Never never never tell someone how you feel when they do not want you to feel because all you will be met with is silence.
All you will be left with is pain.
Natalie Fiawoo ® Blogging on the go...
Monday, January 31, 2011
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Chapter 3.
Last night.
Tossing
Turning.
Deciding.
Learning.
Today?
My secrets will remain that way, secret.
Precious only to me.
Too heavy for you to carry.
I must carry them alone but am totally prepared to.
New chapters are always hard to start but are needed to reach the end of the tale.
Natalie Fiawoo ® Blogging on the go...
Tossing
Turning.
Deciding.
Learning.
Today?
My secrets will remain that way, secret.
Precious only to me.
Too heavy for you to carry.
I must carry them alone but am totally prepared to.
New chapters are always hard to start but are needed to reach the end of the tale.
Natalie Fiawoo ® Blogging on the go...
Hidden.
My eyes hold sadness hostage.
Look close enough and you will see the metals bars that trap their prisoner.
Natalie Fiawoo ® Blogging on the go...
Look close enough and you will see the metals bars that trap their prisoner.
Natalie Fiawoo ® Blogging on the go...
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Loose leaf.
I am that first bit of paper in a notepad.
Looked over, forgotten about.
Stuck to the front cover, I will always be connected to the story it will hold but will never quite be good or necessary enough for emotions ink to stain my willing and ready canvas.
Natalie Fiawoo ® Blogging on the go...
Looked over, forgotten about.
Stuck to the front cover, I will always be connected to the story it will hold but will never quite be good or necessary enough for emotions ink to stain my willing and ready canvas.
Natalie Fiawoo ® Blogging on the go...
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Journey Planner
"I have always known I would take this path, but yesterday I did not know it would be today."
-Narihira
Thank you for the quote YB... Gave me a little perspective.
Natalie Fiawoo ® Blogging on the go...
-Narihira
Thank you for the quote YB... Gave me a little perspective.
Natalie Fiawoo ® Blogging on the go...
Blah
Today is definitely one of those days where chocolate, cake, fizzy drinks sweets, ice cream and lots of hugs are the only things that will do...
Natalie Fiawoo ® Blogging on the go...
Natalie Fiawoo ® Blogging on the go...
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Monday, January 24, 2011
Dream
Last night I had a dream.
I dreamed of laughter, of truth, of you.
I dreamt of love.
In my dream you touched me.
Slow circular motions with your fingers stirring circles into the pit of my stomach.
And when the time was right you penetrated my being and touched me heart seamlessly.
My soul became putty in your hands quickly.
Eyes, lips, legs locked and a connection was forged easily.
Tears flowed unashamedly.
Stars sprinkled stories of tomorrow, writing "us" in fairy dust.
Only
When tomorrow came it brought reality with it.
Reminding me that the future was in fact the past.
I was alone in my bed.
Slowly fading remnants of your scent.
Cold creeping over the once warm pillow.
Reminding me that your eyes burned black each time they found me.
Natalie Fiawoo ® Blogging on the go...
I dreamed of laughter, of truth, of you.
I dreamt of love.
In my dream you touched me.
Slow circular motions with your fingers stirring circles into the pit of my stomach.
And when the time was right you penetrated my being and touched me heart seamlessly.
My soul became putty in your hands quickly.
Eyes, lips, legs locked and a connection was forged easily.
Tears flowed unashamedly.
Stars sprinkled stories of tomorrow, writing "us" in fairy dust.
Only
When tomorrow came it brought reality with it.
Reminding me that the future was in fact the past.
I was alone in my bed.
Slowly fading remnants of your scent.
Cold creeping over the once warm pillow.
Reminding me that your eyes burned black each time they found me.
Natalie Fiawoo ® Blogging on the go...
Sunday.
Everyday my mind reels in attempt to find away to change the path to tomorrow.
I wish you understood that.
I guess too much damage has been done.
I apologise.
Natalie Fiawoo ® Blogging on the go...
I wish you understood that.
I guess too much damage has been done.
I apologise.
Natalie Fiawoo ® Blogging on the go...
Friday, January 21, 2011
Antonym
Common qualities seem so few and far between now.
What was once shared disappearing as ash in a slow breeze.
After growing together we have seemingly grown apart.
Well...
If nothing else.
Maybe I can still provide a safe haven where you can be yourself, get some much needed rest, gain satisfaction in home cooked nourishment and have the desires of your flesh quelled in the most fulfilling way...
Natalie Fiawoo ® Blogging on the go...
What was once shared disappearing as ash in a slow breeze.
After growing together we have seemingly grown apart.
Well...
If nothing else.
Maybe I can still provide a safe haven where you can be yourself, get some much needed rest, gain satisfaction in home cooked nourishment and have the desires of your flesh quelled in the most fulfilling way...
Natalie Fiawoo ® Blogging on the go...
Searching
"It's hard to believe this time, hard to believe that my heart.
My heart's and open door.
You've got all you came for baby.
So be real.
Someone to Love is bigger than your pride's worth.
It's bigger than the pain you got for all it hurts.
It outruns all of the sadness.
It's terrifying light to the darkness.
And I'd do it all again"
- 'I'd do it all again', Corinne Bailey Rae.
Natalie Fiawoo ® Blogging on the go...
My heart's and open door.
You've got all you came for baby.
So be real.
Someone to Love is bigger than your pride's worth.
It's bigger than the pain you got for all it hurts.
It outruns all of the sadness.
It's terrifying light to the darkness.
And I'd do it all again"
- 'I'd do it all again', Corinne Bailey Rae.
Natalie Fiawoo ® Blogging on the go...
Thursday, January 20, 2011
...
...at least through tears the hard world becomes blurry and soft...
Pain melting into an indistinct compilation of pretty colours
If only for a moment...
Natalie Fiawoo ® Blogging on the go...
Pain melting into an indistinct compilation of pretty colours
If only for a moment...
Natalie Fiawoo ® Blogging on the go...
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Gut punch.
If you have something to say, how about you just say it instead of throwing little comments around and then stepping back after you've hurt me.
Natalie Fiawoo ® Blogging on the go...
Natalie Fiawoo ® Blogging on the go...
Night talk
Thank you.
I know it is late and that there are a million and one other things you could be doing but
Thank you.
It has been an age since we caught up like that and in truth my soul needed it.
A mini rollercoaster indeed but isn't that the route life takes anyway?
Thank you.
Maybe we need to schedule an all night marathon.
No luggage, no frozen emotions just pure reason and honesty.
What do you think?
Natalie Fiawoo ® Blogging on the go...
I know it is late and that there are a million and one other things you could be doing but
Thank you.
It has been an age since we caught up like that and in truth my soul needed it.
A mini rollercoaster indeed but isn't that the route life takes anyway?
Thank you.
Maybe we need to schedule an all night marathon.
No luggage, no frozen emotions just pure reason and honesty.
What do you think?
Natalie Fiawoo ® Blogging on the go...
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Blue
I find sadness in places that I have no right to and it makes me ashamed.
Natalie Fiawoo ® Blogging on the go...
Natalie Fiawoo ® Blogging on the go...
Stop, breathe and ask...
I am going through some major changes at the moment.
They cover my life in it's entirety and while I am excited I am also very scared.
It is also turning out to be a solo journey but I am hopeful that at some point I will look back and simply feel that proud sense of achievement.
Self sufficient is something that I have always been but over the years I have learnt, mostly the hard way, how much it alienates. Myself from others and vice versa.
After a while, people start to forget about you and your struggles and just make the assumption that you are alright because, "well, it's Natalie, she's always alright".
This has created a vicious circle where I become much more fierce in my self sufficiency which further pushes people away.
Now this may stem from trust issues, dependency issues or simply my mums habit of doing something yourself if you want it done right.
Well people, I am tired.
I don't want to be, as my grandma so harshly put it "one of those career women" as I am a woman, with all of the natural, normal womanly needs.
Having a conversation with a male friend of mine the other day and one of the things we discussed was how difficult us as both men and woman find admitting that we were designed to be part of a 2 person team, a partnership, a unit.
God created men to be the Boss and for us as women to be his Assistant.
Executive Assistant, I might add.
When you look at that in the business terms, the Boss cannot function without his Assistant and the Assistant has no job without their Boss.
Right.... I have absolutely no idea where I was heading with this, but as the little caption under my blog title clearly states, these are my random ramblings...
I have a few things that I am working on in 2011. One of which is my long suffering, on off relationship with my book... yeah, the one that started as one and has now become 3...
Lets see how it all pans out and hopefully, I will stop, breathe and ask for the help that we all sometimes need in life.
Natxx
They cover my life in it's entirety and while I am excited I am also very scared.
It is also turning out to be a solo journey but I am hopeful that at some point I will look back and simply feel that proud sense of achievement.
Self sufficient is something that I have always been but over the years I have learnt, mostly the hard way, how much it alienates. Myself from others and vice versa.
After a while, people start to forget about you and your struggles and just make the assumption that you are alright because, "well, it's Natalie, she's always alright".
This has created a vicious circle where I become much more fierce in my self sufficiency which further pushes people away.
Now this may stem from trust issues, dependency issues or simply my mums habit of doing something yourself if you want it done right.
Well people, I am tired.
I don't want to be, as my grandma so harshly put it "one of those career women" as I am a woman, with all of the natural, normal womanly needs.
Having a conversation with a male friend of mine the other day and one of the things we discussed was how difficult us as both men and woman find admitting that we were designed to be part of a 2 person team, a partnership, a unit.
God created men to be the Boss and for us as women to be his Assistant.
Executive Assistant, I might add.
When you look at that in the business terms, the Boss cannot function without his Assistant and the Assistant has no job without their Boss.
Right.... I have absolutely no idea where I was heading with this, but as the little caption under my blog title clearly states, these are my random ramblings...
I have a few things that I am working on in 2011. One of which is my long suffering, on off relationship with my book... yeah, the one that started as one and has now become 3...
Lets see how it all pans out and hopefully, I will stop, breathe and ask for the help that we all sometimes need in life.
Natxx
Monday, January 17, 2011
Fat.
I want cake...
And a banana and chocolate milkshake...
*sigh*
Natalie Fiawoo ® Blogging on the go...
And a banana and chocolate milkshake...
*sigh*
Natalie Fiawoo ® Blogging on the go...
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Streams of tears
Today I cried.
Allowed weakness to fully flood my being just so that I could start heading towards being better.
Needing to allow every piece of pain, frustration, lethargy, confusion, anger out.
I know that I carry a lot.
I understand that I give whilst surrounded by those that take.
I accept my current inability to trust people too much or to feel safe enough to be weak keeps me in this state somewhat.
Disappointment surrounds me as I am easily forgotten in favour of other things.
And I cried.
Allowed audible sobs to rack my usually strong shoulders, as these boulders have become too heavy for me.
But only temporarily.
Hopefully.
Have lost count of how many times I have been pulled roughly along the same cactus, each time carefully, methodically taking out the needles and preparing to go again.
I will not say that I have never had the support that I give.
Just that the consistency is somewhat shakey.
At some point people tire of it, though I seem to have an endless supply of it.
Maybe I'm glutton for punishment?
Maybe this is why God places me where he does.
Maybe I will always be throwing around 'maybe's in a bid to understand something that I maybe never will.
Crazy, it feels like my urges to comfort others is alien because usually others look on without a strong enough urge to hold me tightly until the sobs subside.
This is why when I cried
I cried alone.
No one around to hear me or watch curiously.
I did not want to feel the sting or embarrassment or abandonment.
In truth I cannot see the point of ease but wait for its impending returning.
Faithfully.
Natalie Fiawoo ® Blogging on the go...
Allowed weakness to fully flood my being just so that I could start heading towards being better.
Needing to allow every piece of pain, frustration, lethargy, confusion, anger out.
I know that I carry a lot.
I understand that I give whilst surrounded by those that take.
I accept my current inability to trust people too much or to feel safe enough to be weak keeps me in this state somewhat.
Disappointment surrounds me as I am easily forgotten in favour of other things.
And I cried.
Allowed audible sobs to rack my usually strong shoulders, as these boulders have become too heavy for me.
But only temporarily.
Hopefully.
Have lost count of how many times I have been pulled roughly along the same cactus, each time carefully, methodically taking out the needles and preparing to go again.
I will not say that I have never had the support that I give.
Just that the consistency is somewhat shakey.
At some point people tire of it, though I seem to have an endless supply of it.
Maybe I'm glutton for punishment?
Maybe this is why God places me where he does.
Maybe I will always be throwing around 'maybe's in a bid to understand something that I maybe never will.
Crazy, it feels like my urges to comfort others is alien because usually others look on without a strong enough urge to hold me tightly until the sobs subside.
This is why when I cried
I cried alone.
No one around to hear me or watch curiously.
I did not want to feel the sting or embarrassment or abandonment.
In truth I cannot see the point of ease but wait for its impending returning.
Faithfully.
Natalie Fiawoo ® Blogging on the go...
Friday, January 14, 2011
Brainstorm.
I think you hurt my pride just a little bit and made me feel a little unnecessary.
I'll be ok at some point, I'm sure.
xxx
Natalie Fiawoo ® Blogging on the go...
I'll be ok at some point, I'm sure.
xxx
Natalie Fiawoo ® Blogging on the go...
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Monday, January 10, 2011
I guess this is what they call venting...
Words twist and the things I said to you exit you in a completely different order.
My one or two lines become paragraphs full of warnings, lies and fire stoking misconceptions.
Why?
I mean, I could understand if I actually confided in you like that, but let's look at facts...
We have minimal contact, outside of a favour that you asked of me.
In truth, I am amazed.
I mean, maybe you should take my place?
Stand in front of eager ears and manipulate lives with your "gift".
Stupidity must rule, or maybe its the need to be better than he because you actually thought that you would succeed?
Maybe he kept your secrets but I have nothing to hide and therefore expressed the things you had said which in turn resulted in his offer to the conversation.
I think that you must believe me to be as stupid as you... Maybe?
Well... I feel sorry for you.
You have many lessons to learn and there are a few that I will teach.
I just hope you're ready to receive.
Brace yourself now...
Just remember that your brought it on yourself.
Natalie Fiawoo ® Blogging on the go...
My one or two lines become paragraphs full of warnings, lies and fire stoking misconceptions.
Why?
I mean, I could understand if I actually confided in you like that, but let's look at facts...
We have minimal contact, outside of a favour that you asked of me.
In truth, I am amazed.
I mean, maybe you should take my place?
Stand in front of eager ears and manipulate lives with your "gift".
Stupidity must rule, or maybe its the need to be better than he because you actually thought that you would succeed?
Maybe he kept your secrets but I have nothing to hide and therefore expressed the things you had said which in turn resulted in his offer to the conversation.
I think that you must believe me to be as stupid as you... Maybe?
Well... I feel sorry for you.
You have many lessons to learn and there are a few that I will teach.
I just hope you're ready to receive.
Brace yourself now...
Just remember that your brought it on yourself.
Natalie Fiawoo ® Blogging on the go...
Shy guy
He spoke to me with uncomfortable eyes and uncertain body language but forced himself to speak none the less.
It has been so long since anybody was so enamoured by me that it made them nervous.
Made them shift from foot to foot or speak quickly and run off.
I almost forgot that it was possible.
His genuine approval of my mind and body beautiful made me smile.
"I saw you from over there and wanted to come and say hi" he quickly mumbled.
Made me humbled.
Natalie Fiawoo ® Blogging on the go...
It has been so long since anybody was so enamoured by me that it made them nervous.
Made them shift from foot to foot or speak quickly and run off.
I almost forgot that it was possible.
His genuine approval of my mind and body beautiful made me smile.
"I saw you from over there and wanted to come and say hi" he quickly mumbled.
Made me humbled.
Natalie Fiawoo ® Blogging on the go...
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Flash back to the future
You are so sexy.
Pupils dilate quickly as lust invades me.
I smile easily.
The thud thud of desire pounds relentlessly.
I focus on focusing but fail miserably.
This must be how it feels when drugs course through red hot blood.
I'm finding myself being more aware of my own body language and trying to cover any moments of the obvious up.
Attempting to reel my mind back, for it was lost long ago.
Tinsel tickles the pit of my stomach creating glittering strings that make me your temporary puppet.
Flash forwards of us.
Lust n' love and loving lust.
I am a willing participant.
My mind slowly peels back your layers revealing a treat at each new tier.
Sometimes sweet.
Sometimes sticky but each just as alluring as the last.
With outstretched arms I allow my fingertips to sink into your scent.
My palms to firmly grab your vulnerability.
My body to play catch up with your soul.
I'm pretty sure that I will never breathe normally again.
At least not when you're next to me.
Natalie Fiawoo ® Blogging on the go...
Pupils dilate quickly as lust invades me.
I smile easily.
The thud thud of desire pounds relentlessly.
I focus on focusing but fail miserably.
This must be how it feels when drugs course through red hot blood.
I'm finding myself being more aware of my own body language and trying to cover any moments of the obvious up.
Attempting to reel my mind back, for it was lost long ago.
Tinsel tickles the pit of my stomach creating glittering strings that make me your temporary puppet.
Flash forwards of us.
Lust n' love and loving lust.
I am a willing participant.
My mind slowly peels back your layers revealing a treat at each new tier.
Sometimes sweet.
Sometimes sticky but each just as alluring as the last.
With outstretched arms I allow my fingertips to sink into your scent.
My palms to firmly grab your vulnerability.
My body to play catch up with your soul.
I'm pretty sure that I will never breathe normally again.
At least not when you're next to me.
Natalie Fiawoo ® Blogging on the go...
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Life
Life moves on so quickly that I am perplexed as to how I lasted in yours this long and saddened at how quickly I am gone.
Natalie Fiawoo ® Blogging on the go...
Natalie Fiawoo ® Blogging on the go...
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Sometimes...
Life makes the decisions for us.
I respect yours.
No hard feelings.
Honest.
*smile*
Natalie Fiawoo ® Blogging on the go...
I respect yours.
No hard feelings.
Honest.
*smile*
Natalie Fiawoo ® Blogging on the go...
Monday, January 3, 2011
Square One
Hello my long lost friend.
Passing distant messages from time to time until I was ready to fully reconnect.
Until I had been broken down enough.
Forced to find myself, with sore fingertips in the ashes of burned hopes, memories and dreams.
I guess now we'll make proper time to sit down and converse for I have lots to tell you and I'm sure you have the same for me.
I look forward to it.
I wish I could say that I missed you.
I know you are unaffected by that confession and will hug me warmly as I reluctantly bury my head in the crook of your neck.
Natalie Fiawoo ® Blogging on the go...
Passing distant messages from time to time until I was ready to fully reconnect.
Until I had been broken down enough.
Forced to find myself, with sore fingertips in the ashes of burned hopes, memories and dreams.
I guess now we'll make proper time to sit down and converse for I have lots to tell you and I'm sure you have the same for me.
I look forward to it.
I wish I could say that I missed you.
I know you are unaffected by that confession and will hug me warmly as I reluctantly bury my head in the crook of your neck.
Natalie Fiawoo ® Blogging on the go...
...
I had felt that this would happen.
Almost allowed your sugary sweet protests to sway my judgement.
Wanted to believe.
I really wanted to believe.
Savoured the taste for as long as my tongue would allow.
But as day 2 disappears into the mist of time lost.
Unanswered calls, emails and text messages speak a truth my heart had been waiting for.
Natalie Fiawoo ® Blogging on the go...
Almost allowed your sugary sweet protests to sway my judgement.
Wanted to believe.
I really wanted to believe.
Savoured the taste for as long as my tongue would allow.
But as day 2 disappears into the mist of time lost.
Unanswered calls, emails and text messages speak a truth my heart had been waiting for.
Natalie Fiawoo ® Blogging on the go...
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Beauty..
And I would like to call it beauty,
Strained as Love's become, it still amazes me.
And I would like to call it beauty.
Beauty.
Beauty.
I would like to call it beauty - Corinne Bailey Rae.
Natalie Fiawoo ® Blogging on the go...
Strained as Love's become, it still amazes me.
And I would like to call it beauty.
Beauty.
Beauty.
I would like to call it beauty - Corinne Bailey Rae.
Natalie Fiawoo ® Blogging on the go...
New...
I won't go on a long mad one with this message.
Won't post a million and one names of those that I want to thank for the past 365.
You will know the impact you have had on my life as I would have told you.
You will know how much I Love you because I will have told.
The same goes if you have inspired, motivated, made me proud etc.
So to each of you, let's enter the new year/decade with both feet forward and keep walking in the direction our hearts are leading.
Thank you for the things that you have done for me.
Happy New Year.
Natxxx
Natalie Fiawoo ® Blogging on the go...
Won't post a million and one names of those that I want to thank for the past 365.
You will know the impact you have had on my life as I would have told you.
You will know how much I Love you because I will have told.
The same goes if you have inspired, motivated, made me proud etc.
So to each of you, let's enter the new year/decade with both feet forward and keep walking in the direction our hearts are leading.
Thank you for the things that you have done for me.
Happy New Year.
Natxxx
Natalie Fiawoo ® Blogging on the go...
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