Truth?

Are you Ready?

Ponderings

Repetitive

"Always".
I word I hadn't anticipated but one that hit the very centre of me.
Simply because it is what I've felt.
"Everytime"
And I am guilty again.
It is me.
The problem is.
I search blank eyes looking for the answer and get thick, tangy molasses in return.
"Always"
"Everytime"
Harsh but seemingly true.
So I am silent.
The feelings behind the sadness lost in the sounds of half drunk patrons and violent, self righteous London.
I wander into the silence alone.
Gritted teeth and sick stomach.
Accusations hissed at my back.
I will stay where I am supposed to and not stray again.

Sent using BlackBerry® from Orange

Dream Sweet Sweet Dreamin'

Late nights and long days.
You greet me secretly.
Soft brown skin waiting for me.
Warm and soft.
Strong and soft.
Smooth and soft.
I smile.
Would it be too cliché to say that I had a feeling?
My thoughts as I floated down the last balcony or tiredness were filled with contemplations of how nice it would be if your heat was there…
Waiting for me.
I open the door and a familiar smell is waiting but signs of you are not present.
I brush the buzzing thoughts away and take off my shoes.
Silly me.
Sleep calls me and as I prepare to find her I see you.
Unexpected but very welcome.
Cold light brown skin climbs hungrily, hurriedly beneath covers.
I smile.
This is what I want.

Just Saying

Fuck dreaming.
If I have to sleep to see it then I will never be it.

Sent using BlackBerry® from Orange

Dream On...

As of late I have had more than a couple of men quizz me on my thoughts regarding the whole "sex on a first date” thing.

Now they haven't come out and blatantly asked me if I would have sex with them but are clearly trying to gauge whether or not this is something that I have and/or will do.

Fair dues to them for trying, but the response is always the same.
Never have, never will.

It would appear that one of the guys in question didn’t seem to believe that a date was actually a date unless it began or ended in sex while the other believed that I should try it as it may very well blow my mind (no doubt he was trying to subliminally sell himself to me).
Cue ‘Family Fortunes’ incorrect suggestion sound…you know the one that I’m talking about.

While I enjoy sex, very very much I feel absolutely no need to jump in to it with any/every guy who I am willing to spend a little time with.
In fact, in the early stages of hanging out with someone, my only goal is to figure out which box they will be placed in, whether they are compatible with me, whether they are actually sexy to me.

For the most part, I will talk about sex very honestly and openly because it is a bloody interesting topic where no two experiences are the same (even if those 2 experiences were one and the same event) but this does not mean that I am trying to play a game of verbal foreplay with you, we are simply discussing, reasoning, chatting. It also does not mean that you should then take this as your cue to try and force me to imagine your wee place coming anywhere near mine.

When it comes to dating, sex has a way of clouding things in this lovely sparkly mist that actually prevents you from properly getting to know that person because, like any fun filled addiction, it becomes the default for any indoor (and possibly outdoor) meetings. Of course bad sex does the opposite, and can end what could have been special had you taken the time to actually learn that person a little more and figured out how you are able to be compatible.

The thought of Sex on a first date has rarely if ever crossed my mind because, while once switched on that particular part of me is damn near impossible to switch off, I am not led by it, it isn’t my priority.
NB – Just because I am attracted to you physically doesn’t mean that you can “get me there”. It reaches further than that. A lot further.
Constantly bringing it up in a bid to convince me that it would be a good idea to get naked with you can actually serve as a turn off.

I have never had bad sex, EVER and I intend to keep it that way.

Conversation, in my opinion is the key to most things, including my chastity belt.

Just sayin’.

Pearl

Show me your love in a single pale pink pearl for I have had diamonds before and while I had never experienced that kind of happiness before their transparency left me heartbroken, lonely and empty.
Drowning in it's reflective facia.
So, this time I will take the creamy beauty of a pale pink pearl for they do not grow effortlessly in amongst rock and stone
Amazing as diamonds may be in reality they are simply a rock.
But my pale pink pearl?
It is crafted purposefully.
A defence mechanism from unwanted parasites or dirt.
This is what I want my love to be.
Deliberate, protective, beautiful and timeless.
This is what I want. This is what I need.

...

Look? what this boy done did to me
He done cut me off from a good good love.
He told me that those days were gone
Now I'm sitting here going half crazy
Cause I know he still thinks about me too
And there ain't no way in hell, that I can be just friends with you

And I wish we never did it
And I wish we never loved it
And I wish I never fell so deep in love with you and now ain't no way we can be friends.

The way it felt, no faking it
Maybe we were moving just a little too fast.
But what we've done we can't take it back
Now I'm sitting here half way crazy
Cause I know he still thinks about me too
And there ain't no way in hell, that I can be just friends

And I wish we never did it
And I wish we never loved it
And I wish I never fell so deep in love with you and now ain't no way we can be friends.

Ain't no tellin what we could have been,
And if I knew it would end like this,
I never would have kissed ya, Cause I fell in love with ya,
We never would've kicked it, Cause now everything's different
I lost my only lover and my friend that's why I wished we never did it

And I wish we never loved it
And I wish I never fell so deep in love with you
And now ain't no way we can be friends.

She Said...

Young girl.
Just because he holds you while you sleep.
Or strokes your face while he kisses you softly.
Even if he tastes you without prompting or looks into your eyes while you make love slowly.
Just because he loves your family or lets you meet his.
Shares secrets of his past and allows you to wipe away his hard fallen tears.
He may cook for you, pay for you, drive or carry you, fight for you.
He may even hold your hand or rest his fingertips at the base of your spine to protect you.
Young girl you are too naïve.
Do not make the same mistake as I.
All of these things do not make him yours.
Your Love may cover him gently and he may call you when he is in need.
He may even say that you are perfect and that he loves you too.
But
Until he says that his heart belongs to you fully and openly offers commitment, he is still searching for the her that you are unable to be for him.

Gagged

Too scared to write these days.
Fearful that venom will become tangible.
Or that emotion will become disposable.
Scared that I will have my Slim Shady moment and say things that only last for the length of time that they take to spell out but that the sting will last much longer than I can bare.
Too scared to write these days.
Ashamed at the way my own words now make me feel.
The pink mist hitting the air as life leaves my lungs and heart.
Constantly reminding myself to be extra careful as these words fight without ceasing.
Attempting to escape the cold stone walls of their prison.
Like Toussaint's Maroons they are seeking freedom without the knowledge that once they are loosed from bondage they will be forever damaged.
Marked and scarred with memories and stigma.
Too scared to write these days.
Because silence and rejection take away a piece of me each and every time that they are hurled.
Too scared to write because love isn't what it should be and desires are a stupid frivolity.
Too scared to write because my feelings chain you in awkwardness and fear of time stolen.
Too scared to write because my audience is no longr paying attention.

Restraint

I want to call.
Want to share katsu Curry, Gyoza and that horrible prawn thing that you love so much.
I want to share 2 year old memories like "Remember...."
But I can't.
Have no right to force myself into the new memories that you are hell bent on creating alone.
I want to call.
But I won@t.

You...

Stand there.
Yeah right there.
Just like that.
Let me drink you in slowly.
A vision of strength and masculinity.
Arms strong and back flexed broadly.
Take.
Your.
Time.
Don't worry about me.
If I get inpatient I'll start while you watch and walk towards me.
Eyes locked unflinchingly.
Fuck me.
Yep, that's right.
I said and mean it sincerely.
After that's over with.
Make Love to me.
Gently.
Worship the feather in me.
This glass may break easily but I trust that you will handle carefully.


Sent using BlackBerry® from Orange

Ignored

For his own selfish reasons he ignores her.
Without acknowledging what she is needing him for…
He ignores.
Of all the people in his world that he could place on mute she could not fathom why she was continually blanked out.
Mouth invisible, heart discarded.
Sometimes it could be days, sometimes just hours but it was obvious that it was deliberate.
To him this was justified.
He didn’t have the desire/urge/time/energy.

Never taking a moment to stand where she had long since fallen.
She couldn’t understand.
But it was slowly breaking her down.
Pushing her to a point where she would become the nothing that he made her in his silences.
Flippant with his rationale.
Did she need to plead her case to be placed at the front of the queue?
She gave.
Endlessly
Continuously
Without question.
At the drop of a hat.
“Call me back please”
Darkness passes over slowly.
She waits…
Willing him to be different this time.
To see what she gives and want to give the same.

“I was on the phone”
A response that cuts deeper than he possibly intends but now she struggles to hold her wound closed, trying to prevent too much of her from staining the white cotton sheets.
Because after it all, he still didn’t call.
Did he not see the silent plea, or did he choose to ignore simply.
Call waiting? her heart whispers.
Deciding what she wants to say before she has had the chance to utter a syllable.
He once said that he didn’t want to lose her but his actions contradict.
She feels herself falling into that grey lethargy.
Disillusioned.
Deeply hurt.
Tired.
Her heart and gut feel as though they know what he has to say before he says it.
She is patient nonetheless.
Waiting.
Silent.
Ignored.

Reflection

I do to them what you do to me.
I wonder if is this is my way of balancing my psyche?
Of deflecting my frustations subconciously.
Of dealing with the hurt that I feel.
I have always done this I believe.
I don't want to anymore.

The only white boy involved

Now, I'm not one to go on rants aimed at the media and am even less of one to go on rants aimed at the media in reference to the death of a teen.
But
Today, I read the Daily Mail article about Nicholas Pearton and instantly felt angered.

It is very unfortunate and saddening that yet another young person has tragically and brutally lost their loves in this, our fair city but fuck you Daily Mail for using it as a means to further perpetrate the climate of fear that surrounds young black males.

After continually referring to the perpetrators as a "pack of animals" Daily Mail journalist Tom Kelly went on to make the wholly unnecessary statement that Nicholas was the "only white boy involved" as if his colour wasn't already obvious from the picture accompanying the article.

It would seem that ALL parties involved were gang members but his write up somehow seems to take the attention away from this piece of information and instead focuses it on the black gang members that were involved.

Honestly, you will hardly hear me beating the racial inequality, conspiracy theory drum but this time I felt it necessary.

My thoughts, feelings and prayers go out to Mr and Mrs Pearton.

Natalie Fiawoo ® Blogging on the go

Thoughts...

Only when a woman stops trying to be a man will she fully appreciate how powerful she actually is.

Lessons.

So I should be responsible for your reputation?
Correcting the views of those that see something other than what you believe they should.
Not fully acknowledging that life has an impact on everyone and so, apparently, your excuses and explanations should disrespectfully, frustratingly be…
Enough
Lesson #1 – First impressions are lasting.
Remember this because your loosely flung accusations will only reach so far.
At some point all your bridges will be burned and you will be left to try and balance on the ridges of fallen river banks that sit underneath grey clouds.
Slip sliding into the never ending cycle of blame, self-pity and annoyance.
You did not look outside of your own, mostly self-created, problems and so when a sincere heart shared tragedy you looked on and then turned away.
Back to you.
Always back to you.
I wish you the best but will not be accused of creating your issues, simply because you suffer from paranoia.
Lesson #2 – You will only succeed as far as you are prepared to run.
Don’t worry… you are not the only one learning lessons.
I made mistakes too.
My lesson? In business, use grey logic, rather than a purple heart.

Irony

In our struggle to become the individual
We have become identical.
Robots controlled by our masters.
Feigning independence in anger whilst hoping to be noticed.

For You

The Amazing Eric Roberson and the Lovely Algebra Blessett Iluvu2much

Body Beautiful?

Hi All,

First off, I would like to say a huge THANK YOU to those of you that take the time to read my randomness.

It is appreciated and humbling.

I have been trying to start/maintain a second blog but have not been as dedicated and so haven't really shared it officially.

After 3 false starts I have finally decided to start being a bit more serious about it.

Please have a read, share with your friends and comment, share and suggest.

Thank you
Nat

http://toofatforwellies.blogspot.com

Woman...

I am not a game.
Nor am I a conquest.
My sensibilities are not a toy for your confused ego.
I am a woman.
I am stronger than you will ever be but I allow myself to be weak enough to serve you properly.
If you break me then you will have ruined what is beautiful about me and I will be of no use to you.
I will give you everything that you require of me.
Possibly more than you realised you needed.
Just allow me to Love you with honesty.
God designed me to live in contented submission but he also designed you to protect and lead me rather than to control and scare me.
Just be who you were created to be.
So that I can do my job properly.

Natalie Fiawoo ® Blogging on the go...

Ponderings.

Over the years I have witnessed many attempt to stand in my shoes.
Some entered on their own arrogance but others you sat next to me.
Maybe you were clear on the nature of things but they still had their own plan.
So, now I ask myself.
Why do I find it so difficult to do the same?

Reflecting Pool.

On Monday I returned from a week in the amazing city of Douala, Cameroon and I fell in Love.
I am definitely one to miss everything and everyone that I hold dear in England but this time something felt different. 5 days in, I was asked whether I was ready to go home and my answer was an immediate "No". I had hardly even thought about anything outside of the task in hand and I felt very good for it.

I have been to Africa before (Ghana) and honestly had no idea that I would return to the continent and not want to leave.
The previous times that I had visited I was under the control of my parents and the trips were mostly about reconnecting with family. This time, though, it was all about business.
I was a grown up woman, in frickin Africa, working in a semi-glamorous capacity and I often found myself hypothesising about what my life could/would be if this was my permanent place of residence.
After a series of amazing experiences and successful meetings it looks like the possibility of visiting on a more regular basis could become my reality and I am humbled and grateful.

I have come back with a new energy, a stronger desire and feeling very blessed. I am in a very positive space and I realise just how trivial some of the things that I allow to trouble my spirit are.
If something or someone isn't able to contribute to my happiness then why exactly am I allowing them my time or energy? I either have to limit it or eliminate them.

Africa = A-Mazing. Frikin amazing.

I will take some time over the weekend to post up some pictures and narrative about our (I went with the beautiful Nadine Charles) time there.

Natx

I wonder...

... are you still connected to me?

Words

Eyes scan curiously but I am unsure exactly what they seek.
Amusement and intrigue metered out equally.
My observations are not sprinkled with the negative but words and actions do contradict.
No denying it.
Self-imposed rules forgotten as I remember words uttered in what seems like a past life.
I am looking for the message but wish you would just tell me.
Usually discomfort plagues when my story is spoken through another’s lips but this time was different.
Eye contact consistent.
I wonder if fear imprisons the words of desire that are mixed with indecision?
I never want you to search for what you think I want to hear.
Goodness knows that I have endured more than my fair share of this, at the mouths of men wanting to impress.
I just want you to open up and…
Speak to me.
Please.

Fairy tales.

When she stopped trying to be all that he needed.
She looked around.
Put her ear to the ground and waited for the echo.
There was none.
The sound of missed time was replaced by his laughter with others.
His journey to fill the "she shaped" gaps was clearly fruitful.
She asked herself over and over again.
"Why do I want to share so much of my life with a man who would easily, maybe preferably share his with others"
He was her reflex.
When she heard about something he would enjoy, she would suggest attendance.
When she wanted quiet time, his was the energy she leaned towards.
Family events, friends parties.
Tables turned and he lived a life without her.
Pictures that reaffirmed her absence.
She tried to hold onto those empty images to make her strong enough to walk away but she missed him too much, kept reaching for something she'd never touch. Love merged into Lust and back.
Ipod on repeat, the same two tracks.
He assumed she always spoke her mind but could not begin to fathom just how much silence she carried around with her.
Secrets he would never openly tell her.
So she looked for them in his semi dilated pupils.
She would never call him a liar but knew he lived a life he would forever keep from her.
So she muted her heartbreak, dusted of her grazed knees and carried on.
Tucking pain in her back pocket, walking tall and being strong.

Natalie Fiawoo ® Blogging on the go...

Fetish?

So, something that was said to me this week has me thinking...
When does the line of preference tip over into the land of fetish?

For those of you that have seen what I look like, you will already know that I am a plus size. Some may even secretly think me fat or some may just see “curvy”, either way, it is what I am.

Now obviously, a man who is appreciative of my lumps and bumps is clearly a desirable as it means that he will not look longingly at those of a slimmer, smaller disposition whilst simultaneously trying to slip, not Rohypnol but diet pills into my banana and chocolate milkshake. As is a man who has never tried a bigger sized girl but realises, upon further exploration, that he actually enjoyed a supersized, well, everything really.

But...

When does that preference stop being a preference and become some kind of obsession?
Isn’t a man, who seeks out women with that all important “bubbly personality”, the same as a man who seeks out large breasts or a big arse or a woman with piercings or tattoos? And don’t we criticise those men for objectifying women?

When does a preference become a necessity and possibly a perversion?

I wonder if there is something wrong with me for feeling slightly uncomfortable with a man that doesn’t simply appreciate the type of woman that looks like me but makes it his mission to seek out these women. To me, it feels like it is all about the sexual gratification and lust. Which is definitely ok, if that’s all you are both looking for.

But, would that be the correct kind of grounding for strong, long term relationship? What if I suddenly lost a lot of weight? Would result in him no longer being attracted to me?

I have always maintained that while I do want a man to enjoy the way that I look, I would prefer him to be turned on by the wonders of my mind and the open-ness of my heart.
I feel like that kind of attraction is what breeds longer lasting love which goes beyond the outer and creates a bond and connection that becomes much harder to break as a result of the fickle.

Thoughts?

Photoparty

I feel the separation of lives in the refusal of growth.
I am assigned the same old same old whilst being deliberately excluded from the new.
Even if the new crosses paths with my life, my endeavours.
Separate is my lot.
I want to breathe 'fuck you' and walk away but will no longer allow myself to be ruled by those emotions.
So I smile an 'ok'.
Push embarrassment and pain to the side in the hopes that the wind blows it away.
Lessons.
Learned.
Swallowed.
Digested.
Nothing really matters, nor does it change. Just fades into a new hue.
Routine creates habit.
So I will maintain until its true.

Natalie Fiawoo ® Blogging on the go...

Spotlight on Soul #1

He hit the spotlight in the late 60’s early 70’s carrying an already impressive background story.
With a scholarship in fine arts, he studied music at Howard University leaving before completing his degree and straight away began working at various different lables on projects for people like The Staple Singers, Aretha Franklin, Curtis Mayfield and Roberta Flack.
He first recorded as a solo artist in 1970 with ‘Everything is Everything’, after that came a self titled album.
Work came thick, fast and steady with his final studio album being recorded in 1973, entitled ‘Extension of a Man’.
In 1978 he died suddenly but his sound and emotion lives on through tracks like ‘A song for you’ ‘This Christmas’, The Closer I get to you’ (Duet with Roberta Flack) and ‘Someday, we’ll all be free’.

Below, is a live audio version of my favourite song by this artist.
The orchestral sound, mixes with raw, fierce feeling and always takes me on an emotional journey, reminding me just how much music can control.

Giving up by Donny Hathaway

Still Life #2

Birthday Blessings

So, as the picture shows, I recently turned 30. I had a full 3-4 days of excitement and so I just wanted to thank all of those that were a part of that... Ok... here goes.

On the evening night of my birthday I had a dinner at a lovely Malay (my fav food) restaurant.

I would like to thank the following for coming.

Daddy
Mum
Denise, Mia, Danae and Raiyah
Aunty Paulette
Angelo
Amanda
Chanelle
Obenewa
Dionne
Bassey
Nancy
Ayesha - Special thanks for my lovely cake...
Terrie - Thank you for helping to arrange it all.




I also hit the town on saturday night, I got ill on friday (self inflicted I think) so was not at my best, I didn't stay for very long but would like to thank the following for helping me to have a fun time.

Nads
Amanda
Becks
Petey Pete
Daaaavid

Finally... I was caught off guard with a Surprise Birthday party on the sunday (trickery and lies, trickery and lies) thank you to

Terri, Trissy and Lucas
Tshaka, Lux and Silon
Amanda
Nads
Carol
Aks
Annette
Dionne - Special thanks for leading the sing song's
Bassey (laaaate)
Adrian
White Boy Stu

Additional special thanks for Amanda for being at all 3 of my birthday thingy's... and to my big sis for helping with the organising. It was very humbling.

Now, for some of you that were there and may be reading this, you will have noticed that I have left one person off... That is because I wanted to give them a special thank you.

Yomi-Bear-Sode, thank you so much for taking the time to give me an amazing experience and letting me ride the moped after 3 years od begging, bugging and subliminals. Also, thank you for not smacking me upside the head for stressing you out with my emotional/organisational issues. You are a sweetheart and I Love you.

Sods Law.

My honesty has led to your silence.
Just when I needed your melodies the most.
You wish for everything but me.
Even though I always choose you.
Nothing more that I can say.

Goodnight.

Natalie Fiawoo ® Blogging on the go...

Still Life #1

Natalie Fiawoo ® Blogging on the go...

Split.

I don't know how to be what you want, without being what I need.
Natalie Fiawoo ® Blogging on the go...

Truth?

Natalie Fiawoo ® Blogging on the go...

Hurt

Sent using BlackBerry® from Orange

Truth...

Courtesy of Matthew Peltier

Ponderings..

I don't wear make up to work, to the shops, to a friends house or on long plane/car/train journeys.
I wear minimal make up when going to dinner/movies/shows/events and only wear light "full" make up when going out out.
I wonder.
Does that mean that I'm less superficial, comfortable in my skin and prepared for the world to see who I really am.
Or
Lazy and less interested in my appearance?

Answers on a postcard.


Natalie Fiawoo ® Blogging on the go...

Breathe.

Make Love to me.
Allow ice cold fingertips to scorch my skin.
Make me molten.
Lava.
Do it slowly.
Deeply.
Fiercely.
Kiss my lower back.
Remind me that you are in control of the very base of me.
Let strong arms hold me tightly as strong hands remove tense fears from me.
Leave no piece untouched, unaffected.
Cradle my curiosity with the soft whisper of assurance.
Let it be real.
Honest
True.

Natalie Fiawoo ® Blogging on the go...

Pain?

Natalie Fiawoo ® Blogging on the go...

Curiosity

Open me up why don't you.
Turn me inside out so that you can poke unwashed fingertips at the parts of me you seek to understand.

Natalie Fiawoo ® Blogging on the go...

*cringe*

No prizes for guessing the nationality of the owner...

Natalie Fiawoo ® Blogging on the go...

Mixed emotions.

She was small enough for him to carry.
I had never experienced that and knew that I never would.

Natalie Fiawoo ® Blogging on the go...

Simple math

Boys + Bumper cars = Bruising.

Natalie Fiawoo ® Blogging on the go...

Toilet talk #1

Natalie Fiawoo ® Blogging on the go...

Why are you here?

You ever have one of those mornings where you wake up and feel unfulfilled?

I don’t if I am having a ‘moment’ because of my impending birthday or whether I am truly changing again as a person but I am unfulfilled.

Right now, there are so many holes in my life that the light is flooding in preventing me from sleeping.
I want to be happy with my lot and, to be honest, most days I am, but there are also these kinds of days.
The kinds of days where I am questioning everything and every one that is present in my life.

When I have these kinds of days I tend to pull back from everyone as I have a tendency to ask questions and make statements that hurt feelings and potentially do damage.
I have learnt that people don’t tend to like it when you say something that results in them having to examine themselves and for the most part, rather than learn from the experience (as I always try to) a lot of people will just allow a wall to be built as they “feel bad” and .

So, I will ask in a general sense.

Why are you in my life?
What is it that you take from me and what do you leave behind in return?
When you examine these reasons do you feel content or ashamed?

Leather bound.

He allows my insecurities to mark his skin.
Never reacting in a way that makes me ashamed.
If I am unhinged he holds me, protectively whilst my eccentricities flood our space.
I can share knee jerk reactions and he never looks at me oddly.
No matter how fiercely we may fight, he never holds onto the echos.
Damage is always repairable and if it isn't he will simply adjust and move forward.
He doesn't judge me.
Ever.
But that is because he knows me better than anyone.
My journal knows me the best.

Natalie Fiawoo ® Blogging on the go...

Unrequited

Natalie Fiawoo ® Blogging on the go...

New-ness.

So many things bubbling around.
Excitement meets apprehension as I am enter yet another new phase of my life.
I am seeing and feelings things differently.
Almost as though I'm learning all over again. Maybe adding layers but possibly shedding them.
I am still unsure.
Uncertainty is prevalent as my eyes flick flicker over
Every
Single
Little
Thing.
The kisses and kicks.
Each one play a role that's specific.
My senses flare in gratitude.
Thank you.

Natalie Fiawoo ® Blogging on the go...

IHop.

Just over 2 years of silence.
2 years interrupted by the vibrations and bells of an incoming email.
I remember the last time contact was made.
I referenced the sarcastic pride your mother would feel at how you spat all over my family and grandfather.
Poking at the pain of his passing with wide eyed hunger.
You scarred my skin with taunts of "fat" and "ugly"
Laughing callously.
Now.
Now you beg for forgiveness?
Attempting to send your heart through yahoo.
Wondering if I still think of you.
Whether the memories once created were enough to keep a small tea light floating brightly in the lilly pond of my soul.
In this instant.
I struggle to remember anything past the threats of violence.
The mental and emotional abuse.
Your issues being branded all over me.
You tried to break me and in truth you almost succeeded.
I thank God that a better example carried my burdens for a while.

Natalie Fiawoo ® Blogging on the go...

Sorry

I will never completely believe that I am deserving and as a result of this
I may anger and frustrate you.
I may push you to your limits.
I may create ripples of fire to course through your usually calm waters.
That you will still want to look me in the eyes is all I can hope for.
Because
Right there, in the centre of that mysterious darkness
You will see that I am truly humbled and infinitely appreciative
And you will understand that I am trying, that I am learning and that I am willing

Touch me.
I guarantee that the stories your fingertips read will be the kind you want to revisit over and over again.
They will be the kinds of tales you will want to retell.

Natalie Fiawoo ® Blogging on the go...

Tales.

Natalie Fiawoo ® Blogging on the go...

Sceptically me.

Sometimes I wonder whether a piece of you has climbed inside my mind.
It is both scary and exciting.
I struggle to figure out whether this is a sign of something more ultimately pulling back because of the fear of misunderstanding.
Are we really THAT connected?
She said that I underestimate just how much of you is mine.
I am still uncertain.

Natalie Fiawoo ® Blogging on the go...

Torn

I am torn.
Torn between the saying and the doing as they no longer walk in harmony.
Icicles are beginning to populate the space underneath my left breast.
The roller coaster that never seems to rest.
Confusion infects.
Torn.
Wishing I had the answers and that they only played on level ground always within reach and visible instead of playing 'hide and seek' in a forrest perched haphazardly two thirds up a lonely mountain.
Like a child lost in its own make believe.
I want to point my finger and blame you because, after all
You said You did You asked
But I no longer have the energy.
My insecurities have silenced me.
I sit crossed legged at this crossed road crossing my fingers as I ponder my next move.
Wondering whether deep down, in the depths of everything that you are, it would even make a difference whether I went left or right.
Am I fighting for a worthy and noble cause or am I simply punching a gossamer sack only half filled with the illusions of war.
Reflections of grandeur.
Torn.

Itch = Scratch

It itches so we scratch it
Breathing deep and closing eyes as the action results in a strange relief
Ignoring the knowing that once we stop scratching the likelihood of the itch returning will be multiplied.
Multiplied
Multiplied
As if on a schedule...
Our old friend is back
And...
So we scratch again.
Turning our eyes away from reddening skin
Rationalising the long term damage we will no doubt make.
And when we've finally exhausted the option and have ruined ourselves permanently we cast a regretful eye fully knowing we would repeat the action without remorse

Natalie Fiawoo ® Blogging on the go...

Man...

I thought some black girls had the cheek to wander around with jacked up weaves until I started to see so many uneducated white girls with theirs...


Natalie Fiawoo ® Blogging on the go...

Love

Is?
Could be?
Maybe...
In my dreams all is settled.
I no longer feel frustration rise or fall with the moon and I am confident in my knowledge that hearts do beat for me.
In my dreams I look deep into dark eyes and no longer see pools of distance, walls of separation or shadows of lost attraction.
Communication is double sided.
Affection is second nature.
Love?
It is the soft and comforting, innocent presence of a teddy bear.
In my dreams at least.

Natalie Fiawoo ® Blogging on the go...

I'm thinking...

... That you're gonna have to get yourself a new bag because this one is happy with me...

Natalie Fiawoo ® Blogging on the go...

Merry Go 'round.

I wonder if you realise what it does to me...
The fear of knowing that any overt display of emotion results in deeper tunnels being forged.
Colder exteriors being built.
Standing on the periphery...I wait.
Having learnt to ride the wave I tense myself for the inevitable burst and swell.
The marks I cover well.
Emotionally turned over by the fear.
Because I already know what it will bring.
Apparently you believe that to show emotion is something to be ashamed of because apparently it is a sign of weakness but shutting out those that love you is apparently a strength.

Natalie Fiawoo ® Blogging on the go...

I wish I had written this...

Ellie Goulding - Ellie Goulding 'The Writer' on MUZU.

The Writer By Ellie Goulding

You wait for a silence
I wait for a word
Lie next to your frame
Girl unobserved
You change your position
And you are changing me
Casting these shadows
Where they shouldn't be

We're interrupted by the heat of the sun
Trying to prevent what's already begun
You're just a body
I can smell your skin
And when I feel it, you're wearing thin

But I've got a plan
Why don't you be the artist; and make me out of clay?
Why don't you be the writer and decide the words I say?
Because I'd rather pretend
I'll still be there at the end
Only it's too hard to ask... won't you try to help me

Sat on your sofa...it's all broken springs
This isn't the place for those violin strings
I try out a smile and I aim it at you
You must have missed it
You always do

But I've got a plan
Why don't you be the artist; and make me out of clay?
Why don't you be the writer and decide the words I say?
Because I'd rather pretend
I'll still be there at the end
Only it's too hard to ask... won't you try to help me

You wait, I wait, casting shadows, interrupted
You wait, I wait, casting shadows, interrupted
You wait, I wait, casting shadows, interrupted
You wait, I wait, casting shadows

Why don't you be the artist; and make me out of clay?
Why don't you be the writer and decide the words I say?
Because I'd rather pretend
I'll still be there at the end
Only it's too hard to ask... won't you try to help me

Why don't you be the artist; and make me out of clay?
Why don't you be the writer and decide the words I say?
Because I'd rather pretend
I'll still be there at the end
Only it's too hard to ask... won't you try to help me

Ramble

Sad contemplations swallow the comforting seat of the familiar.
A lot can happen in the space of 4, almost 5, days.
Minds search for the truth and hearts feel around in the dark.
I am a little bit empty now.
Patterns that should have become something different are still just as repetitive and I fear that lessons will never be learnt.
Weary from the palaver of it all.
Month, after month, after month of the same.
Situations ensnared in the domino effect.
Overlapping contradictory stories that still result in the very same birds eye view.
Disappointment.
Lots of it.
Lots
Of it.

Natalie Fiawoo ® Blogging on the go...

Travelling.

The silence always comes when I want the noise the most.

Natalie Fiawoo ® Blogging on the go...

And don't I know it...

Natalie Fiawoo ® Blogging on the go...

Lone Living Epiphany 3

Sometimes...
It gets very lonely.

Natalie Fiawoo ® Blogging on the go...

Lessons?

Natalie Fiawoo ® Blogging on the go...

Lone Living Epiphany 2

No one will judge you when you're too tired to cream your skin after having a bath.

Natalie Fiawoo ® Blogging on the go...

Ouch.

My lower back hurts.
Still!
Word of advice...
Never EVER listen to boys when they try to tell you that spinning around whilst Ice Skating is a good idea.
It really isn't and will always end badly.
KMT.

Natalie Fiawoo ® Blogging on the go...

Seconds...

An unintentional flinch and my eyes flicker with recognition.
You see, even though I know that it is something you would never ever do.
He did
And so when you raised the book in jest memories clouded my judgement just for a second.
Strange that the fear came flooding back as my senses became overloaded with flashes of the way it would have played out.
Were it him.
I fought to keep smiling for you but it was hard.
I wonder whether you noticed.
Wonder whether you saw the grey cloud, cloud the smile in my eyes, whether you saw my throat heave as I fought not to cry because there really was no reason to feel that way.
My guard faltered and the years of first hiding the marks and then hiding the broken part of my heart and then the attempts at erasing the past and making a fresh start became blurred and strange.
Please, don't be offended, I know that you would never raise a book or fist in anger...
And I hope that this will be taken for what it is and not result in you "being mindful"
My past just infected my future for that small amount of time that it took to swallow it back.
And I did swallow it back.
I am in a very vulnerable place right now.
Tired.
Hurt.
Emotional.
Confused.
So please, understand that it isn't you.
You see, I know that it is something you would never ever do.


Natalie Fiawoo ® Blogging on the go...

Life...

Natalie Fiawoo ® Blogging on the go...

Tomorrow?

I heard that you're settled down,
That you found a girl and you're married now,
I heard that your dreams came true,
Guess she gave you things I didn't give to you,
Old friend, why are you so shy?
Ain't like you to hold back or hide from the light,

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited,
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it,
I had hoped you'd see my face,
And that you'd be reminded that for me it isn't over,

Never mind, I'll find someone like you,
I wish nothing but the best for you, too,
Don't forget me, I beg,
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love,
But sometimes it hurts instead,"
Sometimes it lasts in love,
But sometimes it hurts instead, yeah,

You know how the time flies,
Only yesterday was the time of our lives,
We were born and raised in a summer haze,
Bound by the surprise of our glory days,

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited,
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it,
I had hoped you'd see my face,
And that you'd be reminded that for me it isn't over,

Never mind, I'll find someone like you,
I wish nothing but the best for you, too,
Don't forget me, I beg,
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love,
But sometimes it hurts instead,"

Nothing compares,
No worries or cares,
Regrets and mistakes, they're memories made,
Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?

Nevermind, I'll find someone like you,
I wish nothing but the best for you,
Don't forget me, I beg,
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love,
But sometimes it hurts instead,"

Nevermind, I'll find someone like you,
I wish nothing but the best for you, too,
Don't forget me, I beg,
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love,
But sometimes it hurts instead,"
Sometimes it lasts in love,
But sometimes it hurts instead.

Adele - Someone Like You

Once upon a time.

I quit.
The end.

Natalie Fiawoo ® Blogging on the go...

Red.

Heart and body ache.
Both wanting to be touched.
Intimacy lost.
I don't mean to but I mark the days.
Permanent marker darkens the calendar that sits in my minds eye.
Counting quietly.
Goodbye whispers.
Untold stories of secrets.
I ache red.

Natalie Fiawoo ® Blogging on the go...

Cupcakes and Spiderwebs.

Though she remains silent she knows.
The fickle light shining on grey mornings that mist over with illusions of apparent commitment.
The cake that was eaten repeatedly miraculously regenerates.
Sometimes taking on different flavours, sizes and textures.
She cannot compete with this and as the sparkle of defiance glints dangerously in her eyes she decides that she will not.
Something was always missing from her ingredients when it came to what he preferred his deserts to taste of and she spent the years searching a fruitless search for this unobtainable, almost impossible flavouring.
Worms. That what the elder folk referred to it as.
This unexplainable hunger that can never fulfilled.
The carrier always searching, always feasting, always casting wandering eyes over the type that she isn't/wasn't/never will be.
At night she cried.
Silent sobs shook her body for she was broken.
Seeking desperately for a means to locate all of the missing pieces and put herself back together.
She had found all but one of them.
The most precious.
She wondered what he was doing with it, uncertain of its safety.
Her mind ticked over thoughts of where it was placed.
At the bottom of some forgotten, dusty, spider web infested draw or whether it took pride of place in his glass cabinet.
In truth she was scared of the answer.

Natalie Fiawoo ® Blogging on the go...

Lone Living Epiphany 1

Bra's and knickers are just like shoes.
Neither has any place indoors.
They are to be removed on returning home and only to be put back on again when exiting...

Natalie Fiawoo ® Blogging on the go...

Conversations with a 9 year old

So... for my eldest niece Mia's 9th birthday in november I said that I would get her a guitar. I then had to wait for her to decide what type she wanted. All went quiet on the guitar front so I assumed she had moved on to a new desire and I would hear about it soon enough...
Today, I got a phone call...

*ring ring ring ring*
Aunty natalie - Hello?
Mia - Hello Aunty Natalie
AN - Hey Baby Girl, you Ok?
M - I've made a decision
AN - Oh Ok... Well... what is your decision? *confused*
M - I want and acoustic not and electric
AN - Oh Ok... and do you want and adult one or a kids one?
M - Erm... How big do the adult ones go?
AN - Have a look at the one that is in my room behind the wardrobe
M - Oh... that one looks a bit too big so I think I better have a kiddy one
AN - Ok, and what colour do you want it in?
M - Ermmm... I think maybe pink and black or pink and purple
AN - Well, we might be able to get you an all pink one or an all black one but maybe not one that is both
M - Ok, thats fine, what about the pick?
AN - What about it?
M - Will I be able to pick which colour I want for that?
AN - Yes Mia, you will. RIght, we will have a talk later about when we will go and get it. Ok?
M - Yes ok.
AN - Bye Mia
M - Love you
AN - Love you too.
*hang up*

Man, I Love that girl... she is a nutter but so freakin' adoreable

...

Just keep it to yourself Natalie.
Swallow the sting and learn the lesson.

Natalie Fiawoo ® Blogging on the go...

Scales.

I just want balance.
For the ups and downs to be equal.
Want the book that history is written in to move one leaf at a time.
For my mirror to show more than an eroded vision of mis-spelt words and unsung phrases.
Will accept 'I Hate You" as long as "I Love You" echoes with the same reckless passion.
Balance.
Let me see pride just as much as I see embarrassed avoidance.
Admiration standing side by side with resentment.
Hunger and desire to walk hand in hand with repulsion.
I can take the bad just give the good in equal measure so that I don't have to play knock down ginger with contentment.
So that I no longer have to pretend that one doesn't outweigh the other.

Natalie Fiawoo ® Blogging on the go...

Interwoven

Passions that ebbed have now returned causing desires hot swell to flow through my body.
I once again imagine the darkness of your skin glistening against a moonlit back drop.
I am lost in fluttered lid explorations of the way you dipped slowly inside my soul, fighting for the deepest possible point.
Wings become scratched and damaged as reflex supersedes thought.
I am lost in this.
Do what you do.
I will not question or resist.
Breathless journeys continue down a narrow and sometimes winding path, causing a slight tilt in direction but it seems as though these left to right deviations create a more memorable experience.
I know you prefer to control timing so from my birds eye vantage point I will maintain eye contact as your hands lead me.
Switch around.
Hold tight with the odd show of force as my hair becomes a means for you to maintain balance.
Scratch
Slap
Bite
Spit
Whatever
Let me sing you a song.
My lips become full of your stories as I play what your heartbeat dictates, using my tongue and teeth to change the tone and melody.
Journey over beige coloured mountains displaying their brown peaks that appear flecked in pink.
Let me sing you a song.
Learn me.
Exposed but not fearing it.
I do not want to hide any part of me from you so watch me.
I don’t mind.

Obenewa - Once Upon A Time

Once upon a time in London,there lived a girl who played her guitar and sang songs to her heart's content.
Music was her first love,but she was longing to be in love.

One day under the moonlit sky she met a guy who she thought would be her happily ever after ...

the story unfolds.
Join singer, songwriter and multi-instrumentalist Obenewa for an evening of acoustic tales live at the Tabernacle.

Date: Feb 27th 2011
Venue: Tabernacle
Powis Square
London, W11 2AY
Tickets: £8 Adv, £10 Door
Doors Open: 19:00
Show Starts: 19:30

To Book your advanced tkts - http://www.tabernaclew11.com/whats-on/gigdetails/27-feb-11-obenewa--once-upon-a-time-tabernacle/
http://www.obenewa.com

Truth...

Whenever Wherever Whatever - Maxwell

DS 1.

Why is it perfectly acceptable to say Caucasian but not ok to say Negroid?

Natalie Fiawoo ® Blogging on the go...

Shadows

I am under no illusion as to why you don't want to be here for I barely wish it upon myself.
Grey is the colour of the times only you wear it so well but for me? It sallows my skin and burdens my soul.
Still I wonder...
What is it about me that repels you so?
That makes you only want to get *this* close before retreating and leaving me alone.
Perhaps, deep down, I already know.

S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

And suddenly...

My life changed.

S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

I could...

I wish it was me.
Having to watch from the sidelines is breaking me.

S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

...

It felt natural.
No pretence, no false assertions... though there was definitely some fear.
Cream carpets footprinted in gold with crimson lipstick smudges.
The moment was all that mattered but now I find myself wondering.
what of tomorrow...
Are moments only meant to be temporary or will they now result in lasting fairy tales?
I
Am
Afraid.
Yet peaceful at the same time.
Wish I could climb inside hidden minds and understand thoughts.
Or create openings in chests to read the Morse code trapped within heartbeats.
But also understanding that what will be is all that is real.
Silence fills my stomach as I don't want to say more than what is comfortable.
Rocking the boat is never intentional.
Just don't want to live my love being forgettable.

No do-overs.

Precious time slips away but still we abandon each other over foolishness.
I am not there when I'm meant to be and you are not here when you are needed to be.
Missing "moments" because we are both lost, scared, confused, angry,hurt and uncomfortable.
Forgetting that our stories were written in alignment for a reason but rather wasting the blessings that we can never re-do.
While we claim to feel perfect emotion.

S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

T minus 6.

Time draws ever closer.
I watch quietly.
Observing what your move will be and understanding that it will change us forever.

Natalie Fiawoo ® Blogging on the go...

Your thoughts?

Today's Metro had an article about the salt content in "Afro-Caribbean" food.

Here's the table that was printed detailing the food against the salt equivalent in X amount packets of crisps...

Not sure what "maize and cassava ball" is but your thoughts are welcome...

Natalie Fiawoo ® Blogging on the go...

Sibling 2

I am.
A lot more like my baby sister than I had ever thought.
Damn...

Natalie Fiawoo ® Blogging on the go...

Copycat.

I wonder if you realise that your words about her also spoke to me?
Placed me in a reflective state that pushed me.
Causing me to stumble closer to my own reality.
For I see the similarity.
The cold harsh truth shining its unfeeling light.
A lesson for someone else that taught me.

Natalie Fiawoo ® Blogging on the go...

Lessons

Never never never tell someone how you feel when they do not want you to feel because all you will be met with is silence.
All you will be left with is pain.

Natalie Fiawoo ® Blogging on the go...

Chapter 3.

Last night.
Tossing
Turning.
Deciding.
Learning.
Today?
My secrets will remain that way, secret.
Precious only to me.
Too heavy for you to carry.
I must carry them alone but am totally prepared to.
New chapters are always hard to start but are needed to reach the end of the tale.

Natalie Fiawoo ® Blogging on the go...

Hidden.

My eyes hold sadness hostage.
Look close enough and you will see the metals bars that trap their prisoner.

Natalie Fiawoo ® Blogging on the go...

Loose leaf.

I am that first bit of paper in a notepad.
Looked over, forgotten about.
Stuck to the front cover, I will always be connected to the story it will hold but will never quite be good or necessary enough for emotions ink to stain my willing and ready canvas.

Natalie Fiawoo ® Blogging on the go...

Journey Planner

"I have always known I would take this path, but yesterday I did not know it would be today."
-Narihira

Thank you for the quote YB... Gave me a little perspective.

Natalie Fiawoo ® Blogging on the go...

Blah

Today is definitely one of those days where chocolate, cake, fizzy drinks sweets, ice cream and lots of hugs are the only things that will do...


Natalie Fiawoo ® Blogging on the go...

Love, Life and Friendships.

Natalie Fiawoo ® Blogging on the go...

Dream

Last night I had a dream.
I dreamed of laughter, of truth, of you.
I dreamt of love.
In my dream you touched me.
Slow circular motions with your fingers stirring circles into the pit of my stomach.
And when the time was right you penetrated my being and touched me heart seamlessly.
My soul became putty in your hands quickly.
Eyes, lips, legs locked and a connection was forged easily.
Tears flowed unashamedly.
Stars sprinkled stories of tomorrow, writing "us" in fairy dust.
Only
When tomorrow came it brought reality with it.
Reminding me that the future was in fact the past.
I was alone in my bed.
Slowly fading remnants of your scent.
Cold creeping over the once warm pillow.
Reminding me that your eyes burned black each time they found me.

Natalie Fiawoo ® Blogging on the go...

I am

A stupid girl.
With stupid dreams.
Stupid hopes.


Natalie Fiawoo ® Blogging on the go...

Sunday.

Everyday my mind reels in attempt to find away to change the path to tomorrow.
I wish you understood that.
I guess too much damage has been done.
I apologise.

Natalie Fiawoo ® Blogging on the go...

Antonym

Common qualities seem so few and far between now.
What was once shared disappearing as ash in a slow breeze.
After growing together we have seemingly grown apart.
Well...
If nothing else.
Maybe I can still provide a safe haven where you can be yourself, get some much needed rest, gain satisfaction in home cooked nourishment and have the desires of your flesh quelled in the most fulfilling way...


Natalie Fiawoo ® Blogging on the go...

Searching

"It's hard to believe this time, hard to believe that my heart.
My heart's and open door.
You've got all you came for baby.
So be real.
Someone to Love is bigger than your pride's worth.
It's bigger than the pain you got for all it hurts.
It outruns all of the sadness.
It's terrifying light to the darkness.
And I'd do it all again"

- 'I'd do it all again', Corinne Bailey Rae.
Natalie Fiawoo ® Blogging on the go...

...

...at least through tears the hard world becomes blurry and soft...
Pain melting into an indistinct compilation of pretty colours
If only for a moment...

Natalie Fiawoo ® Blogging on the go...

Gut punch.

If you have something to say, how about you just say it instead of throwing little comments around and then stepping back after you've hurt me.


Natalie Fiawoo ® Blogging on the go...

GREEdS + Remedies + CLOSE up = No words needed...

http://www.iamgreeds.com/
http://twitter.com/iamgreeds
http://www.youtube.com/greedstv

Night talk

Thank you.
I know it is late and that there are a million and one other things you could be doing but
Thank you.
It has been an age since we caught up like that and in truth my soul needed it.
A mini rollercoaster indeed but isn't that the route life takes anyway?
Thank you.
Maybe we need to schedule an all night marathon.
No luggage, no frozen emotions just pure reason and honesty.
What do you think?

Natalie Fiawoo ® Blogging on the go...

Blue

I find sadness in places that I have no right to and it makes me ashamed.


Natalie Fiawoo ® Blogging on the go...

Stop, breathe and ask...

I am going through some major changes at the moment.

They cover my life in it's entirety and while I am excited I am also very scared.

It is also turning out to be a solo journey but I am hopeful that at some point I will look back and simply feel that proud sense of achievement.

Self sufficient is something that I have always been but over the years I have learnt, mostly the hard way, how much it alienates. Myself from others and vice versa.

After a while, people start to forget about you and your struggles and just make the assumption that you are alright because, "well, it's Natalie, she's always alright".
This has created a vicious circle where I become much more fierce in my self sufficiency which further pushes people away.

Now this may stem from trust issues, dependency issues or simply my mums habit of doing something yourself if you want it done right.

Well people, I am tired.

I don't want to be, as my grandma so harshly put it "one of those career women" as I am a woman, with all of the natural, normal womanly needs.

Having a conversation with a male friend of mine the other day and one of the things we discussed was how difficult us as both men and woman find admitting that we were designed to be part of a 2 person team, a partnership, a unit.

God created men to be the Boss and for us as women to be his Assistant.
Executive Assistant, I might add.
When you look at that in the business terms, the Boss cannot function without his Assistant and the Assistant has no job without their Boss.

Right.... I have absolutely no idea where I was heading with this, but as the little caption under my blog title clearly states, these are my random ramblings...

I have a few things that I am working on in 2011. One of which is my long suffering, on off relationship with my book... yeah, the one that started as one and has now become 3...

Lets see how it all pans out and hopefully, I will stop, breathe and ask for the help that we all sometimes need in life.

Natxx

Fat.

I want cake...
And a banana and chocolate milkshake...
*sigh*
Natalie Fiawoo ® Blogging on the go...

Streams of tears

Today I cried.
Allowed weakness to fully flood my being just so that I could start heading towards being better.
Needing to allow every piece of pain, frustration, lethargy, confusion, anger out.
I know that I carry a lot.
I understand that I give whilst surrounded by those that take.
I accept my current inability to trust people too much or to feel safe enough to be weak keeps me in this state somewhat.
Disappointment surrounds me as I am easily forgotten in favour of other things.
And I cried.
Allowed audible sobs to rack my usually strong shoulders, as these boulders have become too heavy for me.
But only temporarily.
Hopefully.
Have lost count of how many times I have been pulled roughly along the same cactus, each time carefully, methodically taking out the needles and preparing to go again.
I will not say that I have never had the support that I give.
Just that the consistency is somewhat shakey.
At some point people tire of it, though I seem to have an endless supply of it.
Maybe I'm glutton for punishment?
Maybe this is why God places me where he does.
Maybe I will always be throwing around 'maybe's in a bid to understand something that I maybe never will.
Crazy, it feels like my urges to comfort others is alien because usually others look on without a strong enough urge to hold me tightly until the sobs subside.
This is why when I cried
I cried alone.
No one around to hear me or watch curiously.
I did not want to feel the sting or embarrassment or abandonment.
In truth I cannot see the point of ease but wait for its impending returning.
Faithfully.

Natalie Fiawoo ® Blogging on the go...

Catch 22

Natalie Fiawoo ® Blogging on the go...

Brainstorm.

I think you hurt my pride just a little bit and made me feel a little unnecessary.
I'll be ok at some point, I'm sure.
xxx


Natalie Fiawoo ® Blogging on the go...

I WANT IT!

I wonder if it comes in Purple...
I will Pee my pants if it comes in Purple

Love it

Natalie Fiawoo ® Blogging on the go...

I guess this is what they call venting...

Words twist and the things I said to you exit you in a completely different order.
My one or two lines become paragraphs full of warnings, lies and fire stoking misconceptions.
Why?
I mean, I could understand if I actually confided in you like that, but let's look at facts...
We have minimal contact, outside of a favour that you asked of me.
In truth, I am amazed.
I mean, maybe you should take my place?
Stand in front of eager ears and manipulate lives with your "gift".
Stupidity must rule, or maybe its the need to be better than he because you actually thought that you would succeed?
Maybe he kept your secrets but I have nothing to hide and therefore expressed the things you had said which in turn resulted in his offer to the conversation.
I think that you must believe me to be as stupid as you... Maybe?
Well... I feel sorry for you.
You have many lessons to learn and there are a few that I will teach.
I just hope you're ready to receive.
Brace yourself now...
Just remember that your brought it on yourself.

Natalie Fiawoo ® Blogging on the go...

Shy guy

He spoke to me with uncomfortable eyes and uncertain body language but forced himself to speak none the less.
It has been so long since anybody was so enamoured by me that it made them nervous.
Made them shift from foot to foot or speak quickly and run off.
I almost forgot that it was possible.
His genuine approval of my mind and body beautiful made me smile.
"I saw you from over there and wanted to come and say hi" he quickly mumbled.
Made me humbled.


Natalie Fiawoo ® Blogging on the go...

Flash back to the future

You are so sexy.
Pupils dilate quickly as lust invades me.
I smile easily.
The thud thud of desire pounds relentlessly.
I focus on focusing but fail miserably.
This must be how it feels when drugs course through red hot blood.
I'm finding myself being more aware of my own body language and trying to cover any moments of the obvious up.
Attempting to reel my mind back, for it was lost long ago.
Tinsel tickles the pit of my stomach creating glittering strings that make me your temporary puppet.
Flash forwards of us.
Lust n' love and loving lust.
I am a willing participant.
My mind slowly peels back your layers revealing a treat at each new tier.
Sometimes sweet.
Sometimes sticky but each just as alluring as the last.
With outstretched arms I allow my fingertips to sink into your scent.
My palms to firmly grab your vulnerability.
My body to play catch up with your soul.
I'm pretty sure that I will never breathe normally again.
At least not when you're next to me.

Natalie Fiawoo ® Blogging on the go...

Life

Life moves on so quickly that I am perplexed as to how I lasted in yours this long and saddened at how quickly I am gone.


Natalie Fiawoo ® Blogging on the go...

Sometimes...

Life makes the decisions for us.
I respect yours.
No hard feelings.
Honest.
*smile*


Natalie Fiawoo ® Blogging on the go...

Square One

Hello my long lost friend.
Passing distant messages from time to time until I was ready to fully reconnect.
Until I had been broken down enough.
Forced to find myself, with sore fingertips in the ashes of burned hopes, memories and dreams.
I guess now we'll make proper time to sit down and converse for I have lots to tell you and I'm sure you have the same for me.
I look forward to it.
I wish I could say that I missed you.
I know you are unaffected by that confession and will hug me warmly as I reluctantly bury my head in the crook of your neck.

Natalie Fiawoo ® Blogging on the go...

...

I had felt that this would happen.
Almost allowed your sugary sweet protests to sway my judgement.
Wanted to believe.
I really wanted to believe.
Savoured the taste for as long as my tongue would allow.
But as day 2 disappears into the mist of time lost.
Unanswered calls, emails and text messages speak a truth my heart had been waiting for.


Natalie Fiawoo ® Blogging on the go...

Beauty..

And I would like to call it beauty,
Strained as Love's become, it still amazes me.
And I would like to call it beauty.
Beauty.
Beauty.

I would like to call it beauty - Corinne Bailey Rae.


Natalie Fiawoo ® Blogging on the go...

New...

I won't go on a long mad one with this message.

Won't post a million and one names of those that I want to thank for the past 365.

You will know the impact you have had on my life as I would have told you.

You will know how much I Love you because I will have told.

The same goes if you have inspired, motivated, made me proud etc.

So to each of you, let's enter the new year/decade with both feet forward and keep walking in the direction our hearts are leading.

Thank you for the things that you have done for me.

Happy New Year.

Natxxx

Natalie Fiawoo ® Blogging on the go...