Seconds...

An unintentional flinch and my eyes flicker with recognition.
You see, even though I know that it is something you would never ever do.
He did
And so when you raised the book in jest memories clouded my judgement just for a second.
Strange that the fear came flooding back as my senses became overloaded with flashes of the way it would have played out.
Were it him.
I fought to keep smiling for you but it was hard.
I wonder whether you noticed.
Wonder whether you saw the grey cloud, cloud the smile in my eyes, whether you saw my throat heave as I fought not to cry because there really was no reason to feel that way.
My guard faltered and the years of first hiding the marks and then hiding the broken part of my heart and then the attempts at erasing the past and making a fresh start became blurred and strange.
Please, don't be offended, I know that you would never raise a book or fist in anger...
And I hope that this will be taken for what it is and not result in you "being mindful"
My past just infected my future for that small amount of time that it took to swallow it back.
And I did swallow it back.
I am in a very vulnerable place right now.
Tired.
Hurt.
Emotional.
Confused.
So please, understand that it isn't you.
You see, I know that it is something you would never ever do.


Natalie Fiawoo ® Blogging on the go...