I didn't realise how much a kiss meant until I didn't have it.
Something about the closeness of soft lips on soft lips made me feel... Connected.
Desired.
Attractive.
A special piece of fondness.
Tenderness.
Endearment.
Specific.
A complete sensory experience.
See the love and affection.
Smell the familiar.
Hear the soft inhale/exhale.
Feel hearts beating in excited contentment.
Taste...
Something about the way it finishes off a passionate embrace or starts a chain reaction in, well you know, that *ehm* place.
I didn't realise how much a kiss meant until...
S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Thursday, April 22, 2010
...
You said "I thought you were stronger than you actually are" and I felt sick.
Disappointment filled my red hot blood and I became deflated for I had let you down.
Stronger...
Right now I certainly wanted to be
But something had made me feel like you would treat this softness a little more kindly.
Lulled into what I thought was a place of safety I removed the bricks that protected me.
But when you flinched in what appeared to be repulsion I struggled to force regression.
Misunderstood.
My ability to retreat and reset had been something I had only done when it there was absolutely no other way.
Disappearing into a world of my own making until it was all better.
This, however, felt like a disaster and I was ashamed.
Longing for the insulating warmth of my bubble.
It's mad because it seems like I have become less in control since that very notion took hold.
It's getting worse.
Like the saying has increased the doing and the being and now you keep seeing me not coping.
I had made a mistake and now I felt ugly and weak and damaged.
S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...
Disappointment filled my red hot blood and I became deflated for I had let you down.
Stronger...
Right now I certainly wanted to be
But something had made me feel like you would treat this softness a little more kindly.
Lulled into what I thought was a place of safety I removed the bricks that protected me.
But when you flinched in what appeared to be repulsion I struggled to force regression.
Misunderstood.
My ability to retreat and reset had been something I had only done when it there was absolutely no other way.
Disappearing into a world of my own making until it was all better.
This, however, felt like a disaster and I was ashamed.
Longing for the insulating warmth of my bubble.
It's mad because it seems like I have become less in control since that very notion took hold.
It's getting worse.
Like the saying has increased the doing and the being and now you keep seeing me not coping.
I had made a mistake and now I felt ugly and weak and damaged.
S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Time the Healer?
It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone."
— Rose Kennedy
S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...
— Rose Kennedy
S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Poet
In dedication to GREEDS.
Those that were at Get Familyar will understand...
Last night
You embraced your truth and became something I never will.
I was proud.
Prouder than I am able to fully express, for the growth that I have seen when it comes to where you are now and what you have been left me awe struck.
I stood there and thought "ha, I know him"
I wished to be like you.
Brave, gifted.
But understand that it won't happen.
People questioned why I did not step on sacred ground, and my heart acknowledged that is not the path God has laid out for me.
Not my destiny.
You have found you and it was as I knew it would be.
You see, I already know the potential you hold and am resigned to sit and watch quietly.
Blessed to have walked with you through this journey.
On Monday 19th April you made History.
For the second time in less than a year.
I was thankful to have been there.
POET
I felt your fears as you stepped to the stage but also knew that you would do something special.
I understood without you even telling me that you would prove a point simply because you were to share the stage with those that were there long before you acknowledged your gifts.
I saw the vein in the side of your neck and braced myself for the impact of 3 years of frustrations, fears and blessings.
Experimental success in its purest form.
You
Are
Remarkable.
Excitement bubbled within me as I watched the whole crowd manipulated.
The looks of astonishment as your expressions covered them and they understood.
They understood.
Understood.
You made those that came before you blush… took them to a place where they became the student as you showed them what "new school" was really going to do.
They felt the pressure of having to go after, had to breathe deep and hope that they could fill the footprints burned into the space that they were now to attempt to grace.
Fuck… don't even know how else to explain.
Pride.
Awe.
Love.
You.
POET.
Now…
What's next?
S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...
Those that were at Get Familyar will understand...
Last night
You embraced your truth and became something I never will.
I was proud.
Prouder than I am able to fully express, for the growth that I have seen when it comes to where you are now and what you have been left me awe struck.
I stood there and thought "ha, I know him"
I wished to be like you.
Brave, gifted.
But understand that it won't happen.
People questioned why I did not step on sacred ground, and my heart acknowledged that is not the path God has laid out for me.
Not my destiny.
You have found you and it was as I knew it would be.
You see, I already know the potential you hold and am resigned to sit and watch quietly.
Blessed to have walked with you through this journey.
On Monday 19th April you made History.
For the second time in less than a year.
I was thankful to have been there.
POET
I felt your fears as you stepped to the stage but also knew that you would do something special.
I understood without you even telling me that you would prove a point simply because you were to share the stage with those that were there long before you acknowledged your gifts.
I saw the vein in the side of your neck and braced myself for the impact of 3 years of frustrations, fears and blessings.
Experimental success in its purest form.
You
Are
Remarkable.
Excitement bubbled within me as I watched the whole crowd manipulated.
The looks of astonishment as your expressions covered them and they understood.
They understood.
Understood.
You made those that came before you blush… took them to a place where they became the student as you showed them what "new school" was really going to do.
They felt the pressure of having to go after, had to breathe deep and hope that they could fill the footprints burned into the space that they were now to attempt to grace.
Fuck… don't even know how else to explain.
Pride.
Awe.
Love.
You.
POET.
Now…
What's next?
S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...
Monday, April 19, 2010
Escape
I just needed to get out
Panic set in quickly.
Embarrassment at your nonchalant response to my reliance and the resulting hurt struck harder than any physical blow you could have delivered in fact.
“Exactly” you spat.
Careless with your words but I now feel that this is intentional as it as gone on for far too long.
"I don't need you" sticks to each of your sentences regardless of the haphazard phrasing.
So now, everything that we worked so hard for has no meaning.
Chest puffed full as you are proud of your separating.
You see, none of this needed to be so hard but you won't stop running.
The knife keeps turning.
This apparent achievement of backward progression.
As if to rub salt into a wound that was already weeping.
Claustrophobia clawed at my soul as you kept speaking.
Fake.
That is all that remains.
The reality is, I am nothing.
Not woman, not friend.
Nothing.
I gave because you asked.
I just needed
To get
Out.
Believe it or not I contemplated escaping whilst you were still moving… for longer than I should have.
Everything was clouded by grief and pain and then… the shame.
I should have known better.
Should have walked away long before now.
Everything feels different to me but for you, it’s just one of those things.
Reason, season or lifetime…
Seasonal in your mind.
S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...
Panic set in quickly.
Embarrassment at your nonchalant response to my reliance and the resulting hurt struck harder than any physical blow you could have delivered in fact.
“Exactly” you spat.
Careless with your words but I now feel that this is intentional as it as gone on for far too long.
"I don't need you" sticks to each of your sentences regardless of the haphazard phrasing.
So now, everything that we worked so hard for has no meaning.
Chest puffed full as you are proud of your separating.
You see, none of this needed to be so hard but you won't stop running.
The knife keeps turning.
This apparent achievement of backward progression.
As if to rub salt into a wound that was already weeping.
Claustrophobia clawed at my soul as you kept speaking.
Fake.
That is all that remains.
The reality is, I am nothing.
Not woman, not friend.
Nothing.
I gave because you asked.
I just needed
To get
Out.
Believe it or not I contemplated escaping whilst you were still moving… for longer than I should have.
Everything was clouded by grief and pain and then… the shame.
I should have known better.
Should have walked away long before now.
Everything feels different to me but for you, it’s just one of those things.
Reason, season or lifetime…
Seasonal in your mind.
S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Observation...
You think I haven’t noticed?
That little jealous streak that sometimes reaches its peak as you make little digs to me.
Funny, ‘cause I didn’t take you for the possessive type.
Now, don’t think I take that as a negative, I know you aren’t crazy…
To be honest
I kinda like it
That nonchalant swagger you try to maintain is just an exterior as this display of ownership reminds of your soft, warm centre.
Your little comments about what other guys do or say to me.
Remarks about who might want piece.
Was kinda cute when you adjusted my shirt so that minimal cleavage showed.
On the real, I love how you keep an eye on what is going on around me to keep me protected.
How you stand just behind me so that your masculinity is projected
And
I can feel your energy.
I have spotted that look in your eye that you try to mask.
The one that tells me you aren’t happy with what someone said or did but I know you trust that I can handle most situations and the times that I couldn't you have.
Marking you territory?
Maybe?
I have noticed that you seem to enjoy being in a certain space with me.
Could it be that you are fooling yourself and allowing your stubbornness to dictate your tomorrow?
Fearful of being hurt and having no one to hold you through certain times of sorrow?
Seems like you to walk, talk and act like a duck but want to play around like a cheetah.
So… Erm… What’s really going on?
That little jealous streak that sometimes reaches its peak as you make little digs to me.
Funny, ‘cause I didn’t take you for the possessive type.
Now, don’t think I take that as a negative, I know you aren’t crazy…
To be honest
I kinda like it
That nonchalant swagger you try to maintain is just an exterior as this display of ownership reminds of your soft, warm centre.
Your little comments about what other guys do or say to me.
Remarks about who might want piece.
Was kinda cute when you adjusted my shirt so that minimal cleavage showed.
On the real, I love how you keep an eye on what is going on around me to keep me protected.
How you stand just behind me so that your masculinity is projected
And
I can feel your energy.
I have spotted that look in your eye that you try to mask.
The one that tells me you aren’t happy with what someone said or did but I know you trust that I can handle most situations and the times that I couldn't you have.
Marking you territory?
Maybe?
I have noticed that you seem to enjoy being in a certain space with me.
Could it be that you are fooling yourself and allowing your stubbornness to dictate your tomorrow?
Fearful of being hurt and having no one to hold you through certain times of sorrow?
Seems like you to walk, talk and act like a duck but want to play around like a cheetah.
So… Erm… What’s really going on?
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Back to the Village...
Whenever I get sick my daddy goes on a mad one with all these old Ewe (the Ghanaian trive that he originates from) remedies that are capable of curing all manner of ailments.
I love him so very much.
I have unfortunately contracted a stomach bug and have only eaten the bare minimum for almost 3 days now. I have had to come back to work as we are in the process of migrating over to a brand new finance package and felt bad to leave my team out on a limb without me.
This is what my dad sent me to work with this morning..
Light soup and Gari... One of his better tasting remedies!
Bottoms up!
I love him so very much.
I have unfortunately contracted a stomach bug and have only eaten the bare minimum for almost 3 days now. I have had to come back to work as we are in the process of migrating over to a brand new finance package and felt bad to leave my team out on a limb without me.
This is what my dad sent me to work with this morning..
Light soup and Gari... One of his better tasting remedies!Bottoms up!
Emotionally Melodic
'Put on my hat, flower in place, put the new jokes up my sleeve 'cause you don't smile so easily, make up in place, wait near the stage, 'cause when your ready I am there, for you to laugh away your tears..'
'Such a fool' by Obenewa
It isn't often that I will stand in a crowd and be so pulled in emotionally by and artist that I want to leave.
Eric Roberson did that at the Jazz cafe when he sang "Dealing" and on Monday night, Obenewa did the same.
She sang an acoustic version of a brand new song called 'Such A Fool' and I felt completely exposed.
My story was immediately attached to it and I could see myself standing where she was/is standing.
After speaking with her last night I realised how similar our stories are, which is what enabled me to become so connected to it.
The song is basically about a woman who does all that she can to make herself “beautiful” mentally, physically, spiritually and emotionally for the man that she is in Love with. In the end she feels like such a fool because he decides he doesn’t want her.
I spent the latter part of the song repeating “Don’t cry Natalie” over and over in my head.
In conversation it transpired that the actual analogy that is used for the song is one of a Clown. It’s all good playing that part when you feel like you are heading somewhere but as soon as that person walks away, you are just that, a Clown with all your inadequacies on display.
I have always been hugely impressed with Obenewa as singer/songwriter/entertainer and for those of you who have never heard of her I really suggest that you download her FREE mixtape and join one of her pages so that you can be fortunate enough to catch her next show.
The FREE Mixtape - http://www.wix.com/dirtymedialdn/obenewa
Facebook - http://www.facebook.com/pages/Obenewa/39858406301
Twitter - http://twitter.com/Obenewamusic
S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...
'Such a fool' by Obenewa
It isn't often that I will stand in a crowd and be so pulled in emotionally by and artist that I want to leave.
Eric Roberson did that at the Jazz cafe when he sang "Dealing" and on Monday night, Obenewa did the same.
She sang an acoustic version of a brand new song called 'Such A Fool' and I felt completely exposed.
My story was immediately attached to it and I could see myself standing where she was/is standing.
After speaking with her last night I realised how similar our stories are, which is what enabled me to become so connected to it.
The song is basically about a woman who does all that she can to make herself “beautiful” mentally, physically, spiritually and emotionally for the man that she is in Love with. In the end she feels like such a fool because he decides he doesn’t want her.
I spent the latter part of the song repeating “Don’t cry Natalie” over and over in my head.
In conversation it transpired that the actual analogy that is used for the song is one of a Clown. It’s all good playing that part when you feel like you are heading somewhere but as soon as that person walks away, you are just that, a Clown with all your inadequacies on display.
I have always been hugely impressed with Obenewa as singer/songwriter/entertainer and for those of you who have never heard of her I really suggest that you download her FREE mixtape and join one of her pages so that you can be fortunate enough to catch her next show.
The FREE Mixtape - http://www.wix.com/dirtymedialdn/obenewa
Facebook - http://www.facebook.com/pages/Obenewa/39858406301
Twitter - http://twitter.com/Obenewamusic
S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...
Monday, April 12, 2010
Putty
My skin smells of you.
Little bubbles of your energy are stuck in my system creating ripples of oil/water rainbows.
I am a blind/deaf mute in your presence only hearing and seeing what my darkened mind will conclude.
Unable to speak whatever would be necessary for yours to collude.
It is ticking over.
Going so fast I'm sure it will get burnt out.
You give an inch and I always reach for that mile.
Some annoying reflex that will ensure that I always want more than you are willing to give.
Trying to figure out a way to fix this. I feel selfish.
Deserving of this conveyor belt of painful days and sleepless nights.
Wanting and needing when I have no right.
What is wrong with me?
A piece of you lives within me and I am frustrated with myself because my ears are unable to properly hear you asking for it back.
On the wrong track.
Train coming towards me at full pelt but instead of turning and running I am glued to my position by what is felt deep within the well of my soul.
I want to let go... Because you want me to do so.
But whenever your eyes meet mine my pupils become checkered with our history.
Memories.
Each of my senses begin to fizzle and pop.
And my heart becomes putty in your beautiful hands.
This was never meant to be a part of the plan.
I just get confused sometimes.
Almost able to see a glint of love, want and need hidden away in the darkest recesses of your eyes.
Is it love I feel?
Is it love I see?
This is what makes me hold on.
Through no fault of your own for I am responsible.
Addicted to you.
S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...
Little bubbles of your energy are stuck in my system creating ripples of oil/water rainbows.
I am a blind/deaf mute in your presence only hearing and seeing what my darkened mind will conclude.
Unable to speak whatever would be necessary for yours to collude.
It is ticking over.
Going so fast I'm sure it will get burnt out.
You give an inch and I always reach for that mile.
Some annoying reflex that will ensure that I always want more than you are willing to give.
Trying to figure out a way to fix this. I feel selfish.
Deserving of this conveyor belt of painful days and sleepless nights.
Wanting and needing when I have no right.
What is wrong with me?
A piece of you lives within me and I am frustrated with myself because my ears are unable to properly hear you asking for it back.
On the wrong track.
Train coming towards me at full pelt but instead of turning and running I am glued to my position by what is felt deep within the well of my soul.
I want to let go... Because you want me to do so.
But whenever your eyes meet mine my pupils become checkered with our history.
Memories.
Each of my senses begin to fizzle and pop.
And my heart becomes putty in your beautiful hands.
This was never meant to be a part of the plan.
I just get confused sometimes.
Almost able to see a glint of love, want and need hidden away in the darkest recesses of your eyes.
Is it love I feel?
Is it love I see?
This is what makes me hold on.
Through no fault of your own for I am responsible.
Addicted to you.
S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...
Bitches?
I am currently sitting on the train opposite a bunch of truly spiteful, mediocre looking, not so intelligent sounding young women.
They have spent the whole journey talking about this girl or that girl, even discussing gate crashing another's wedding or sending her a message asking to be bridesmaid "just to see what she'd say", whilst being apparently surprised that such and such could even get a man... Though, from the sight and sound of them, I'm convinced they are all single.
Also, spent a portion of the afternoon being updated by a friend of mine on the persistent antics of another, seemingly crazy, woman, who has spent the full 2 years that I have know my friend trying to smear her name and steal her man, all whilst trying to gain some sympathy from equally sad people over the internet.
Add that to the ongoing trials and tribulations that I have been facing at work simply because a group of females have developed this "assimilate or die" mentality and feel as though they are the law on everyone and that their say is the be all and end all in every situation.
I have to ask...
What is it about us as women that make us behave so despicably towards other women?
We really do get on bad you know.
Jealousy will always get the better of us and we seem to pride ourselves on our ability to tear another female down.
We will develop the most intricate worst laid plans to prevent a fellow sista (or "er" depending on your cultural heritage) from being happy.
The thing is, in the end, we are never actually happy. We attempt to project our negativity onto someone else, encouraging others to join us in this diversion tactic and, as a result, walk away feeling just as empty as when we started...
Eh... Go figure.
S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...
They have spent the whole journey talking about this girl or that girl, even discussing gate crashing another's wedding or sending her a message asking to be bridesmaid "just to see what she'd say", whilst being apparently surprised that such and such could even get a man... Though, from the sight and sound of them, I'm convinced they are all single.
Also, spent a portion of the afternoon being updated by a friend of mine on the persistent antics of another, seemingly crazy, woman, who has spent the full 2 years that I have know my friend trying to smear her name and steal her man, all whilst trying to gain some sympathy from equally sad people over the internet.
Add that to the ongoing trials and tribulations that I have been facing at work simply because a group of females have developed this "assimilate or die" mentality and feel as though they are the law on everyone and that their say is the be all and end all in every situation.
I have to ask...
What is it about us as women that make us behave so despicably towards other women?
We really do get on bad you know.
Jealousy will always get the better of us and we seem to pride ourselves on our ability to tear another female down.
We will develop the most intricate worst laid plans to prevent a fellow sista (or "er" depending on your cultural heritage) from being happy.
The thing is, in the end, we are never actually happy. We attempt to project our negativity onto someone else, encouraging others to join us in this diversion tactic and, as a result, walk away feeling just as empty as when we started...
Eh... Go figure.
S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Feel, Want, Need
This is just...
How I feel
How I want
How I need...
Kinda hard to keep the "crazy" intact when you reach the bottom of your emotional barrel
It becomes even more intense when I am ignored
Better
Different
You
Not silence or confusion.
Not painful goodbyes.
Right now I am like "FUCK IT"
Shit is as bad as it can be so what do I have to lose?
May aswell just tell it exactly how it is.
How I feel
How I want
How I need...
Kinda hard to keep the "crazy" intact when you reach the bottom of your emotional barrel
It becomes even more intense when I am ignored
Better
Different
You
Not silence or confusion.
Not painful goodbyes.
Right now I am like "FUCK IT"
Shit is as bad as it can be so what do I have to lose?
May aswell just tell it exactly how it is.
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Subliminals
I said "Please" and you said "No".
I said it again but you kept on towards the rain and wind.
Didn't look back either.
No matter how much I explained I needed you.
Today... Silence.
I resent it.
My stomach is in knots.
Eyes are wet.
Soul is broken.
I miss you.
But
You've disconnected.
S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...
I said it again but you kept on towards the rain and wind.
Didn't look back either.
No matter how much I explained I needed you.
Today... Silence.
I resent it.
My stomach is in knots.
Eyes are wet.
Soul is broken.
I miss you.
But
You've disconnected.
S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...
Friday, April 2, 2010
Life will imitate art
Taken more paracetomol than advised.
All washed down with the remnants of your leftover Wray and Nephews.
Rape and abortion put me here before, I remember standing in this spot not wanting to deal anymore.
Being unable to see clearly through the sickness.
Today as my heart broke you called me a liar.
2 young boys run past making an attempt to take what is mine and you laughed it off and verbalised venom back.
I am the insomniac without and appetite.
Slipping in and out of the black outs that your rejection forced upon me.
Stone cold heart, empty eyes and a mouth that spits rejection.
I sat across from you as you told me that my pain didn't affect the level of comfort you are content with.
You called me a liar.
You called me a liar.
A liar.
Replacing one incident for another, you called me a liar.
Liar
Liar
Liar
Liar
I want to hate you for that.
But the truth is, you broke me and pushed me over the edge.
You called me a Liar.
S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...
All washed down with the remnants of your leftover Wray and Nephews.
Rape and abortion put me here before, I remember standing in this spot not wanting to deal anymore.
Being unable to see clearly through the sickness.
Today as my heart broke you called me a liar.
2 young boys run past making an attempt to take what is mine and you laughed it off and verbalised venom back.
I am the insomniac without and appetite.
Slipping in and out of the black outs that your rejection forced upon me.
Stone cold heart, empty eyes and a mouth that spits rejection.
I sat across from you as you told me that my pain didn't affect the level of comfort you are content with.
You called me a liar.
You called me a liar.
A liar.
Replacing one incident for another, you called me a liar.
Liar
Liar
Liar
Liar
I want to hate you for that.
But the truth is, you broke me and pushed me over the edge.
You called me a Liar.
S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...
Thursday, April 1, 2010
...
We speak and I want.
Want to go back to the weekend.
Rewind time and feel.
We speak and I want.
Want to suggest doing this or seeing that.
To be able to grab hold of that feeling for just a little longer.
We speak and I melt.
Missing what we had.
I am shutting down… I don’t want to.
We speak and I want you to stop me.
Want to go back to the weekend.
Rewind time and feel.
We speak and I want.
Want to suggest doing this or seeing that.
To be able to grab hold of that feeling for just a little longer.
We speak and I melt.
Missing what we had.
I am shutting down… I don’t want to.
We speak and I want you to stop me.
Bracelet...
Last night I dreamt...
I was running and my wrist caught on something.
I looked down.
When I woke I realised that even in my dreams my bracelet is prominent.
Now I'm wondering what it means and how it translates...
I was running and my wrist caught on something.
I looked down.
When I woke I realised that even in my dreams my bracelet is prominent.
Now I'm wondering what it means and how it translates...
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