And...

... I did it again.
Ruined something for you.
My focus is on the positive but I have left you with the negative.
Dropping my pain at the door but somehow I have forced yours to remain in your backpack.
Blurring sharply coloured images until they are little more than browny-grey smudges.
No wonder things are as they are.


Natalie Fiawoo ® Blogging on the go...

Naked.

Lie naked with me.
Allow my full breasts to rest upon the expanse of your strong chest as your hands rest protectively on the base of my spine.
Legs intertwined allowing parts of me to touch the parts of you that your pulse is the strongest.
Fingertips gently tapping out promises.
Wait silently for my heartbeat to fall in perfect time with yours, reverberating easily through rib cages and skin.
Body heat and soft bodies heat the surrounding atmosphere as we just lie here.
Sexual but not.
Connected and hot.
No barriers or walls.
Nothing guarding our hearts at all.
Breathe deep with me
Naked in our vulnerability.
Just you and me.

S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

Reflection...

Bitter sweet.

I know I stand in line, until you think you have the time to spend an evening with me
And if we go someplace to dance, I know that there's a chance, you won't be leaving with me
And afterwards we drop into a quiet little place and have a drink or two...
And then I go and spoil it all, by saying something stupid
Like: I love you
I can see it in your eyes, that you despise the same old lies you heard the night before
And though it's just a line to you, for me it's true it never seemed so right before
I practice every day to find some clever lines to say to make the meaning come through
But then I think I'll wait until the evening gets late and I'm alone with you
The time is right your cologne fills my head, the stars get red and oh the night's so blue
And then I go and spoil it all, by saying something stupid
Like: I love you
I love you
I love you


S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

Retrospect

I should've just said that it was too cold...


S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

New Blog... Coming soon.

'Too Fat For Wellies'. My new blog, coming soon...


S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

Brand.

We fought.
Or rather you fought.
Fought with such ferocity that you spat contempt at me.
Showed a side I had not seen.
You fought for her.
Burned me with your brand because this one, well she was worth scarring me for.
The journey you had shared made her presence a necessity.
Apparently.
Regardless of the damage she'd previously inflicted upon you so carelessly.
I bled quietly.
When the time came for you to fight for me.
You sat quietly.
Looked on as bruise after well placed bruise marked my already swollen skin.
Barely even making eye contact.
Fairy tale not for the faint hearted.


S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

Moonlit contemplations.

Last night.
As I completed one task that I had set for myself I knew it was just the beginning.
Satisfied and at the same time overwhelmed.
A slight sadness created a mist over my heart as I knew there were more changes to come.


S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

Who...

... will understand the stories and symphonies set within your heartbeat now?


S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

Switch.

You switch her off so easily that it's a wonder her heart still beats.
Your terms and conditions have bound her in chains that she fights to break but with each new struggle the cold steel cuts deeper.
Drawing blood in places she never dreamed possible.
You switch her off so easily that she ponders how long it will take for you to forget her.
Not long she bets.
A simple adjustment of power source.
Change in circuitry.
New focus.
Energy drawn from someone/where else and she becomes a figment of her own imagination.


S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

"You're my weakness and my strength"


S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

Circle

As much as I say a response isn't necessary I still find myself refreshing emails and rechecking text messages wondering whether I had missed anything.
Seeking understanding.
Connection.
Reaffirmation.
A change of direction.
And each time I adjust myself to the notion that I will hear nothing a new message materialises.
For the most part it pleases but when the flow once again ceases I am left stranded at sea.
Searching for a lifeboat.

S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

Secret Harbour.

Trace butterflies of love down the middle of my back with your soft lips.
Drink me in with deep slow sips and imprint desire with fingertips.
Tell stories of journeys already taken and predict those to come.
Blur mysteries into the rising or the setting of the sun as both become merged into a single day dream.
Sprinkle magic into each welcoming wrinkle, creating shapes of ecstasy.
Smile. Laugh. Moan. Breathe.
Breathe.
Breathe breathless mutterings of quiet imaginings.
Reading me perfectly. Easily. Speaking the same language as my arching back.
Quickly conversing with my snake like motions.
Encouraging my body to dance to the pounding, relentless rhythm of your drum.
Teach me the kinds of lessons that will remain with me well into my old age.
Darkness subtitled.
Envision in braille.
See only me on a background of pure light.
Smile. Laugh. Moan. Breathe.
Breathe.
Breathe breathless mutterings of quiet imaginings.

S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

Happy Birthday xx

S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

The next stage

Hi all,

So, as I am taking a loooooong, until further notice, break from performing it looks like I will be able to start filling my blog space a little more with gems of randomess for your pleasure? Gossip sessions? Night time writing fixes? Warped obssessed dislike? You get the picture.

I know that those that visit here, visit for different reasons and it seems as though more people read than comment, which is also fine, though feed back is always a good place to grow, learn and discuss.

Even though, to some, a poetry gig doesn't seem like much the whole process of writing new stuff, learning said new stuff, putting together sets and then spending hrs of the week at events can take a big chunk of my time and it means that the other things I am so desperately trying to complete seem to fall to the way side.

I am looking forward to the new freedom I will be afforded and I hope that you will Love me or Hate me as a result of anything that you read here.

Natxxx

Moths and Candy Floss

My fingertips become an hourglass as sand and time slip through easily.
I am just disappointed.
Spent and frustrated.
Head throbs constantly and black outs threaten me.
Dangling their dangerous carrot
Tempting me to lose sleep.
To not eat.
This amalgamation of Moths and Candy Floss invade my stomach.
The slow nicotine shadow of disconnection and resentment attempting to fill my lungs, quietly trying to pollute my blood stream.
I hold my breath but am unsure why.
Why do I fight the inevitable?
Why do I refuse to give up?
I saw a new side of you.
The side that had me running in an attempt to catch up.
The side that ignored and embarrassed me in front of those that already seek weakness in me.
You had “Fuck you” written all over your dilated pupils and each time I tried to talk to you I had to read those words over and over again.
You speak of the side of others that you refuse to put up with without realising that you have displayed the same to me.
Spreading gold, blue and green feathers and parading around in affirmation.
But I remain silent.
That place in me that forces me to speak has become stuck.
Hard lessons to learn.
Difficult actions to swallow.
Life moves easily for you as you have forced your skin to be thicker than mine.
So, tomorrow, when you are unable to find me.
You will not look for me but rather accept that I am gone and move on.

S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

One stop before ours.

Today.
I snapped at you.
It was unintentional.
An amalgamation of frustration and tense emotions forced my hand and I did not play my cards very well.
And now... As tear ducts swell and I struggle not allow them their freedom on this northern line journey.
I wonder.
How did we get here.
I'm truly, deeply, sincerely.
Sorry.

S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

Belief...

Time turns quickly and every time it ticks over my heart beats that little bit stronger.
Can you feel it?
It sits closer to yours than you will allow yourself to admit, closer than you will accept but its there none the less.
Beating... Bleeding... Needing... Releasing...
Finding a comparable rhythm and sticking to it.
Feeling... Seeking... Believing.

S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

Past meets Present.

Confusion causes pain.
So I sit here again trying to make sense of it all.
Past will merge with present and the future will be determined.
One way or another.
So many questions, thoughts, feelings.
So many.
Flatline.


S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

My Nigerian Fairy...

Sprinkled a little happiness my way...
Made me smile... A lot.
I'm thankful
xxx


S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

...

Sometimes the most beautiful people turn out to be the most ugly.


S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

Balance.

"You keep me safe through the storms of doubt and frustration that periodically crash into my soul"


S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

Thank you xxx

S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

TBC

One sided friendships.
Unrequited Love.
Being overwight.
Not working for myself.
Bitchy people at work.
“That” time of the month.
Having a cold.
Judgemental people.
Not feeling safe enough to be weak for a while.
Other poets that try and knock you off of your throne when you didn’t even realise that you were sitting on one in the first place.
Not having any peace and quiet.
Wanting a hug and a kiss when you wont get it.
...

Did Chipmunk used to be an S Club Junior?

Moment of clarity.

I explain my predicament and am met with silence.
No offer of assistance or good will.
Just silence.
I don't want it to, but my mind flutters back to reverse situations.
Times I have stood where you now stand and without giving it a second glance placed my outstretched hand around you or slipped my open palm in yours and did what I could to ease the discomfort.
So now to ease my discomfort I tell you to go it alone.
Left disappointed because I did not want to believe what others said but it would appear that you have left me with no choice.

S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

*no need for words*

S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

Square Pie... The way forward...

S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

I am (unfinished)

I am expression waiting to fall into your empty minds and soul-less eyes.
Bringing light to the once dark crevices of uncertainty.
Thinking maybe you have heard the last of me but I echo through your thoughts long after I have left the stage.
Interlinking with the fibres of your tomorrow and subliminally changing the way you live your life.
I use free verse and free write.
Words etched into my soul like everyone of the tattoos that I own.
They are a part of me and will remain so until long after I am gone. Reverberating through history until they have fulfilled whichever destiny laid out for them.


S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

Sigh.

Mind runs at the speed of light and I close my eyes in a bid to focus it.
System flooded.
On edge and unable to find the place of rest.
Words caught in already tightened throat.
Maybe tomorrow.

S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

White room realities

Temporarily left to our own devices the brown white atmosphere allowed a certain level of comfort.
Conversation flowed easily and we moved from topic to topic.
Up until this point no more than a few respectfully placed phrases has met in the air but a mutual respect and common interests allowed us to feel at ease.
Nothing romantic. Not at all.
Just conversation.
Platonic interaction.
He shared secrets of word play and triumphs of lost love reborn and I listened.
Intently.
Open heartedly.
Curiously.
"I do wonder what it would be like to be with a girl from the same tribe as me, a Muslim Hausa... It would be nice. Shared language, shared tradition and shared belief systems..."
I wonder if he noticed the flick in my eye lids as I adjusted my thoughts and pushed away what had invaded my subconscious.
He had shined a light on my life without even realising it.
Reminded me of hopeless wishes and grey sunshine.
Reality washed over me and I was silenced.

S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

Desire

"Why is it we never act on our own hunger?"
Taken from 'Mavis writes in her journal' by Cheryl Clarke.
S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

Tomorrow...

This is a frickin big deal.
I feel proud.
I can't wait!
Another step in your journey that I am blessed to be a part of.
Thank you.


S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

Fashion...

S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

Shoes vs Bed

S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

Night night...

Stars fall into place and I wear the night as a comforting blanket.
Two unreturned missed calls later and I fall asleep to silence.
Existing only when, where and how I am given permission.

S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

Hide away

Today I am having one of those.
A day where I bury things deep down inside forcing them into their usual hiding place.
Stuffing them away from prying eyes because I do not feel safe enough to show my weaknesses.
Besides... maybe you do not deserve to see me.
Today I will breathe deep, clear my throat and rush towards tomorrow in the hopes that the closet will not burst open, holding onto my insecurites, my fears, my doubts and my uncertainties.

Today...

Is a Chuck day.
Gosh... I've missed them.
Maybe its time to put my collection back in the rotation...

S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

My reflex.

Thank you.

S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

Lessons.

It isn't the lie that matters but the reason behind it.


S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

Today...

... I tried my luck and it paid off.
I feel happy now.
*note to self*
Do this more often.


S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

Wow

Oh my gosh.
McDonald's really did their job here because its not even 8.30am and I'm already wanting a Big Mac.

S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

Dream seeking.

While it isn't done "religiously" as stated flippantly.
I do look.
Searching for a piece of me that may have found itself at the end of a haphazardly but perfectly placed sentence or phrase.
Wanting to find some crystal clear reflection.
A familiar image.
That spark of connection to re-ignite that which seems to have been lost. So. Yes.
I do read.
As often as my soul believes it needs to read.
Hoping but not expecting to see. Me.
Somewhere.

S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

All me, but not.

You used to have so many.
Pet names, nick names.
Pretty much the same but what was important is that you had them.
Something cute or specific.
A personal joke or small piece of wit. You said it.
Made something up to tease or maybe even please, just to simply release the closeness that we once shared.
As stupid as it may seem, they made me feel special.
It was the representation of the growth of our shared stories.
Now I am to you what I am to everyone else.
Friendship hiccuped and that familiarity was lost.
Everything is so damn serious now.
And I hate it.

S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

*sigh*

I am tired and its making me want to curl up into a ball and cry a little.
I wonder what will happen if I take some Anadin Liquifast, with some cherry coke and some pro plus....

Its cuddle time I think, like a proper long, squishy, strong one.

If you smell nice and give good hugs apply below...

Thanks

S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

...

Crash.
Landed.
Back to reality.
S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

Tomorrow

Ok...
So
Surface skimming isn't so easy right now.
Questions bubble and bust in bright colours though not as rich in hue as they once were.
I guess there are some things that I will always want to understand but somehow cynical her as crept in and is keeping a very watchful eye on this particular urge.
I say questions but really its just the one.
Right now the need isn't as strong.
Maybe it will return?
Maybe it will slow burn before disappearing into the blue mist of tomorrow.


S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

Unread.

You no longer read.
Though I struggle to respect your reasons, frustration rules my universe as I feel rejected.
Dejected and push aside.
You no longer read.
Ignoring the steam heating up my soul and going about on your own, unawares of my growth.
My attempts at being better.
My progression.
You no longer read.
And I feel like maybe you are no longer interested in that part of me because history has stung easily and now, now you are unable to bounce back.
You no longer read and well, to be honest.
It hurts.

S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

Moments...

I can't quite put my finger on it but it felt
Different.
Freedom was the only song I sang as I allowed myself to fully become the moment.
I felt sure, felt certain, felt like I was maybe worth it.
Connected in a way that history had long since erased.
The bleak future once faced now has a slight glow.
I dunno.
Trying to not think but rather just feel.
Surface skimming as I still slightly fear going too deep but enjoying it nonetheless.

Wiser.

Innocence and youth must be scratched across my face embossed with permanent marker because history repeats itself.
This deep tissue misunderstanding.
Prevent the truth from crash landing and being absorbed into your first impression.
I do not intentionally misrepresent but somehow, the same conclusions are drawn again and again as he or she or they make assumptions about what or who I may be.
This record has been stuck for way too long, replaying tunes from a time when this wasn't the norm.
And it makes we wonder...
Is it the way I look or the way I act?
The latter would infact be an unacceptable fact as I will happily take credit for this hereditary, magical, fragility but to underestimate me mentally may very well be the thing you end up viewing most regrettably.
It is also the thing that I ponder upon most frustratingly.
Don't take my humility for weakness or my laid back attitude as an invitation for you to take the piss.
Suck happily on this naturally sweet demerara treat with the understanding that when treated flippantly bad things happen.
How about just being who you are whilst I do me?
No, best version imagery before falling prey to reality.
I feel my way through the pretence with relative ease.
I guess I'll just leave those that misunderstand to misjudge and underestimate me.
Makes it easier to be happy.

S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

Another great way... to start your day

The last time I made this journey humiliation flushed my cheeks full of blood and I was reminded again of that thing I tend not to really think about too much.
Most of the time.
Overloaded.
Maybe I brought in on myself by speaking it but deep in my stomach that feeling told me it would happen again and the words left my mouth before I could think about holding them in.
For the second time in a row my embarrassment was shared with complete strangers and I felt eyes burn holes into my sometimes fragile soul as I exited the lift.
On my first journey, uncouth drunkenness drew the attention away.
This time, I fought the lump in my throat.
This time, I had to push against the urge to just go home.
this time the sign
Read.
You're too fat to ride.

S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

30.

I want to ask you
But fear bleeds stronger than courage each and every time I open my mouth to say something.
Cotton mouth and parched throat create dust rather than opportunity.
Maybe you would go with me but I am restrained by past commentary.
Fire burns easily and quickly
So.
I guess silence is all that will protect me.

S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

Ready... Steady...

S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

Another great way to start your day...

Needs sound...

Conspiracy pt 1

You see...

This is why I hate shopping for underwear...

Bra's are too frickin expensive when you cross over a certain size.

All I walked away with was 3 bra's and 5 pairs of knickers.

So to all you men who seem to love larger breasted women... Give us bra's NOT flowers.


S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

Can you...

... keep a secret?

*leans forward*

Lean closer... Closer...

I think you are magic.

S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

Still believe.

"We won't change our tone
You're in my bone marrow
Argue but it still feels like home"


S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

210 mishap

So...

I get on my bus (210) and just after the back doors, there are those 2 double seaters that are raised. I guess it must be the bus mezzanine or something? Anyways, there is someone sitting on the window seat of each. A black man to the left and a white lady to the right.

I sit on the right. My choice was made quickly and easily... There was more space next to the lady and I had my gym bag as well as my plus size frame to sit comfortably.

There is a turkish looking lady that is just behind me and looks immediately frustrated with me. I look to the lady I'm sitting next to (just in case they are friends) but the lady next to me has her head buried in a book.
I look back to Madame turkish and notice that a look of disgust now replaces her frustration...
This is, unfortunately, is aimed at the black man whom she quickly passes (with continued look of disgust) and goes to sit in one of the 'make you feel sick for your whole journey' backward facing seats.

To me, it appeared as though she believed the black man to be a disgusting creature whom she simply couldn't be expected to sit next to.

I immediately got 'hot' and wanted to say something.
Two things stopped me from doing this.
1- me blowing up at her might somehow make her feel justified to have any backward notion that she is possibly carrying about
And
2- I didn't sit next to the black man. Which is something she could easily throw back in my face, regardless of my reasoning.

So... Now that my ramble is over, I would like to ask
Have you noticed anything similar on your travels?
What did you do?
How would you have reacted were you sitting in my seat?

Cheers xxx


S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

Room with a view

My mind is running at top speed.
Turning over quickly, hurriedly.
I try and decipher the riddles, try to take the muddy colours and separate them out into recognisable hues.
Thought and feeling stand at opposite ends of the room avoiding eye contact.
Each time their pupils lock confusion finds a way to block any communication.
This situation.
This
Situation.


S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

Hannibal Pektor... great way to start the day

http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/3140639/This-wan-is-up-to-no-good.html

Why am I the only one that seems to remember this???

All I want...

...Is some jollof, some lamb/goat/beef stew and some ice cold cherry coke...
Damn you north london for not having anywhere for me to buy these things to comfort me.

S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

The Real F Stop

Ok...

SO I am about to rush out to Chill Pill, a lovely, weekly poetry night at Scream Bar on Bethnal Green Road in shoreditch but before I do... Just want to link you to a Fashion and Photography blog by Mr Darrel Hunter.

For as long as I have known him he has been obsessed with fashion, shoes in particular, and he has now turned that passion into a tangible artform.
Trust me when I say that this guy works extremely hard and has an amazing eye.

You should check him out (and then book him). I will also post some news about a lil project that myself and Darrel will be working on in the near future, very shortly...

http://www.therealfstop.blogspot.com

Check out some more of his work on his Model mayhem page - http://www.modelmayhem.com/770027

Email - darrelwh@gmail.com
Twitter - http://twitter.com/darrelwh

Greed’s and Nutty P Sampler 4 – Blog 1

So, rather than me doing a complete blog review of the sampler I’m thinking that every so often I will drop a little something in here.
That way I can link the sampler just to remind you of the sampler and also give my 2 pence worth.

The track I have decided to start with is Aura.

Those that know, know why!

The track starts out with melodies that could possibly have you thinking it’s gonna be a track about love, and I guess in some way’s it is, just not in the typical, conventional sense.

Aura tells a story that many creative's face.
Being somewhere and seeing others that claim to share the same skill and passion tear your craft to shreds.
It also reminds you that you are the torch holder, you are responsible for your craft and you have to ensure you etch a path that would make those that come before and after you proud.

Though I wasn’t fortunate enough to sit in on any of the sampler 4 studio sessions, I have been in the studio and in rehearsal spaces with Greed’s and I tell you, my pen and pad never leave the same.
It gets even worse when you put him in the same rehearsal space as The Remedies… All I can do is sit silently and watch genius at work whilst wishing I had half of the vision contained in that space.
Greed’s uses his doubles on this track to give his vocals an almost futuristic sound which perfectly compliments the sound and feel of Nutty’s production.

Again , I’ll say… Those that know, know why.

I have to admit, I had not predicted the beat progression and as soon as that build hit, my hand immediately went to my head and excitement made me laugh.

Say it with me this time… Those that know, know why!

All I wanna do is listen to this track loud as hell on some big ass speakers with the bass turned right the way up.

The different blends of melody, sound and music make this track, in my opinion, probably the strongest mainstream contender.

“My aura’s bright and bold, wicked and bad, does not slack, always in tact, so fresh so clean, no in between’s if it was harmonies I bet you’ll sing”

What say you?

A snippet of Aura


Check him out –

Website - http://www.iamgreeds.com/
Contributor - http://www.myboxfresh.com/profiles/user/GREEDS/
Twitter - http://twitter.com/iamgreeds
Facebook - http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=40589140717#/group.php?gid=40589140717&ref=ts
Youtube - http://www.youtube.com/greedstv

I remember...

"I remember the way you used to love me

I gave you all my precious love
And anything you wanted from me
You didn't hear me calling out
Calling for your warm affection after all this time
You can't deny what I'm feeling is real
And I stood right by your side
Went through all the hurt and pain
And you turned and walked away"


S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

Old movies and junk food.

So much to do.
Clutter fills my thoughts and my space but I have lost the motivation to get my house in order.
For now.
I want to eat chocolate and ice cream, washed down with cherry coke and time.
Allow the sweet bubbles to wash away the grey as I watch old indie movies commenting on how gritty they feel.
I survey my surroundings and feel swamped.
My mind is a land mine of half finished thoughts and inconsequential decisions.
Finding constant distractions and panicking when I don't get shit done.
Avoiding the gaze of responsibility catching up with me.
I feel unreliable.
All talk and no follow through.
I am a muddle.
Slow motion forcibly takes control until I am stuck.
Sitting still, breathing is barely audible.
Temporary paralysis.
Too much.
Cold to touch.
I've had enough.
Losing the will to get it right.
So much to do, so little time.
Numb from the constant effort.
Wanna say "fuck you" to those beady eyes of judgement because they probably wouldn't last a day on my shoes.
For now, lemme fill my mouth and stomach with all the things that should remain on the outside and start numbly at someone else's story.

S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

Candlelight expedition.

Do you ever try to remember what my body feels like?
Do you consider whether your fingertips would glide as easily as they once did?
Soft hands on soft skin.
Warm to touch.
Sweet to taste.
The expanse of my back providing the canvas for you to write your dreams, desires, fears.
Stories of overcoming and lust.
Tales of dead ends and trust.
Everything that once was.
The back of my thighs.
The protruding comfort zone of my tummy.
My arms and anywhere else those storytelling, braille reading fingertips might take up residence.
Pardon but may I make a suggestion?
A candle lit, moonlight, get to the final destination whenever we arrive expedition.

S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

*scream*

Arrrrghhhhhh
Friggin barbecue day
AGAINNNNN!!!
I want roast potatoes and gravy back!!!!!


S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

Visitation... WIP

I know why you come here...

You come here to get the latest installment of gossip.
Wanting to see what my open and sincere heart has bled for your amusement and banter.
You come here to find out whether smacking him on the arse is acceptable behaviour.
Whether you might be in with a chance.
Asking questions that will further your cause.
Looking relentlessly for the answers I will not give.

You come here to gauge whether you are worthy competition.
What you will never understand is that I slice open arteries and pour my essence out without fear.
I will continue to do so long after you have ceased to come visit here.
My priority isn't being better than any of you but simply being better.
I do not write to gain notoriety and hand claps from the easily amused.
I am these words.

You come here because I will not speak to you.
I have shut down and in a bid to find out where my heart is you search syllables and phrases, the odd and surprisingly placed metaphor.
You come here and are sometimes stung by my honesty, hurt by my hurt but only withdrawing as a response when you should be working harder to grow with me.
You come here because knowing that you can be affected by my pain somehow makes you feel less guilty.

There are a few that visit here because they respect my integrity and honesty.
Admire ability.
Love me personally.
To those, I thank you sincerely.

I know why you come here.
Keep on coming...
Maybe you will learn something.

She Sits...

She sits.
Reads and re-reads from her small notebook.
Recalling lost moments and pain
"Acid rain tears burn trails down my cheeks and fall into the memories of you and I.
Burning pearl drop holes leaving disjointed recollections of patch worked time.
Their only mission is to remind.
I am not a part of your world.
You met me in mine.
Leaving my everyday intertwined with images of us.
You live your life outside of anything that we created
Whereas mine was saturated with the scent of us
And no I find no escape"
She sits
Pondering on lost moments and pain.
Actions that could have been prevented or at least lessened in potency.
Betrayal is what she feels.
But not by him.
By herself.
That female intuition she was sure she possessed led her astray
It wasn’t supposed to end this way.
And now, as she falls into this spiral she tries to steady herself for when she hits rock bottom.
Not long to go now.
Not long to go.

S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

Jest.

He said that falling in love was gay, whilst singing along to "why do fools fall in love" and you know what?...

I think he really means it.

S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

Survival.

So, maybe I hope for too much?
Maybe because I'm the "drop everything when my loved ones need me" type of person part of me expects the same.
But it isn't the same.
Sometimes plans change but other times action is non-existent.
To the point that I have to push pride and aside and beg for attention.
A little affection.
Sometimes its just about being able to cry whilst someone holds you tight.
Maybe its irrational thought caught up in my mood this time.
I guess for now, I'll just keep it all inside.
Reassess and got back to self...
Survive.

S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

Random thought...

So,

I was working on something new this morning and I kinda had one of those moments where it dawned on me... I am so fortunate to have this ability.

Corny or seemingly conceited perhaps but let me explain.

It is very rare that I write with a plan in mind. I mean, words literally fall out of me onto paper/PC/BB.

I use freeverse to freewrite (ha, you see what I mean? That could be a hot line in a poem or rap and it wasn't even intentional ... *must remember to use that one day*)

It's as if something else takes over and I am just the medium for it.
I get into that zone and I'm off, with the fairies perhaps (as my mum would say). Something trance like occurs and these brilliant ideas just materialise out of "nowhere".

I'm sure the same thing applies to painters or sculptures or anyone creative for that matter.

I guess that's why they call it a talent?

Random moment over...


S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

Breakfast

Sooo...

I had a home made Cherry Coke float for breakfast this morning.

Probably not the best way to start what is about to be a long and very involved day but was definitely the best way for me to start the day, if you know what I mean.

Some days I wonder if I should try and be famous so that I could get sponsored by Coca Cola and have all the Cherry Coke that I want.

*sigh* Love is...


S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

Hands.

Hold my hand. Please.
Do it on reflex.
Do it because of your need to feel my skin, my warmth.
Finger tips and palms.
Intertwined.
Be comfortable enough to act on impulse.
Just for us.
An additional attachment to this bond.
Soft digits curl around firm ones.
Know this much, souls connect when we touch.
So, hold my hand.
You are allowed to, you can.
But only because you want to.

S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

No shame in the game! Lol.

Let me be
I want to be
Got to be
Your sugar give mama some sugar mama
Sugar Mama.
Come, sit on mama's lap.

S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

Picture book

So... The butterflies are back.
The bad ones that are felt but not heard.
2 events later and still not a word.
I try and justify the path of "send" to "silence" but come up empty handed with palms facing downwards towards a dirty but very familiar ground.
Ok, so I admit it. I went out on a limb.
Found that last bit of self confidence, the remaining drop of bravery, gathered up the lonely crumbs of sexy and sent them whole heartedly.
I want to ask if you received these but sure if you had and were at all interested there would be a red flashing response.
Fool.
The word echoes in 3 syllables, constantly.
Tauntingly.
Hatefully.
Ringing nightmares into existence and new pain into being.
No longer seeing in 4D my vision comes single mindedly.
Summers cold winters night.
We said goodbye and my self confidence lay in a puddle of shadows.
Hastily placed foot steps leave it in prints along the overused road.
I didn't even expect a reaction though I had hoped for one.
I Just wanted acknowledgement.


S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

GREEDS does it again...

http://bit.ly/cm7YZo

Sampler 4

Download... enjoy...

Review coming soon...

Jazz Verse Juke Box

Sooo... The other day I was fortunate enough to be asked to do a little set in the upstairs bar at Ronnie Scotts for an event called Jazz Verse Juke Box...

I really enjoyed using the extremely talented jazz band and had fun throwing random words at them and watching them create magic.

Now, I don't usually paste performance recordings of myself but today... I am...

Enjoy
Natxx

Phoenix wishes.

I am spent.
Too tired to continue spinning in irregular circles.
Life is as life does and it will be whatever is written in its destiny.
I shout welcome back to my morning epiphanies dealing me a much needed slice of reality.
Let me breathe easy.
Rest easy.
Sleep peacefully.
Premature maybe but soon, hopefully.
Wanting to shed the internal zombie and fly free.
Swallow bitter pills quickly.
Let me breathe easy.
Rest easy.
Sleep peacefully.
Premature maybe but soon, hopefully.

S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

Right now

Eric Roberson Feat Algebra Blessett.
'Iluvu2much' belongs to me.


S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

I hate....

The bastard bus driver.
He just drove right past me.
I was standing a little bit back from the curb because there was a huge puddle, he slows down so that he doesn't splash me then just drove past...
Arghhhh... Now I'm gonna be late!
Frigging frick, frick!

S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

...

I wish...


S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

Flippin'...

So... Why do I look like the crazy welly girl for the second time in a row?

First I wear them to Goodwood after 2 days of showers and get nothing but baking hot sunshine.

Then I leave out in them today while the rain is pooooouring down. Suddenly it stops and I'm wondering whether it actually did rain considering the streets are now dry as ever.

Cute maybe, purple definitely but I can't help wondering whether my wellies are cursed!!!

S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

Great Quotes #1

Stolen from the facebook page of Indigo Brown.... They are a serious singing/songwriting machine... check em out.

Facebook - http://www.facebook.com/indigobrownmusic
Twitter - https://twitter.com/loveindigobrown
Myspace - http://www.myspace.com/indigobrownmusic

Tear drops and ecstasy

Today
I thought about wrapping my legs around the narrow part of your waist as my fingernails find the broadness of your back and shoulders.
I thought about staring deep into your eyes and hearing anything that your soul was trying to say to me.
I thought about quickened breath and brightly coloured stars.
Tear drops and ecstasy.
The things you gave to me.

Today
I thought about your chest pressed close enough for my heart beat to find pace with yours.
I thought about slow gentle kisses and the firmer kind with a bite on my bottom lip.
I thought about talking dirty and pulling my hair.
Tear drops and ecstasy.
The things you gave to me.

Today
I thought about that easy loss of control and sweat glistening on bodies.
I thought about fingers on ankles and hands stroking skin.
I thought about that moment we first really connected in that emotional/mental/sexual way.
Tear drops and ecstasy.
The things
You gave to
Me.

S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

Maybe?

I am writing to start a conversation.
Don't want you to secretly read my words and go into to your own world.
Want you to talk to me.
To ask questions.
I want to create a spark in the back of your mind.
Want you to take time pondering these words of mine.
Maybe look at things a little differently.
Look deeper than just me
and find yourself
Maybe...

...

I HATE Jason Derulo...

That is all.


S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

If you...

...enjoy my stuff, please have a read of my friends wordpress...

She makes me jealous of her words whilst I am falling in love with them...

http://softlyshespeaks.wordpress.com/

Lost Beauty

"I told you it would be beautiful" he said

She looked down at him and felt slight embarassed.

Stared him in the eye but was unable to read him properly.

Told him to "Stop talking" because she couldn't tell whether it was honesty or game play.

That? Well that was an age away.

Now, she just wanted to go back to a time when he thought anything she shared with him was beautiful.

No disrespect but...

... I am so thankful that I don't feel as though I need to wear a weave because, in truth, there are some atrocious calamities out there.

Of course I have bad hair days too but if it all falls down that badly I can either wash/wet it and start from scratch or pull it back in one without the fear of tracks or pre-ordained partings.

I am also thankful that I don't feel like I need to wear full make up every single day.
As with weave that shit is expensive, rain or excessive moisture becomes life threatening and everyone can see it isn't real.

Plus, sometimes, when you mix the make up/weave combo t heavily you can wind up looking like a dude.

Just a random thought that occurred to me as I'm stood here outside Marble arch station.

S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

Realisation...

Things will never be the same.
Again.
S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

Just because I could...

S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

Random.

Today.
I got my first look at my newest nephew/niece.
It's always a humbling experience.
God does some amazing amazing things.
He always finds a way to help me put things into perspective.
I Love my family.
And I wish you all the best.


S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

Back gate

He held her and she held back tears.
Struggling to look him in the eyes whilst he, for once, sought hers hungrily.
She shared with him but was unsure whether he was really hearing.
Uncertain about everything.
A hurtful position to be in.
She asked him what he wanted and he said nothing... always nothing.
Well, he was in luck as that was all she now had left to give.
She walked away, head low, afraid to turn around for she knew he wouldn't be looking back, just walking away.
China tea set memories on a grey summers day.

S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

Talk to em

I was at Chill Pill on tuesday ( a night hosted by Deanna Rodger and Raymond Antrobus) and managed to catch a brief 5mins with Kat Francois.
Somehow, our conversation went to babies... oh wait... lemme see if I can remember the path
Me looking tired -> Me working hard -> starting our own businesses -> Kat thinking about personal training -> some blank space I cannot remember and then BABIES.

She asked me how old I was (I think she was a little shocked) then she told me that I needed to start talking to my Ovaries.
She said that being 6yrs older than me, she does it all the time "It's alright my loves, I haven't forgotten about you" "I'm coming for you soon". Just to keep them warm for when she decides to have children.

Our conversation then moved onto a topic that we definitely tend to share similar views on...
The female poet and her singledom.

Ever noticed how male poets always have that faithful girlfriend/wife that follows and supports their journey, who will sacrifice, support and stroke the ego?

Ever noticed how the female poet has none of the above?

Hmmm... Maybe I better start whispering sweet nothings to my Ovaries... just in case.

Day 2 & 3 and a little bit of 4

Ok... So I am gonna do a 2 (kinda 3) day catch up in one...
We all know I'm a rambler but I will try and keep it short.

So...

AW10 Party shoot
The search for the location for the AW10 shoot isn't coming along so well... LOL... I am definitely out of my comfort zone but am soldiering on none the less. I sent over my first load of "ideas" and was given the gentle let down, It was a good start but too obvious... I will take it with a pinch of sugar and try and think outside of the box.
I have come up with a second lot of ideas (one of which is an old RED light house and the other is the Serpentine Pavilion... long shot maybe but hey... you never know if you don't ask) that I am going to send over today and see what becomes of it.
Any idea's or suggestion... please, please, please send em my way.
I'm looking for outdoorsy type spaces. My only brief was that a train/bus or tube might be good... or even a fire engine... vintage would be better and RED would be amazing.

Copy for the Facebook comp
This task is going a little bit better. After sending over my first suggestion which was a limerick I was advised that it was a little bit, shall we say, complicated. So, after sending over an addition 4, we are down to a single "rhymy thing" but, after a meeting with legal this morning I just have to tweak a little so that it falls in line with all things law-abiding.
The prizes in the competition include, at least 1 pair of shoes, at least 1 bag (leather I believe) some hosiery and possibly swimwear (all these things are, of course, subject to availability).
I will keep anyone who actually reads my blog posted on comp details so that you can enter.

I have also had a new task added to my list, the help come up with a name for the Red or Dead fragrance that is soon to come out... Apparently they have been looking for a the perfect name for a few months now (no pressure there ay?). It comes in a really pretty birdcage bottle that sits on a little (working) swing.

Anyways... I should stop typing before my update becomes an essay...
So... until tomorrow.

Natxx

Truth blind?

I think that maybe, in some place I am unable to fully see I am a horrible person.
I have spent days obsessing over it. At night I stare up at the black, cobwebbed recesses of my void and will the truth to project on a still back drop.
Maybe each time I open my mouth what I am trying to say is distorted or maybe my eyes appear dark and untrustworthy.
Maybe the muggy fingerprints of my soul leave a stain each time they try and touch you.
Maybe I am the opposite of everything that I think I am.

I mean...

Why else would everything that I seem to say automatically turn into poison?
Why else would I be tarred with 'negative' each time that I try and connect with you?

S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

Day 1

Last night was a bit of a hard one so I am blogging a day behind... Hopefully I will catch up tonight.

Yesterday was a different kinda day.

Started off by sitting on the team meeting with the RoD President and her 3 creatives.
After discussing the teams whereabouts for the next couple of weeks and catching up on all things Red or Dead I was given a task or 2.

Task 1 - Source a vintage fire engine, train or fire station (something red and vintage) for an AW10 photoshoot...

Task 2 - Write up a short poem/rhymy thing (gotta love creatives) for a facebook competition that is being run via the More Magazine page, to win a hamper full of goodies.

Still waiting for feedback on the rhymy thing and am making calls re the shoot... all cool stuff... all new stuff.

Oh...The most amazing pair of boots also came in yesterday... I think I want them... you can't see it from the image but the lining is a lovely bright purple...

Helena in Tan (also come in black)

They are available to buy from Schuh http://www.schuh.co.uk/red-or-dead/womens-tan-red-or-dead-helena/1473326220

So... Day 1 under the belt ... lets see what day 2 brings.

Some unexpected emotional shit...

My heart still tightens when memories are recalled.
Already questioned what you felt.thought.saw.
Sore.
My fault.
A mistake I will not repeat.
I had no words, no desire to eat, tired but have forgotten how to sleep.
Unsure why you showed me and then rejected me.
But
It isn’t about the humiliation.
It is simply this
“If not me then it will be she”
Soon enough, as I am used to seeing history repeat.
A burned deck of cards, charred beyond recognition.
I blacked in and out of you and now the chapter's closed and our black board is void of the colourful chalk that was once left on its easel for our free use.
Confused.
My world is filled with silence and I wander around knowing what is it to be a deaf mute.
A pain that will remain and continue to stain
Just about
Everything
No turning back now and no more misunderstandings as you made it clear to me.
Crystal.
Unable to look you in the eye.
Shame faced I wish to disappear into the faceless throng.
I am sorry for putting you in this position for this long.
Sorry for forcing you to dance to the same repetitive, dreaded song.
I get it...
If I hadn't before this point, I am now in complete understanding.

The sponge

So...

Today, I start my 2 (possibly 3) week stint at

I will be assisting the brand President in the hopes of gaining as much knowledge as possible.

I'm gonna take a break from the emotional shit and instead blog about my journey. It's only 12.45pm and I already have some interesting things to get my teeth into....

Wish me luck.
xxx

Haiku 3

Moving together
In seperate directions
But still holding hands


S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

All I need...

Is some Cherry coke and a back rub...

Do that for me and I'll Love you forever...


S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

...

Soul begins to detach.
I will do it by myself.
Trust gone.
Belief gone.
No more safe zone.
Warm embrace now feels cold, empty.
A void.
Numb.
Gone.

S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

Haiku 2

Her neck holds his face.
Is her scent familiar?
Does he remember?

Haiku 1

Eyes sting wearily
I struggle to open them
And I am alone

Fresh.INK... Thurs 22nd Jul 2010

The rejection of the misconception. Screw what you thought you knew.

It's almost here....

An evening of some of the most exceptional Poets/Performance Poets/Spoken Word artists our city has to offer.

GREEDS
Vanessa Walters
Dean Atta
Deanna Rodger
Inua Ellams
Obenewa
With Dubb'l yoo T as our host for the night.

Come join us and see what the art form means to each of them.
Be a part of the changing/growing face of London's Poetry scene.
Support the movement.

Year Of The Poet

All proceeds from the event will go to Body & Soul an amazing charity that supports children, young people and families living with and/or affected by HIV.

Date - Thurs 22nd July 2010Venue - Club West One, BBC Western House, 99 Great Portland Street, W1 1AA
Doors open - 6.30, Show Time - 7.30
Entry - £5 (with an optional donation from BBC staff)

Look forward to seeing you there

Whiteboard...

Feeling a little lost at the moment.
Out on a limb, swinging kinda limply just hoping.
World in tailspin as I go with the bumps and swings.
Trying.
My plate is full and more food is quickly coming... The crowning glory is that this is still starters.
Eventually I'll hit the mains and then will have to tackle afters.
I have list upon list.
Doing my best to sort out my head tangibly.
Kinda knocks the system when reaching out for help and I'm told "It's ok, you can figure it out, you'll cope"
Not saying that I won't.
I will do as I'm told but mixed signals create confusion as to your role.
I will do as I'm told just don't want the complaints when I maintain total control.
I will do as I'm told and once again become used to doing it on my own.

S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

Sigh

Yesterday I lost my book of poems.
I feel so disappointed and heartbroken.
My stomach hurts.
Too busy making sure I didn't forget man bags and short sleeved shirts.
*sad face and pouty lips*
Booooooooooooooooo

S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

Sour Candy floss and mouldy sugar snaps.

Will you tell me?
When you meet her will you tell me?
And if, by chance, you already have met her what is preventing you from sharing this life changing piece of information?
When conversation has gone just past the friendly and you start thinking emotionally, start feeling sexually will you tell me?
Or will I have to find out by some other means?
Will I have to hear it through mutuals or when I unsuspectingly try to talk to you.
Will candyfloss and sugar snaps turn sour and green with mould the next time I try and take hold of your now cold hand?
Cold heart.
Unwelcome in my old seat.
Distance now for when I try to speak you think outside of our box.
I admit that, even after all this time, I am still not used to the notion that this is our destiny and honestly dread when the time will come for you to tell me.
With all that said, sooner rather than later is better.
Don't make me wait.
Don't make a fool out of me.

S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

Anybody else...

Loooove Alpen but HATE raisins?

S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

Let us...

Breathe.
Let these arguments cease.
Lets just be.
Barriers, rules and blockades force me into a space where I seize up and shut down.
I am the opposite of what I want to be.
No longer feeling free.
I am
Uncertain of what you want to see.
Unsure of what sounds you want the words to make as they exit me.
I want to tell you
Everything.
Want to remove some of the weight that I carry but I am frozen in the notion that you may just not care enough.
Am afraid that you will make open up and share with you but will not return the favour.
If you are serious in what you say then I have to see evidence of you doing the same because actions and words make me believe that nothing has changed and that you would have me show you my bag of burdens without allowing me to see yours.


S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

Embankment to Finsbury Park

Spent my whole journey home shaping syllables around your name.
Readied myself to hit send the moment reception resumed it's sometimish activity.
Crashed back to harsh reality by your misjudgement.
No parachute close to hand for I had already given mine to you.

S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

Once upon a time.

Disappointed.
Left stinging and embarrassed.
A drop of reality.
Guess I needed reminding.


S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

It's actually happening....

S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

Fancy meeting you here...

Years of history steeped into our subconscious, we tucked away the memories of us and lived our lives.
Funny that it would take a chance meeting on a sunny day to remind us.
Can't say that everything came rushing back but interaction is easy. The bright yellow rays makes smiles frequent and laughter genuine.
Summer seems to be able to give everything a light, breezy and relaxed halo.
Nothing heavy, nothing much to say.
A nice way to dream away the day.
Fancy meeting you here.

S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

Ask...

I know that you wanted to ask.
Heard the question begin to form in your heart and whisper against the tip of your tongue, gently blowing at the very tips of your lips.
I heard you pause as I explained that "I just wanted us to have a conversation that didn't end in frustration, annoyance and hurt".
I know you wanted to ask as the missed call tag we played didn't become tiresome to you.
You continued to keep on trying to reach me.
I know you wanted to ask.
It didn't go unnoticed.
Was appreciative of the way that you respected what I had decided.
Thank you for being a sweetheart.
I know you wanted to ask.
Its fine. Ask what you wish.
I will answer.


S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

The mustard seed

Mark 4 vs 31 & 32

It is like a grain of mustard seed, which, when it is sown upon the earth, though it be less than all the seeds that are upon the earth, yet when it is sown, groweth up, and becometh greater than all the herbs, and putteth out great branches; so that the birds of the heaven can lodge under the shadow thereof.

So... This was my reading for today. Even though the parable is speaking of the kingdom of heaven and if we apply this same theory to our lives and ourselves I feel it can give a little perspective.

Never underestimate how amazing you can be.
Of all the seeds that produce herbs, the mustard seed is by far the smallest.
It, however, produces a tree unlike other herbs that started as bigger seeds but only produce plants.

If you stay the way that you started you will never become greater.

As humans we have a tendency to underestimate and not try to see more than the eye originally focuses on.
We are greater than our shells and our potential is way more far reaching.
We just have to acknowledge and be willing to go with it.
Just trust.
Have a little faith.
And be prepared for the growth.


S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

Write speak

I don't know what's going on but everyone wants to talk to me via email or text.
Me, I'm a talker.
What happened to meeting to share?
Let's sit down and discuss or phone and reason.
Unsure of their reasons for making this decision but I think it will soon tip me over the edge.
Talk to me.
Look at me.
Hear my pain or happiness as I listen to and feel yours.
I apologise for being so short with those that do but sometimes it gets too much.

I don't want to spend forever reading what's wrong when you can just...
Talk to me.

Not so much a poem but a vent, a plea.

Please.
S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

Dream.

Run away with me.
Let's just do it.
Go somewhere and start something that is just for us.
In a place that life is slower, skies are bluer, grass is greener and the stars shine at night.
Let's rid our souls of this oppressive cycle.
Lift our spirits and just be.
Live free.
Happy.
Run away with me.
Let me, wake next to you each morning rising in time to make you breakfast.
Pad around bare footed in one of your tees across old wooden floors and soft rugs.
Early morning kisses and night time hugs.
Walk with me by the river, for it was there that I was touched by unselfish Love.
Learning once again why we dared utter those 3 little words.
Hold me like you once loved to and kiss me out of random urge.
Because I have learnt that you are more at ease when we carve out a place that hasn't been touched by any other negativity.
Run away with me.

S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...

22nd July 2010...Fresh.INK... my very first event...

The rejection of the Misconception. Screw what you thought you knew!

Ok... Soooo... As the blog name suggests, on 22nd July 2010 I will be holding my own event.

The idea behind Fresh.INK is to provide a home/platform for poets to deliver raw/real/emotional poetry in a safe space and also to help rest of the world see just how amazing this artform is...

I have thhheeee coolest line up for the launch event, which will be held at the BBC Bar just off of Oxford Street.
GREEDS
Dean Atta
Deanna Rodger
Inua Ellams
Obenewa
With Dubb'l yoo T as our host for the night.

To make it even better, all proceeds from the event will go to Body & Soul an amazing charity that supports children, young people and families living with and/or affected by HIV.

Check out my coool artwork below (thank you to Rah over at soulBEAUTIFUL inc. for that), with the details of the event below that...

Date - Thurs 22nd July 2010
Venue - Club West One, BBC Western House, 99 Great Portland Street, W1 1AA
Doors open - 6.30, Show Time - 7.30
Entry - £5 (with an optional donation from BBC staff)

Look forward to seeing you there

Natxxx

Catch 22

I miss the time that you used to say "I Love you" or "143" even.

Thing is, I yearn to hear those words drip from your familiar lips landing on my skin and soaking through my lonely pores.

I know you won't say them because you fear I may not believe them.
But because you don't say them I struggle to believe that you feel them.
Catch 22
Typical circle created by me and you.

I struggle to remember the last time that you allowed your heart to release those syllables and let them dance freely on the tip of your tongue.

I wish for you to, once again, look me in the eye and allow your soul to hold onto mine. Whilst whispering sweet nothings to the very core of me.

I know you won't say them because you fear I may not believe them.
But because you don't say them I struggle to believe that you feel them.
Catch 22
Typical circle created by me and you.

So tired of feeling alone.


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Don't.

I don't want it.
Don't want it because you don't want it and though deep down I know that I really do want it I want what you want and so I shouldn't want it.

Funny that something that many people never find is the one thing that wish I can lose because it stopped representing anything positive the moment you didn't want it. Now it feels like an oppressive blanket. Dark, wet and heavy.

The sparkle in my eyes is clouded by the distance in yours.
Conscious of every little thing I do and say. Nothing is correct or welcome anymore.

Just wanting to make you smile in the same way that I used to...

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The saga continues...

Ain't this some buuulllll shit???

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Soooo not a good look...

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Coco confusion

Random thought -

Why is it that you can bang any part of your body and get a bruise but you bang your head and you get a coco?

Answers on a postcard?

Sunset

I don't want to be here.
Want to be in a place where the soft blue sky meets its sandy counterpart in a natural horizon.
A place of gentle solitude where I can escape this day to day.
Needing to be away from everything that brings me pain.
Funny, because even though I can count these things on less than one hand I am struggling to fix them.
I guess I'm hoping that some of them will rectify in their own time and own way.
Fearful of returning to traits that led to darkness.
You don't really know my story even though you think you know me.
In a place I never intended to be.
Stuck in a circle where I'm told things that in the long run, the teller really doesn't mean.
A reflection of me maybe.
Confusion in a take out box.
Want to be in a place where the soft blue sky meets its sandy counterpart in a natural horizon.
A place of gentle solitude where I can escape this day to day.
Lord, please give me peace.
I just want to breathe easy.
Balance is all I need.
Please.

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SHIT

Today...
I learned just how wound up I am.
Just label me 'MoodswingsRUs' and give me a chocolate bar and a hug.
Stress and me are simply not meant to be.
Have contracted tourettes suddenly
Struggling to resist the urge shout words that I do not normally use
The eff word.
The bee word.
Even the cee word.
Trying not to scream or become terribly unreasonable.
ARGGGGHHHHHH
No body understands and it feels like no one cares enough to be patient enough to help heal me.
I just want someone to let me offload.
Let me shout, cry and laugh.
Let me be negative and defeatist.
To still hold me while I struggle to push them away.
Rub my back while I contradict my contradictions.
Because if they knew me at all they would understand that it is a process that I go through.
Negativity rarely defeats me but for as long as it stays stuck inside of me, it will fester and grow.
Spreading like gangrene.
Just getting worse.
I need to let it out...
SHIT.

Less...

A knee jerk moment of madness and now I feel I have to keep myself in check.
Feeling things that border on the irrational.
I guess this is what insecurity feels like.
I think it’s because I can’t read your next move anymore.
Trust, understanding have all gone out the window.
I used to be sure that there were certain things you wouldn’t do just because…
“nah… he isn’t driven in the same way others may be… he feels a certain responsibility to me”
Trust
Trust
The space of easy accessibility that you have created for others.
The way you refuse to place distance between yourself and those that desire you.
The simple but glass sharp knowledge that you owe me nothing.
Rejection.
Trust
That one word now feels like a fast fading echo.
I can’t be sure of things I once was.
Swimming around in this sea of uncertainty.
Unable to open up and give.
For the most part, offers of help and support are now covered in white noise.
My fault? Yours? Both?
Alone.
Homeless….

Today

Today I am thankful...
I tend to not think too much about birthdays.
Not because I am concerned about growing another year older but because it really isn't that big a deal.
Last night into today I have been shown appreciation and care on a scale that I am simply not used to.

So...

Thank you to all of those that have taken the time out to show me that I have made a difference in their lives.

I am humbled and blown away.

Happy Birthday to me.

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Dtjf

For the next few days I want to...
Just Be.
I already know what will come afterwards but for these remaining and soon to be misused hrs I just want the luxury of walking around blindly... all be it temporarily.
Want to remember how to be happy.
Any tears should be the result of ecstasy and shouts are to come from simply being free.
I will smile at past pain and live without future sadness.
So let me enjoy the little things and spend time in a place far from this routine madness.
Don't want to talk about the yesterday or the tomorrow.
Just the now.
Just be.
I know its crazy.
Impossible possibly.
Don't wanna think just wanna feel.
Don't wanna think.
Just let me feel.
And for any moment that you are in contact with me.
Try and do the same.
Please.

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Summers Eve

We spent hours in conversation.
Catching up.
Letting our patchworked guards down.
Created a space of our own.
This grass covered no go zone and people left us alone.
Just you and me.
First side by side and then back to back.
Recounting days past making sure we had shared till the last stone of information was cast.
Missed moments and withheld memories all explained with as much detail as our well read mouths could utter.
So much laughter.
You served me and up until this very moment I am unable to figure out why.
So many tiny little things that I noticed and replay over and over in my minds eye because these things make the silence easier to live with, when it arrives.
Just you and me.
Private jokes shared.
Mini rants where no poor unsuspecting soul was spared.
Became partners in crime as we planned the liberation of the bottle we had bought with us specially.
We did it all on that summers eve.
And when it was time to leave?
My sadness was gently dabbed away by your offer to further share your space as we headed back to your place and listened to music whilst we played.
Black jack was your choice of game.
Just you and me.
Candles alongside a pre-planned play list created the flickering back drop and I believe I showed you who was boss as card after card resulted in you emptying your glass quicker and me being semi-victorious.
You watched me silently.
Your eyes washed over with this unexplainable curiosity.
Wasn't sure what you were exactly trying to see but for the first time in as long as I can remember I didn't falter self consciously.
Just stared back.
Just you and me.
As time wore on and the candles lost their glow.
We connected.
TWICE that night you silently spoke to me.
Told me stories of a time when love was burned onto your tongue so that each syllable you uttered slowly dripped from your lips covered in maple syrup and honeycomb.
Sweet and easy to swallow.
Your skin wrote all over me.
Tattooed my body with tales of a next lifetime.
As tears pricked at my dilated eyes I turned away to hide.
Though you felt it, I believe.
Tears signifying the freedom those last few moments had brought me.
Just you and me.
Falling into a satisfied slumber I tried not to ponder on who's space I was currently occupying.
I mean, I knew this side of the bed didn't belong to me.
But I chose to write my name on it for the time being.
As deeply as my heart would allow me.
I relaxed with ease listening to your heart beat.
Woke feeling rested and cloaked over with peace.
Beauty.
No matter how temporary.
Just you
And
Me.

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The home of my Soul

It's got glitter and everything...

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Me...

I am unpredictably consistent.
Making me easy to read but difficult to understand.
I flip flop on this emotional roller coaster, taking anyone that holds on along for the ride.
You have taught me to bite my tongue even though it isn't a norm in my book.
I have said things that have hurt you.
The expression of my pain has forced you to pull away.
In my head I hoped it would create this feeling that would lead to you wanting to stay.
But I look at the decisions you have made and am silent.
Regretful.
I am learning.
I guess just not quick enough.
Funny that the world looks at me and assumes that I have it all together.
You run away unsure of what you have to offer.
When
In reality.
I am just a woman that isn't afraid to listen to her heart, soul, conscience and the Holy Spirit.
Waiting to be lead.
I am not certain of most things but am always willing to roll up my sleeves and give it a try.
If I don't know.
I learn.
I work damn hard to increase my knowledge base, to understand the internal and the external, to be at the top of my game because the alternative option just doesn't make sense to me.
You know this better than anyone as you have removed my google privilages on more than a few occasions.
I have an insatiable thirst to learn, to grow, to be better.
My mind, from time to time, is flooded with insecurities about this body of mine, this heart of mine, this mind of mine.
Uncomfortable with lustful stares but wanting to be desired... by your eyes.
I will move heaven and earth for those that I Love.
Regardless of the cost.
I have an ever moving comfort zone as I constantly force myself to attempt the unthinkable before I have thought too much.
Often starting sentences that I am too scared to finish because that means I have no other choice but to release.
Now I wonder... if anyone will ever be able to fully love ALL these elements of me instead of picking which ones they want to utilise and which they wish to leave.
Instead of mis-judging and avoiding me.
Running away and breaking me.
Taking pieces of me and refusing to return them peacefully.
Knowing full well that I will never ask for them back.

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Heart melts and softens.
Familiar warmth spreads through my soul.
Smile alters my face.
Tears come easy.
I swear... Only a hand full of people are able to do this to me...
Break me down.
You... YOU!!!!
You didn't have to, Didn't expect you to but ...
Thank you xxx


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Free flowing nausea

I feel sick every day now.
You know that feeling when reality sinks in and you realise that you can do nothing about it.
Eating is unappealing.
Sleep is fleeting.
My stomach is twisting in shapes I did not know it was capable.
A contortionist's wet dream.
Filled with disbelief that this is now the way things will be.
I don't want it.
i DON'T want it
i don't WANT it.
i don't want IT.
I DON'T WANT IT!
Why be unhappy when happy-ness is right in front of you.
Y be unhappy when happy-ness is what I will give you.
Why B unhappy when happy-ness is right in front of you.
Y B, unhappy when happy-ness is what I will give you?