away my pain...

I get it.
When it comes to saying No you are all over it
But the fear if being vulnerable turns you into an Oz'less Tin Man
Rather disappoint the whole world than risk someone actually being close enough to make you hurt
I get it.
Today I learned that trying is now pointless, not even a tiny dent was achieved by my genuine persistence
So I will feel from a distance
I get it.

Plague

Plagued all morning by this inner turmoil
Internally I pace back and forth
A picture book of family, friends and love flash quickly and repeatedly through my mind
Running out of time
Trying to choose the direction of life
Stop it Natalie, now is not the time nor place for you to break down and cry
Years spent living a lie?
Frustrated and hurt and angry because you won't make me stay
Keep talking about how it's not your place
All I can see is a murky red as my mind and heart scream "Don't you care enough?"
Won't you miss me?
Is your stubborn pride and false disconnection more important than never seeing me again?
Your illogical ideology of "I said it so I must do it"
Dealt with so much, but I guess that it the price you pay for Love
No regrets live here, but now I'm spinning because when it really comes down to it, when the flame is almost out you run rather than re-light
Shut down and pretend it isn't happening rather than man up and fight
Future happiness disappears because you don't care
Eyes stare blankly from a black hole.
Fuck it is clouding my soul
Completely broke
So cold
Why doesn't it matter?
Why don't I matter?
How can I believe that I ever did anything right when all that I am isn't special enough for you to want to grip with both hands and hold on tight for dear life
Why even bother to say my name in the first place when you knew you could and would simply walk away?
Trickery

Didn't ask for a destination, just a journey

No need for a map or compass

Why didn't you listen to me?

Whatever happened to the honesty of this love that you say you have for me?

So cold

Wondering Wander

I'm wondering...
Did I do something that made you feel as though you weren't good enough?
When it came to your frailties was I a little rough?
Did I say too much?
The idea is that my presence will make you want to be better
My essence make you want to try harder
Experience and lessons learned
Shared in Love
But maybe it made you feel inadequate...
Never my intention because I learned from you too
Your perceptions surpassed mine when it came to you understanding my tears and feeling empathy for my fears because I didn't understand yours
Was opened up to many new patterns of thought and forced to check my flaws
Did my use of expression and my hunger for knowledge force you away?
Maybe, there's something I can do or say to show you that you are amazing?

Wish...

I want to be perfect for you
Just right
So that you might be filled with Pride,
So that Love is evident in the darkest spaces of your eyes
So that you are unable to see me outside of your life
Teacher, Student, Lover, Bestfriend, Backbone, maybe one day Wife, perhaps Mother of child
All that is needed, wanted, desired...

Daddy

It's funny
It took me longer than it should have to appreciate this man
His old African ways sometimes made me resentful of the way he made decisions about me and my life
Early memories of the way he treated his wife
Never had the advantage of being his favourite and sometimes felt the brunt of the punishments he dealt
More so than my siblings
Now, my heart sometimes aches in acknowledgement of the sweetness of this man and his sudden frailty sends ripples of fear right through me
Hardly ever one to say no and he will go to great lengths to ensure the happiness of the seeds he has sown
He holds many of the traits my husband will own
Not on some Oedipus trip
I have just learnt what he taught when it comes to what a man should be whenever he is needed

Mothers Child

I am my mothers child
Talkative
Over caring and submissive
Never a problem to give as much of me as is needed
Lifes duty to make those I Love happy
Volatile, volcanic errutpions sometimes spring from me as I tend to react on gut instinct
I have learned things she never did
Lessons that make me stronger, smarter and non-alcoholic
Still, I am my mothers child
Love her more than life itself
Cry when she is hurt and would turn my back on anyone who tried to destroy her spirit
If she needed mine, well then I would give it
Sometimes I see her as the child to be protected and cared for
My Mothers child

The pain of Escapism

Escaping into a momentary, temporary world of magic tree's and connected beings
One world chosen over the other because love said so
Now, on my way home I go
Head pounding with a vengence
Sudden pain returns to chest
I find it hard to keep regular breath
My heart beats speak as a disrespectful tempest
Violent and furious
Over
No more
Wishing for a notebook type ending where you'll end up returning because absence left your heart breaking
Disillusioned
Because you already speak of the future you will have without me
Once you have learned lessons that you wouldn't learn with me...

Sweet Surprise

You didn't run away from me whilst we were out but rather created a space of protection and comfort
A ring of fire
The kind that keeps trespassers out
You did things I never felt you would
Didn't expect
And it took me more than just "a minute" to catch on
Still smiling
Made me feel special
Like I mattered
Gold dust in a crystal pan
I felt Love
The past melts away in to long forgotten steam
Rising swiftly into nowhere
Forgiveness, patience, perseverance are the only things I now know
The warmth of your energy still stands behind me and I breathe in slowly
Wanting you there for an eternity
Seriously

power-less-power

I do it because it's my way of dealing
Saying what I think you're feeling in a bid to lessen my hurting
I'll joke about u leaving before you get round to it so that hopefully I'm less affected
A bid to take the power away from you, yeah, I know...
It's backwards
But it's the only way that I can cope
The reality of the situation
The burn sting of rejection
The repetition
I guess it makes me somewhat hypocritical when I react to you doing the same
It's just that when you do it, it feels real
Uncertainty still shouts at me when I look at you and so I struggle to understand what it is that you feel
28 hrs of perfection
Previously unfelt connection
Affection
A sense of protection
Then
Frustration
My heart and soul silently, secretly plead for you to change your mind
Hoping it felt just as good to you but knowing it didn't because as the first light is revealed on a new day
And times sands quickly and steadily fall away
Nothing
Has changed

Argh... I need a jewellery box!
How old school is that? Lol.
Come to think of it, I need a new bead bag too... Well... I'm off to the shops so maybe I'll find one... Hopefully somewhere kitsch and quirky.
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It's weird how this space to just vent has now become a way to communicate.
Things that I want to say but can't as I don't want to cause an argument or drag up any emotional bullshit.
Every day I fight it because I feel like it matters less and less to you.
The sun is setting quicker than I had thought on our story and I wonder whether at some point you will cease to even read my ramblings.
I can feel you pulling away from me now and even as I do the same I still ache for you to become the opposite of what you are right now because the only reason I am doing this is because you did it first.
Don't know what to do.
Feels like I was illiterate when it came to things I thought I knew.
Unable to figure out what you think when you see me apart from the fact that my soul only reads as past to you, when it could have said future.
Don't want to say these things anymore and want to feel these things even less.
This 2 way street was really only travelled by me.
Repetitive history...

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Shot

Text message in the middle of the night
I can't get proper control of my heartbeat and I'm hit all at once by cold and hot
What do you mean you nearly got shot?
Furthermore, how can you alert me to this fact via text message?
Try your phone but its going to voicemail
Panic sets in me on a huge scale
Re-read your message and it says your home safe
Ok, so things are kind of in their place but still...
I recall something of this type happened last year too
Maybe a lesson you didn't learn back then
But when?
I can't remember the last time I felt that kind of fear
Shit...
Had pretty much just dozed off but now all hopes of sleep are lost
STILL can't regulate the speed of my heart beat
Panic
Regret
Fear
Love
Need
Want


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Roll on the end of the year...
I need to breathe and just want to start over!
Clean slate time.

All goes well I should be in turkey by february, march at the latest. Starting to get that "can't wait" feeling.

This last week or 2 have been heavy for me. Emotionally, physically, mentally.

I am starting to rebuild the relationships that I need for my growth and happiness and learning to let go of the ones that aren't right for me. A VERY hard process and I'm still struggling.

Most importantly for me, I am working more diligently with my relationship with God. His presence has given me a great sense of sanity in my current state of madness.

Christmas is always an interesting time for me because of different memories that are attached to it but this christmas has probably been the most important for a while.
Right now I'm wide open emotionally, carrying a lot and learning to carefully pick my way through it.

This blog thing has been a beautiful redirection of energy and even if nobody reads it, the fact that I am able to vent has been indescribable.
Seasons Greetings to you all!


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Step 1

Memories of my youth travel back with frightening speed when we speak about certain things that happened previously
Parts of my past that I chose to erase and therefore never shared with you
Physical scars leave even deeper emotional grooves and you wonder why I get so frustrated
You see, the first man I dated did and said things that you wouldn't believe
Played with my trust and dependency
Pretended he loved me
I can still see the dingyness of his shadowed home a true reflection of his heart
Brown and orange in decor
Gave him all I was capable of but he wanted more
Planted feeling of inadequacy
That seed still lives inside of me
Was taken off guard by his physical strength as he had never displayed this behaviour before
Kissing but he wanted more
Felt as though he deserved what he wanted but would take it either way
I no longer really had a say
I wonder whether this was the norm
A way he had behaved before
He said if I didn't let him he would harm those close to
Threatened my family
Something I would do anything to prevent unquestionably
14 years old and in a situation I never meant to be
Trust given irresponsibly
Changed pretty much everything about me
A sharp turn in my growth journey
The look in his eyes still haunts me
Maybe if I had spent more time staring into them beforehand I would've been ready
More aware, a mistake that I will never repeat
I wonder how closely you paid attention, and how much more you've now learnt of me...


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Me... In a nutshell... Pretty much...

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System Support

In need of a support system.
One that will stay the way I want it to for as long as I need it to.
Strong enough to hold me higher than this sack load of negativity.
Submissive enough to give itself to me.
In need of a support system.
The kind that understands the connection.
Acknowledges the bond that is created when I become dependent.
See my potential and push me towards the realisation.
Acknowledge my faults but still love and want me despite frustration.
One that let's me be strong enough to handle all of it but weak enough to need to call on it.
In need of a support system.
Today I could feel this support system.
Touch, taste, see and breathe this support system.
But understood that it would never be mine...


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Boogie Box Presents... fresh 'n' funky

Hello my Luvlies,

My friends at clothing brand Boxfresh have asked me to plug and event that they are involved with.... If they are backing it then I Just know it's gonna be good!

Sooooo... You should go... 'cos I said so!!!

It's on 2nd Jan at Den&Centro.

There are some limited £10 tickets which are available on ticketweb.

Ohhhh... and for those that own a pair of Boxfresh trainers, you can wear them there!!!!

Duvet Day

You protect me.
Shelter me from the coldness of the world.
A lifetimes supply of tears and sweat have merged with your contents.
Laughter imprinted on your skin.
Comfort safety when shit is going wrong.
Reassurance and stability when all is fine.
You have shared it all.
Trapped in the confines of my own thoughts.
Afraid they may drag me under.
Oppressed.
Fighting irrational action.
Work
Family
Friends
Love
Health
Flip a coin and see how either or all will affect me today.
Thank goodness for the soft warmness of my duvet.
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Soapy Water

No urge to ever wash or cut you out of my hair
Would rather have you run your fingers through it with tenderness
Genuine care
The hot water to refresh and reshape
Cleanses me
On my knees leaning over the bath
Massage my scalp gently
Caress each hair shaft
Stand towering over me as you relax me
Strength and affection
Firm but with compassion
Eyes closed as you keep soap out of them
I still see you clearly


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Wooooooaaaaaahhhhh....
You're sex is on FIRE!!!!!

Men DEFINITELY shouldn't be wearing Ugg's
Under NO circumstances
No matter WHAT


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Crazy

It's so crazy.
You make everything better, after all this time, all these ups and downs.
You create this world away from the world, a bubble, a safe zone.
Everything else just melts into a blur.

In awe.


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Sugary Horlick's, Snowflakes and Serenity

After being forced out of the office early due to the snow I embarked upon the scary and slow journey home. The train part of my trip was pretty straight forward, however I arrived at archway station and the realisation sunk in that I would be walking home. On went the gloves and hat and off I trudged. I turned down the first of many side streets and it dawned on me that it was pretty much silent, bar the occasional sniff from my now running nose and the crunching of my feet in the snow. For the first time in a long time I felt peaceful. This weekend in particular has been pretty tough. By the time Saturday evening arrived I had already reached my emotional limit and pretty much wanted to jump on a plane absolutely anywhere whilst waving goodbye to every little piece of oppression I have been feeling. The early hours of Sunday morning brought me to a place of quietness and semi-acceptance. I'm not one for New Year's resolutions but I am determined not to carry any of the baggage that has been weighing me down thus far into 2010. Perhaps for my own sanity more than anything else. I want peacefulness, contentedness and happiness and I honestly believe that I deserve that. I didn't know that blogging could be such a productive, inspiring, motivating exercise. I am writing more than I have in a while and am being blessed with people around me who want to give me all the things that I can and will give them. Last night my life (but more likely the Holy Spirit) prompted me to open my bible and read the following- "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." 1st Corinthians ch13 vs4-7 A passage that most of us are familiar with but hardly ever strive towards. I think I will refer back to it from time to time to ensure that I am doing exactly what I am meant to do when it comes to those that I say I love and also ensure that those who love me are doing the same. The simplistic power that is contained in the small piece of scripture has given me a new drive, a new determination and a new sense of serenity. I want to be a good, genuine and loving person. Now to finish my Horlicks and head off to Iluvlive! XX

Letting it go

I'm letting it go, letting it go
I'm letting it go, letting it go
I exhale
And as I do so
I let go
Breathing out all the oppressive negativity that I have found comfort in
For this was the reason I gave my self for not moving forward, growing and advancing  
Relieving myself of the dead weight that I've been carrying
Regardless of the shape or form it comes in
They say that we are the only things that stand in the way of our progression
I can't argue with that notion
Because sometimes doubt in myself has lead me to what I thought was a place of ease
Never really fully happy but I created this resolve to pretend to be
Some fake sense of security
A picture perfect image of pure crazy
Because it never lasted long and I always end up singing that same song
Well, I don't wanna anymore 
I'm letting it go, letting it go
I'm letting it go, letting it go
I close my eyes
And as I do so
I let go
So that in opening them I see past where you end or begin
See past the he say, she say bullshit that has a tendency to pull us in
The transference of energy that we all from time to time get trapped in
Letting go of you so that I can regain my sanity
Regain clarity so that I can once again understand what is true
Reclaim this loss of energy that you removed from me to refuel you
Acknowledging that I have been used
Making a forward move
And learning
So that it doesn't happen again
Replacing the wall that was torn down by your presence
Taking time to find a stronger me, because I won't be that woman, I refuse to be defined by anything you put upon me 
I'm letting it go, letting it go
I'm letting it go, letting it go
I clench and then release my fists
And as I do so
I let go
Letting go of the anger that was balled up inside of them
The frustration at the way things were going
Realising the difference between what I am and am not controlling
Realising that anything that has the potential to stunt this metamorphosis needs dissolving
Even if it means that I have to walk around it because walking through it would mean contaminating my being with it
Redirecting my energy, no longer will it stress or oppress me
because these things prevent me from being the best me
I'm letting it go, letting it go
I'm letting it go, letting it go

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Random entry from my Journey Journal 2

Love never dies a natural death.
It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source.
It dies of errors, betrayals and blindness.
It dies of illness and wounds.
It dies of weariness, of withering's, of tarnishing's.
-Anais Nin


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Lol

What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?






Dr Dre...
Boom Boom


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Argh.
I'm doing it again!
Mad at me.
I will stop, I must stop
But
Can I?
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Breathe

It's amazing
How you can change my whole mood around
Anger, hurt and resentment falls to the way side
Your warmth melting any icicles that may have pre-existed
Scares me because I'm never sure where it'll take me
You still have my heart
Not asking for it back just want you to remember that, after all this time, you still have it
The blend of both our energies creates a new kind of electricity
I try to look into your eyes so that I can read you but you won't allow me to keep your gaze for long enough
What do you want from me?
You say nothing but I think that's because you aren't really listening to what you soul is requesting of you
Content
Happy
Connected


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I look at them and my heart aches and reaches bursting point
3 beautiful but very different representatives of my family
And even though they didn't come from me
I LOVE them just as dearly
The need to protect, care for, help grow
This incomprehensible emotion my eyes show
How could I have known that a love like this existed
Calmness invades all of me when they are close to me
The word LOVE seems to describe less than adequately what these beauties mean to me
But LOVE = God and so with I'll settle happily
Because He gave them to me
And now, even if I'm never given my own opportunity
I will live my days contentedly
My 3 heartbreakingly gorgeous beauties.


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I Love you.
143 isn't adequate right now to express all of the things my heart and soul say to me when they see you, smell you, touch you.
I want you.
Feel as though I might burst as rainbows and seasons tell a story of how you gently caressed the inner sanctum and made me Love again.
Senses found a whole new way of communication as you set every nerve ending and hair follicle alight.
I Love you.
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Random entry from my Journey Journal

Today, I Love you but don’t like you
Warm weather and unknown faces call me and I’m wishing I was there now
Because, somehow, your treatment of me has made me slightly resentful
A path I had hoped that this journey wouldn’t take me down
My mind is ablaze with thoughts I will never share because they would make you feel sorry for yourself
And you don’t like that do you?
So, instead of pulling your elasticated socks back into place you walk around so that the world can see them
Drooping and not quite right
With wounded eyes and heart that is predisposed to giving up
Humility is sometimes pushed aside for attention seeking and at times I have felt disrespected by this apparent need to just do what you want regardless of whatever repercussions it may have
Have never pushed you aside in favour of another
Neither have I attempted to replace you with mediocrity and half worth
I just wanna be out of here so that I don’t have to feel your lack of feeling
So that I don't have to see your stunted way of seeing
Or feel bad butterflies and nausea at your blinkered way of being
Next time, it will be different
I promise myself that

Christmas party today
Its too cold for this shit
And even though he may be slightly wonky I am very Lucky that a knight on a silver horse has agreed to take me home afterwards.

You didn't need to...

You lied to me
Shit just doesn't sit right and even though I told you before that the truth always finds me
You still lied to me
Stupid little things here and there
Unnecessary things that make me out to be unreasonable
Typical
Making me withdraw, pull back and look at you sideways
Discomfort plays it's awkward song making me hostile
You just didn't need to

Adult Content

Convo
Me- Some nasty, pissy, old, tramp just showed me his erection!!!
YB- was it big
Me- No, it was disgusting

This conversation got me thinking.
In general, dick/penis/cock/manhood ,or whatever you wanna call it, is not really very pleasing to the eye...
I mean, unlike made for male porn, pictures of random, hard pee pee's aren't gonna get me off.

With that said, sometimes even the thought of doing special favours for that special man may seem stomach churningly daunting...

That is until you have that moment.

That moment when the switch flicks and you have, what I have decided to call a 'Dickpithiny'.

That moment where everything amazing and brilliant that this man has been doing for you (maybe even TO you) merges into a big, beautiful ball of sunshine and suddenly, the once ugly private member becomes your best friend.

You wanna look at it, touch it, taste it, hell, even cook hot meals WITH dessert for it.

You LOVE it!

It is BEAUTIFUL!

Nothing has the power to get you off or on more than this mans special stick...

I don't really know where this blog is going but the thought caught me and so I allowed my fingers to run with it.

It's late, please don't hold it against me.

Maybe ya'll can leave me some comments to share your thoughts on this random but interesting phenomena?

Sleep still hides from me
Running as if hiding from blood hounds and men on wild horses
Erratic
At times fearfully static
Unsure of its final destination
My mood sits at the bell end a taught pendulum
Swinging in hypnotic rhythmic silence
A small but steady Atumpan beats within my temple playing songs of my ancestors and the weight of their burdens
Eyes stare up at starless skies
Pollution and contamination took care of that while ago
Are you doing the same?
I guess that is something

I’ll never

Know

Poetic Paralysis

Writers block has been a constant issue for me for the past 6 or so months.
The odd new piece has been realised but nothing like what I was used to writing.
They say quality matters over quantity and I guess I should be happy to have been able to have written anything of substance at all.

I knew the root of my block but was so consumed by life and it's misfortunes that I didn't spend time freeing myself of this internal bondage.

Then something lovely happened...

A beautiful lady sent me her softly spoken thoughts and feelings and before I knew it my mind started to whirr and I was able to put my soul, once again, on paper.
Hopefully one day soon, with her blessing, I will be able to share these thoughts with you.
I was up till the early hrs this morning.

Today I feel decidedly emotional and distant but I know that is just step one.

So, Missy, I say thank you. Thank you very much.

I'm finding myself in a reflective state.

Not wanting to start the new year as it is inevitably going to end.

Holding my breath as I attempt to quickly rip off plasters.

It's better when it's done faster... isn't it?

Concerned because each plaster contains a piece of my DNA and I'm not so sure that I'm content discarding that along with yesterdays used tissues and today's bitter frustrations.

Uncontrollable situations...

Truths left untold

Sit back and let it unfold?

Not so easy when it gives me comfort to keep hold.

Maybe time will tell...

Sometimes a snowball is just that, a snowball.

What is it with our (human beings) constant need to look for the negative before the positive?

Why do we assume that something is gonna go wrong without actually allowing ourselves to nurture the right?

I have learnt that whenever you look for the ugly you will undoubtedly find it so, a while ago, I made the decision to be that annoying positive chick always looking for a silver lining regardless of how dark or gloomy the cloud might be.

Sometimes I get proper frustrated when people don't allow themselves to enjoy something because their past has "shown" them that things never work out the way that they want them to work out and that belief makes them quite content to sit back and say "See, I told you so" when the smallest trial comes their way.

I wonder if they've ever considered the possibility that they negative attitude and inability to help the good things grow is what pushes things in the wrong direction... Sometimes I wanna take the index finger of my right hand, poke them in the middle of their hard head and shout "Ever heard of a Self Fulfilling Prophecy Buddy????"

Don't get me wrong, the bubble that I live in isn't so thick and rose tinted that I can't acknowledge that sometimes shit just goes wrong, however, I don't believe that you should start looking for the bigger problem that might possibly come afterwards, but rather that you should take the hit, learn from it and push forward towards the things that make you happy.

Like attracts Like.

There isn't always going to be an avalanche, sometimes a snowball is just that, a snowball.