Lost memory

Do you remember me?
Memories
Feelings
Past thoughts resurfacing reminding you of my warmth
Smiles
Do you remember?
Did the easy eye contact transport you to that place?
The one where you were fond of me.
Where you desired and enjoyed me. Did it remind you of the journey that we have taken?
Showing you that the bumps need only create a change of pace and should simply jolt us out of complacency.
I want to be able to say yes.
To know that you remember...
I want to be able to.
The truth is, I just don't know what you think when you look at me.
Don't know what you feel.
I wish you would just say so.


S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

I...

... Miss you
Like really really MISS you...
You're here but you really aren't.
I see the distance in your eyes as they no longer stay still for long enough for me to make or hold contact.
Sense the inpatience in your energy.... always ready to leave.
Time filled with easy distractions.
Secrets and pretence have returned.
Doing what you said you never would.
Tiny needles prick at my stomach.
Disappointed.
I look on silently and wait patiently for you to once again notice me.
Nothing is the same and I'm a little scared of what happens next...

S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

Crunchy nut cornflakes and banana's...

... weird but mmm mmm gooood...

S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

Gone

I wanna call.
Want to press the speed dial that leads to you
and
hear your voice.
Ain't got shit to say though and maybe that will annoy.
You are living a life that is now unknown to me.
Pain and happiness is no longer whispered to me.
A stranger.
Like the rest.
Nothing could be more painful.

S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

Me Performing at Colour Lounge - with Link

Heya My Luverlies...

Soooo... apparently I don't perform enough...

When you are trying to work on a million and one other things at the same time it can be kinda difficuly to put the energy needed into performing properly... I apologise if there is actually anyone out there missing me on stage (bar the one nagging person that won't let me forget, not mentioning any names but HE knows who HE is... )

Anyways... back to business... here's the When, What and Where

Wednesday 26th May 2010 from 7.30pm - 11pm
The Colour Lounge
Rhythm Factory - 16-18 Whitechapel Road, London, E1 1EW.

Check the facebook event for more detail and also info on who else you can catch there.

http://www.facebook.com/#!/event.php?eid=120858247933124&ref=ts

Hope to see you there xxx

Oh Oh... one more thing... I will be doing a strictly Poetry set... no vocals... no geeetar... Hopefully ya'll won't get bored of me and my words...

The truth...

I don't need you.
My life is my own.
It isn't my fault that you are feeling alone you should have planned more carefully.
Should have spent more time with other people... just like me.
You put your eggs in my basket but I don't want them.
I don't want you.
Haven't felt that physical attraction for a little while now so you are simply making a fool of yourself when you tell me of your desires.
I mean, come one... Are you surprised?
I don't invite you round to mine because you don't belong here.
My life is in a different zone, though from time to time I will throw you a bone and pick up the phone.
Respond to the easiest of your endless requests, but to be honest, you are somewhat of a pest.
Try not to get confused though, I meant what I said in my last text, the fact that I sometimes say Yes
"Does not take away that I do not want to do things with you."
So give it a rest.
If I hold you, it's for your benefit.
Of course I feel sympathy...
But now my patience has worn kinda thin.
You were special but that was a long time ago now and I won't ever return to that place.
I have no intentions of falling for you.
Just moving in a forward motion.
Minimising contact and conversation.
Slowly removing the memories of our situation.
No longer my first choice, so I just wait until I feel like doing one of the things you suggest.
I don't need you.
I don't want you.
Maybe soon you'll get it into you apparently smart head...


S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

I...

I wish
I wish I could be exactly what you needed me to be at the very moment you needed me to be whatever you needed from me.
Wish I could switch on and switch off with ease so that my mode could please
You.
Instead of casting shadows with my emotions. Dark clouds with my needs.
Keeping my own selfish wants and desires brief...
So that you could be selective when selecting a piece.
From the bottom of my heart I wish I could bring you peace.

S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

Through my Spy Hole...

I look at you and I see
A man.
Never a boy, never an inferior.
I see that "head of the household" type aura.
Someone who wants to be better for me.
Allow me to let my guard down when I need.
I see a protector.
King of his domain.
A Lion or maybe a Shark?
A man who has my best interests at heart.
A source of comfort.
Partnership forged easily.
You make me feel like a woman.
Bringing out my nurturing side.
Let me cook for you whilst you sleep.
Wake rested gently as I bring the things you like to eat.
Have me listen intently whilst you speak.
I will rub your back.
Even, God forbid, your feet.
LOL.
Make me stop and think.
Your strong arms allowing me to rest securely.
Let the rhythmic thud of your hearts beat become my lullaby.
Assert your power when we make love, but also allow me to give you everything you deserve.
I give you respect easily as you have proven your worth.
You force me to sort my shit out and get it together.
Teach me.
Lead me.
I will follow willingly.
No issues or misplaced idea of feminine independence or strength.
I look at you and I see.
A Man.
Hard enough to fix me.
Soft enough to melt me.
I'm sorry if I never told you these things often enough.


S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

My Love...

... is the kind that sees the strength in your tears and the pain in your smiles.


S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

He says she shouldn't act appreciatively.
Says he loves spending time easily though he seems to give this sparingly and only when he wants to so, when he's had enough he says "No"
Reaffirming that she isn't in control.
She takes as much or as little as she can get.
As now, he declines more than he says "Yes"
This routine is all that's left.
She sends him invites and offers regularly and he sifts through them as he pleases.
Rarely thinking of her
As when he plans his recreational time she is never the first person that comes to mind.
He never invites her to his home, decides when he will or won't return messages or answer the phone.
All that she is left with is the burning in her stomach and her tear stained cheeks.
All that she controls is Internalisation and so she now carries more than her arms can hold.
You see, he used to want to help her carry her load.
Now "not available" stands out in bold.
He has become cold.
And she is alone.
She is missing him
He says "No"
She needs him
He says "No"
She wants him
He says "No"

He says "No"
For he has long since let go.

S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

All I...

... Want.
Is for you to stop me.
The same way I try to stop you.

Some things are supposed to be worth it.
Aren't they?


S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

...

I wanna stop asking.
I have to stop asking.
Have to learn that I will give and won't necessarily receive... Even if I'm told I will.
I will learn to stop asking.



S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

Difference...

Those that talk about change, stay talking, those that mean it act quietly.

Don't talk about it, BE about it.

Yep...
I've got a lot on my mind at the moment.
Missing my support system but am trying to understand and learn that I need to move on without it. Some things just are what they are and these things are out of my control.

Sitting here about to make a list so that I can focus properly on what I need to do.

God willing I meet/reach my full potential.


S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

Yummy!!!

My latest breakfast indulgence...

Strawberry Frosties...

Mmm mmm Goooood!!!

You know you want some...


S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

Heartbeat

Gosh.
Almost forgot what that sounded like.
The soothing, calming.
Thud
Thud
Thud
Silent to the naked ear but strong enough to change the direction of my whole life.
Just let me stay here and sleep a while.
Please.
No?
Well... It was beautiful while it lasted.


S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

Fuse

I don't mean to make you mad.
However right about now it seems as though that the only thing I can do successfully.
Like the sound or thought or sight of me brings forth these feelings of impatience and repulsion.
Like your blood goes from zero to boiling point in 0.2secs and your voice starts raising.
Like you just wanna walk away or put down the phone and switch it off.
Every other memory now seems lost as you are on such a short fuse.
I'm at a loss for what to do.
Keep getting it wrong.
Sorry.


S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

Retraction.

Last night I did something out of character and I am still unsure as to how I feel about it.
I acted on impulse.
Pure reflex.
My initial thoughts went no further than me and how I felt.
What I needed.
What I wanted.
Justifying it by telling myself that I was simply being true to who I am.
A grown woman, capable of making her own decisions and used to living with the consequences of those actions.

As soon as I clocked the possible repercussion on those that are dear to me I took steps and changed my chosen course of action.
Still questioning how out of character the end result really is.

I'm sure that by now a variety of decisions have been made about what it is that I am talking about…

Now… to those reading this that know me well… examine your thought process.

What do you think I am talking about?

In fact, last night I posted a blog that laid out all I was feeling.

After I posted it, I had to stop and check myself.

As much as I am prepared to put myself on the chopping block and in full view of the public…
I have no right to do it to those closest to me…
In the end, I took it down… this is someone contradictory to my usual poetically reckless self.

They didn't choose to be a part of my story and so I wrote in my journal instead.

The thin line maybe?

Anyway… now… those that prejudged me based on the first part of the blog…Examine what you thought I was talking about… I ask… how well do you really know me?


S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

Heart...

Last night I slept without my heart.
Rested it carefully in it's box on my bedside cabinet.
In a bid to disconnect.
You see my heart is beautiful.
Shiny.
Silver.
Strong.
But I needed to understand what it felt like to not have it in it's consecrated space.
Had to know whether the sun would shine if it wasn't in place.
Funny because for the entire day...
It rained.
9 months of wearing it.
Displaying it.
It's weight had left an indentation on my pulse.
It took those months to birth this new direction.
To birth this emotion.
This...
Confusion and so I figured that if I didn't have it, I would be better.
Maybe.
Hopefully.
Unrealistically.
When I awoke I went into the world without it.
Constantly thought about it.
Felt lost.
Stories are reflected and caught in its peaks and mark is dips.
Indentations show who I am.
Imprinted on my soul.
A part of me.
I have no idea whether I will ever be able to take it back out of its box again...


S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

Those 3 words

I am sorry
A true expression of heartfelt emotion…
More sorry than you could ever, ever understand.
My sharp tongue and tact-less nature with honesty has become my own worst enemy apparently and …
I am sorry.
Desperate for your forgiveness…
Though…
Maybe…
You will never forget.
Maybe your heart will never let you let go of the pain, frustration and anger and you will completely disconnect.
Focus will remain on the pain and negatives as you seemingly no longer focus on our rainbows and magic.
This story has now become one of those that fall into the genre of ‘Tragic’ and you have turned away.
I always stood in the rain as I was sure the sun would soon swing our way but now that day will never emerge.
You walked away.
I am sorry.
Wish these 3 words would embed themselves within those 3 words and you would be able to feel as I do.
I am hot headed.
A trait I unfortunately inherited from my mother.
Always respected the balance you brought and the way you poured silver over my fire.
You have driven me to be better.
Made me stand upon humilty and breathe tenderness patiently.
You did nothing wrong
Ever
Because everytime I lay my head on my pillow forgiveness erased the trials of the previous day and I kept no record.
I am sorry…
Maybe one day you will be able to feel me.



S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...