A knee jerk moment of madness and now I feel I have to keep myself in check.
Feeling things that border on the irrational.
I guess this is what insecurity feels like.
I think it’s because I can’t read your next move anymore.
Trust, understanding have all gone out the window.
I used to be sure that there were certain things you wouldn’t do just because…
“nah… he isn’t driven in the same way others may be… he feels a certain responsibility to me”
Trust
Trust
The space of easy accessibility that you have created for others.
The way you refuse to place distance between yourself and those that desire you.
The simple but glass sharp knowledge that you owe me nothing.
Rejection.
Trust
That one word now feels like a fast fading echo.
I can’t be sure of things I once was.
Swimming around in this sea of uncertainty.
Unable to open up and give.
For the most part, offers of help and support are now covered in white noise.
My fault? Yours? Both?
Alone.
Homeless….
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Today
Today I am thankful...
I tend to not think too much about birthdays.
Not because I am concerned about growing another year older but because it really isn't that big a deal.
Last night into today I have been shown appreciation and care on a scale that I am simply not used to.
So...
Thank you to all of those that have taken the time out to show me that I have made a difference in their lives.
I am humbled and blown away.
Happy Birthday to me.
S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...
I tend to not think too much about birthdays.
Not because I am concerned about growing another year older but because it really isn't that big a deal.
Last night into today I have been shown appreciation and care on a scale that I am simply not used to.
So...
Thank you to all of those that have taken the time out to show me that I have made a difference in their lives.
I am humbled and blown away.
Happy Birthday to me.
S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...
Monday, June 7, 2010
Dtjf
For the next few days I want to...
Just Be.
I already know what will come afterwards but for these remaining and soon to be misused hrs I just want the luxury of walking around blindly... all be it temporarily.
Want to remember how to be happy.
Any tears should be the result of ecstasy and shouts are to come from simply being free.
I will smile at past pain and live without future sadness.
So let me enjoy the little things and spend time in a place far from this routine madness.
Don't want to talk about the yesterday or the tomorrow.
Just the now.
Just be.
I know its crazy.
Impossible possibly.
Don't wanna think just wanna feel.
Don't wanna think.
Just let me feel.
And for any moment that you are in contact with me.
Try and do the same.
Please.
S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...
Just Be.
I already know what will come afterwards but for these remaining and soon to be misused hrs I just want the luxury of walking around blindly... all be it temporarily.
Want to remember how to be happy.
Any tears should be the result of ecstasy and shouts are to come from simply being free.
I will smile at past pain and live without future sadness.
So let me enjoy the little things and spend time in a place far from this routine madness.
Don't want to talk about the yesterday or the tomorrow.
Just the now.
Just be.
I know its crazy.
Impossible possibly.
Don't wanna think just wanna feel.
Don't wanna think.
Just let me feel.
And for any moment that you are in contact with me.
Try and do the same.
Please.
S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Summers Eve
We spent hours in conversation.
Catching up.
Letting our patchworked guards down.
Created a space of our own.
This grass covered no go zone and people left us alone.
Just you and me.
First side by side and then back to back.
Recounting days past making sure we had shared till the last stone of information was cast.
Missed moments and withheld memories all explained with as much detail as our well read mouths could utter.
So much laughter.
You served me and up until this very moment I am unable to figure out why.
So many tiny little things that I noticed and replay over and over in my minds eye because these things make the silence easier to live with, when it arrives.
Just you and me.
Private jokes shared.
Mini rants where no poor unsuspecting soul was spared.
Became partners in crime as we planned the liberation of the bottle we had bought with us specially.
We did it all on that summers eve.
And when it was time to leave?
My sadness was gently dabbed away by your offer to further share your space as we headed back to your place and listened to music whilst we played.
Black jack was your choice of game.
Just you and me.
Candles alongside a pre-planned play list created the flickering back drop and I believe I showed you who was boss as card after card resulted in you emptying your glass quicker and me being semi-victorious.
You watched me silently.
Your eyes washed over with this unexplainable curiosity.
Wasn't sure what you were exactly trying to see but for the first time in as long as I can remember I didn't falter self consciously.
Just stared back.
Just you and me.
As time wore on and the candles lost their glow.
We connected.
TWICE that night you silently spoke to me.
Told me stories of a time when love was burned onto your tongue so that each syllable you uttered slowly dripped from your lips covered in maple syrup and honeycomb.
Sweet and easy to swallow.
Your skin wrote all over me.
Tattooed my body with tales of a next lifetime.
As tears pricked at my dilated eyes I turned away to hide.
Though you felt it, I believe.
Tears signifying the freedom those last few moments had brought me.
Just you and me.
Falling into a satisfied slumber I tried not to ponder on who's space I was currently occupying.
I mean, I knew this side of the bed didn't belong to me.
But I chose to write my name on it for the time being.
As deeply as my heart would allow me.
I relaxed with ease listening to your heart beat.
Woke feeling rested and cloaked over with peace.
Beauty.
No matter how temporary.
Just you
And
Me.
Catching up.
Letting our patchworked guards down.
Created a space of our own.
This grass covered no go zone and people left us alone.
Just you and me.
First side by side and then back to back.
Recounting days past making sure we had shared till the last stone of information was cast.
Missed moments and withheld memories all explained with as much detail as our well read mouths could utter.
So much laughter.
You served me and up until this very moment I am unable to figure out why.
So many tiny little things that I noticed and replay over and over in my minds eye because these things make the silence easier to live with, when it arrives.
Just you and me.
Private jokes shared.
Mini rants where no poor unsuspecting soul was spared.
Became partners in crime as we planned the liberation of the bottle we had bought with us specially.
We did it all on that summers eve.
And when it was time to leave?
My sadness was gently dabbed away by your offer to further share your space as we headed back to your place and listened to music whilst we played.
Black jack was your choice of game.
Just you and me.
Candles alongside a pre-planned play list created the flickering back drop and I believe I showed you who was boss as card after card resulted in you emptying your glass quicker and me being semi-victorious.
You watched me silently.
Your eyes washed over with this unexplainable curiosity.
Wasn't sure what you were exactly trying to see but for the first time in as long as I can remember I didn't falter self consciously.
Just stared back.
Just you and me.
As time wore on and the candles lost their glow.
We connected.
TWICE that night you silently spoke to me.
Told me stories of a time when love was burned onto your tongue so that each syllable you uttered slowly dripped from your lips covered in maple syrup and honeycomb.
Sweet and easy to swallow.
Your skin wrote all over me.
Tattooed my body with tales of a next lifetime.
As tears pricked at my dilated eyes I turned away to hide.
Though you felt it, I believe.
Tears signifying the freedom those last few moments had brought me.
Just you and me.
Falling into a satisfied slumber I tried not to ponder on who's space I was currently occupying.
I mean, I knew this side of the bed didn't belong to me.
But I chose to write my name on it for the time being.
As deeply as my heart would allow me.
I relaxed with ease listening to your heart beat.
Woke feeling rested and cloaked over with peace.
Beauty.
No matter how temporary.
Just you
And
Me.
S.O.A.P® Blogging on the go...
Friday, June 4, 2010
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