Pt 1

What if?
I mean.
Every action has a consequence and perhaps this is that for me?
Had many chances to allow my body to do what He built it for but I put bad decisions and circumstance in the driving seat and encouraged them to lead the way.
Looked opportunity and blessing dead in the eye and drove right on by.
Never held on to a bigger regret.
Now said same body isn't quite the same.
Imbalance and karma adjusting purpose and purpose shrugging its shoulders in impassive dismissal.
I knew they were bad decisions.
Knew it wasn't what I wanted but my own fear of disappointing those I cared for the most took my hand and carefully, silently black markered my destiny in my own font.
Even though we made those decisions together, I am sincerely happy that only one of us may never have a chance to rewrite the story.
To have 2 lives effected by the whims of youth would be heartbreaking.
I want to tell you, because I am certain that only you will really understand but I am not convinced that it is the right thing to do.
I just hope you take that step and live a full and happy life appreciating every second chance that you have been given.

SOAP Blogging on the go...

Questions

"What does it taste like?" He asked.

"Like heaven"
I replied
"Like the birth of civilisations and tribes.
Scattered nations following talking drum rhythms, reconnecting their stories."
I continued.
"Like the bitter sweet syrup of life and truth.
Sugar frosted dandelions. The desire for the crystals to tickle your tongue out weighing the somewhere in the back of your mind fear that picking them will inflict nocturnal incontinence."

"It will cast long forgotten spells, shadowing your subconscious with forgetfulness. Creating space for memories of a place called home."

I met his eye. He smiled and I left him where he stood.
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The Thames

Wrap me cocoon like in warm fuzzy memories.
The kind that glaze and glisten over distant eyes.
Remind me of the heat that can be created when connected souls touch fingertips.
Write me letters that tell tales of what once was and may very well be again.
Whisper soft possibilities.
Tickle my spine with forgotten narratives and hum the melody of familiarity.
Committed and devoted to a million and one things.
Just not to Love.
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Oxjam October

It has been such a long time since I last blogged. Something that I am pretty certain I wrote a blog or so ago… *shame*


I do have good reasons for it though…

I was recently selected to hold what is known as the “Oxjam Shoreditch Takeover Festival”.
A multi-venue, one day event in aid of raising funds for Oxfam.
I am excited and also very nervous. I want this to be good and do well so badly that it makes me feel a little sick at times.

After the initial training session we were sent out to go and find teams to help us bring this amazing opportunity into fruition.
This took me a little longer than expected for a couple of reasons.

1- It is kinda hard to get people to dedicate a lot of their time, for free.
This whole event is a huge ask. Oxjam know it and I definitely knew it. The have asked me to dedicate a minimum of 10hrs per week from now until sept, which will raise considerably higher in oct. The month of the actual event.

2- I had a bit of a head vs heart vs head situation regarding whether or not it would be a good idea to include friends in that team.
I was a little scared. For a while I was worried that by taking on friends as part of my team I was possibly copping out. I was also uncertain whether friends would take it as seriously as strangers.

When I look back on that dilemma now I realise how silly I was. My friends love me and wouldn’t let me down.

We are now well into the thick of it and I am appreciative of my team more and more each day.
They
Are
Awesome!

We will be holding various fundraisers between now and the main event. We will also be looking for bands to come and play our festival soon… you’ll need to follow in order to find out the details…

Join our Facebook and twitter pages to find out where we’ll be and come and say hello.

Facebook - https://www.facebook.com/#!/OxjamShoreditchTakeover2012 and https://www.facebook.com/#!/oxjam.shoreditch
Twitter - http://twitter.com/#!/oxjamshoreditch

Even though...

... I laugh when you say something silly.
It never means that I think you're not smart or a bimbo.
Just reminds me why I've always though you are so cute.

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Keeping tally.

My scoreboard is a whiteboard, decorated using only the prettiest of drywipe pens.
Markings never remain long.
Erased with ease.
Yours is a piece of tracing paper.
Each time you use your thick, black, permanent marker you create a change that will never erase and almost always bleeds through to whatever it was resting upon.
So that it will forever be visible.

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I Am

Changes

You used to want to be with me
Used to desire a family…
I wonder if the novelty wore off because of me or simply because it is in your nature.
Backwards stepping.
Can’t put my finger on the thing but I guess it was there, triggered the change.
Reality check.
I am craving attention…
Missing a certain kind of interaction.
The kind that felt natural and mutual and settled.
It’s been a while since I have had that.
Something in the pit of my stomach claws at the walls attempting to push itself to the rim.
And I stand trying to keep balance so as not to fall too far in.
This feeling of discontent.
Disconnect.
Sad eyes that see everything but tell silent stories.

Eye Spy

I see the father in you.
While it’s a shame that I can’t say that I see your father, I see one none the less.
It is quite obvious that his lack of presence hasn’t harmed what you will eventually be.
Don’t second guess it.
When the time comes you will be just fine.
Don’t second guess it.
I see the things you do in secrecy.
Experimenting quietly, away from prying eyes.
Allowing the curiosity loaded questions to become theory and then a practicality.
I remember the first time I saw you around a little one.
Embarrassed at funny faces and goo goo gaa gaa sounds.
Uncertain of whether you would know what to do.
How to hold them, whether you would be able to calm and soothe them.
Funny, as it seems that they soothed you.
Ironed out the creases of fear.
Would they be afraid of you, cry if you held them.
Could they love and accept you?
Awkwardness still present but not as fierce as it used to be.
So, don’t second guess it.
I see the father in you and when the time comes you will be just fine.

Shy

If you could take pictures of my mind I would bare all in a heartbeat.

Ladybird Rock

I haven't written in a while.
I didn't want a certain type, style or genre to box me so I rested.
Allowed life to swirl around me and waited for inspiration to hit hard enough to keep me motivated.
That inspiration came to me in the ladies toilets at work.
As I locked the stall door behind/in front of me I noticed a lone ladybird walking around on the window ledge.
I blew at it hoping it would take flight but it appeared to simply brace itself again the gust of wind. Standing still long enough for the breeze to past before continuing its wander.
As I took a closer look I noticed it wings had become caught in its shell.
It made me wonder.
How many times have I rendered myself incapable of flying because I stupidly caught my wings in the hard casing that is meant to protect them?
Instead of patiently formulating a sensible plan to release them I stand, like a martyr and brace myself against negative winds because of my own idiocy.
A task in futility that I have somehow made myself the victim of.
Soon enough that ladybird will die.
Either of starvation or at the hand of another.
And I decided… I didn’t want that to be my fate.
How ‘bout you?

*Apologies, I had wanted to include an image of a ladybird with trapped wings but they creep me out too much.