Pearl

Show me your love in a single pale pink pearl for I have had diamonds before and while I had never experienced that kind of happiness before their transparency left me heartbroken, lonely and empty.
Drowning in it's reflective facia.
So, this time I will take the creamy beauty of a pale pink pearl for they do not grow effortlessly in amongst rock and stone
Amazing as diamonds may be in reality they are simply a rock.
But my pale pink pearl?
It is crafted purposefully.
A defence mechanism from unwanted parasites or dirt.
This is what I want my love to be.
Deliberate, protective, beautiful and timeless.
This is what I want. This is what I need.

...

Look? what this boy done did to me
He done cut me off from a good good love.
He told me that those days were gone
Now I'm sitting here going half crazy
Cause I know he still thinks about me too
And there ain't no way in hell, that I can be just friends with you

And I wish we never did it
And I wish we never loved it
And I wish I never fell so deep in love with you and now ain't no way we can be friends.

The way it felt, no faking it
Maybe we were moving just a little too fast.
But what we've done we can't take it back
Now I'm sitting here half way crazy
Cause I know he still thinks about me too
And there ain't no way in hell, that I can be just friends

And I wish we never did it
And I wish we never loved it
And I wish I never fell so deep in love with you and now ain't no way we can be friends.

Ain't no tellin what we could have been,
And if I knew it would end like this,
I never would have kissed ya, Cause I fell in love with ya,
We never would've kicked it, Cause now everything's different
I lost my only lover and my friend that's why I wished we never did it

And I wish we never loved it
And I wish I never fell so deep in love with you
And now ain't no way we can be friends.

She Said...

Young girl.
Just because he holds you while you sleep.
Or strokes your face while he kisses you softly.
Even if he tastes you without prompting or looks into your eyes while you make love slowly.
Just because he loves your family or lets you meet his.
Shares secrets of his past and allows you to wipe away his hard fallen tears.
He may cook for you, pay for you, drive or carry you, fight for you.
He may even hold your hand or rest his fingertips at the base of your spine to protect you.
Young girl you are too naïve.
Do not make the same mistake as I.
All of these things do not make him yours.
Your Love may cover him gently and he may call you when he is in need.
He may even say that you are perfect and that he loves you too.
But
Until he says that his heart belongs to you fully and openly offers commitment, he is still searching for the her that you are unable to be for him.

Gagged

Too scared to write these days.
Fearful that venom will become tangible.
Or that emotion will become disposable.
Scared that I will have my Slim Shady moment and say things that only last for the length of time that they take to spell out but that the sting will last much longer than I can bare.
Too scared to write these days.
Ashamed at the way my own words now make me feel.
The pink mist hitting the air as life leaves my lungs and heart.
Constantly reminding myself to be extra careful as these words fight without ceasing.
Attempting to escape the cold stone walls of their prison.
Like Toussaint's Maroons they are seeking freedom without the knowledge that once they are loosed from bondage they will be forever damaged.
Marked and scarred with memories and stigma.
Too scared to write these days.
Because silence and rejection take away a piece of me each and every time that they are hurled.
Too scared to write because love isn't what it should be and desires are a stupid frivolity.
Too scared to write because my feelings chain you in awkwardness and fear of time stolen.
Too scared to write because my audience is no longr paying attention.

Restraint

I want to call.
Want to share katsu Curry, Gyoza and that horrible prawn thing that you love so much.
I want to share 2 year old memories like "Remember...."
But I can't.
Have no right to force myself into the new memories that you are hell bent on creating alone.
I want to call.
But I won@t.

You...

Stand there.
Yeah right there.
Just like that.
Let me drink you in slowly.
A vision of strength and masculinity.
Arms strong and back flexed broadly.
Take.
Your.
Time.
Don't worry about me.
If I get inpatient I'll start while you watch and walk towards me.
Eyes locked unflinchingly.
Fuck me.
Yep, that's right.
I said and mean it sincerely.
After that's over with.
Make Love to me.
Gently.
Worship the feather in me.
This glass may break easily but I trust that you will handle carefully.


Sent using BlackBerry® from Orange

Ignored

For his own selfish reasons he ignores her.
Without acknowledging what she is needing him for…
He ignores.
Of all the people in his world that he could place on mute she could not fathom why she was continually blanked out.
Mouth invisible, heart discarded.
Sometimes it could be days, sometimes just hours but it was obvious that it was deliberate.
To him this was justified.
He didn’t have the desire/urge/time/energy.

Never taking a moment to stand where she had long since fallen.
She couldn’t understand.
But it was slowly breaking her down.
Pushing her to a point where she would become the nothing that he made her in his silences.
Flippant with his rationale.
Did she need to plead her case to be placed at the front of the queue?
She gave.
Endlessly
Continuously
Without question.
At the drop of a hat.
“Call me back please”
Darkness passes over slowly.
She waits…
Willing him to be different this time.
To see what she gives and want to give the same.

“I was on the phone”
A response that cuts deeper than he possibly intends but now she struggles to hold her wound closed, trying to prevent too much of her from staining the white cotton sheets.
Because after it all, he still didn’t call.
Did he not see the silent plea, or did he choose to ignore simply.
Call waiting? her heart whispers.
Deciding what she wants to say before she has had the chance to utter a syllable.
He once said that he didn’t want to lose her but his actions contradict.
She feels herself falling into that grey lethargy.
Disillusioned.
Deeply hurt.
Tired.
Her heart and gut feel as though they know what he has to say before he says it.
She is patient nonetheless.
Waiting.
Silent.
Ignored.

Reflection

I do to them what you do to me.
I wonder if is this is my way of balancing my psyche?
Of deflecting my frustations subconciously.
Of dealing with the hurt that I feel.
I have always done this I believe.
I don't want to anymore.

The only white boy involved

Now, I'm not one to go on rants aimed at the media and am even less of one to go on rants aimed at the media in reference to the death of a teen.
But
Today, I read the Daily Mail article about Nicholas Pearton and instantly felt angered.

It is very unfortunate and saddening that yet another young person has tragically and brutally lost their loves in this, our fair city but fuck you Daily Mail for using it as a means to further perpetrate the climate of fear that surrounds young black males.

After continually referring to the perpetrators as a "pack of animals" Daily Mail journalist Tom Kelly went on to make the wholly unnecessary statement that Nicholas was the "only white boy involved" as if his colour wasn't already obvious from the picture accompanying the article.

It would seem that ALL parties involved were gang members but his write up somehow seems to take the attention away from this piece of information and instead focuses it on the black gang members that were involved.

Honestly, you will hardly hear me beating the racial inequality, conspiracy theory drum but this time I felt it necessary.

My thoughts, feelings and prayers go out to Mr and Mrs Pearton.

Natalie Fiawoo ® Blogging on the go

Thoughts...

Only when a woman stops trying to be a man will she fully appreciate how powerful she actually is.